I wonder what's wrong with Mike.
Stacy thought as she walked sadly to her next station. She was now on guard, witch she guards tents, and fights German's. She was sad, depressed, and felt hopeless and helpless.
Stacy and Mike were now on the same station. Mike looked at Stacy, but Stacy wanted Mike to feel, how Stacy feels, and how she is feelings.
"Hi" Mike said.
"Oh hello." Stay replied, acting like she wasn't sad about the whole Mike thing, even though she was.
"Sorry, I have been ignoring you, and not paying attention I just... Well I... I can't say it. It's-"
"Listen Mike, I am not mad at you, but I don't like this. I don't want to know your secret, I mean I do, but just forget it, this thing we have is over... What thing you ask? I love you. You have always been my number one crush, but then, now I realize you don't even like me, so I don't see a point in even being friends. Goodbye Mike."
Stacy left in a flash, not knowing anything about Mike, she wondered Mike's secret, but... She acted like she didn't want to know.
"Wait' Mike called, as Stacy left. "Stacy... Please."
It's no use. Mike thought. I love her, but now she hates me.. It's all because I have been a horrible person, I am a bad person. I might as well kill myself, I mean she wouldn't care. Would she? Ugh. I just don't know anything anymore. Stacy hates me, I a horrible person... Ugh I just can't do it anymore. I need to tell chief what I need to do. Wait I can't he will yell at me, and possilbly kill me, or even worse Stacy, I can't let that happen I mean no matter what I will always love Stacy. We have always been best friends. I just have to do, what I have to do. And that do, is going to be done... And it's going to be done right now too.
Mike ran out of his thoughts, with Stacy standing right in front of him.
"Mike... Mike... Are you okay."
"Uh... Yeah I am fine. Don't worry."
"Good. Mike I need to-"
"I am really sorry, but I can't talk now."
"But Mike-"
"Goodbye Stacy. I love you."
"I love you too."
Goodbye Stacy... Goodbye forever. I love you and I will miss you. Goodbye... Forever.
End of chapter
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139,302 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
Happy review day!! Reader here to represent team green!!!
Even tho this chapter is short, it tells me a lot. I haven't even read your whole story but this portion got to me and told an entire story in a couple lines of emotion. You brought the characters to life through their thoughts and dialogue.
It's so sad and sweet. Aw.
I noticed your foreshadowing with Mike and overall it was just great.
I can't think of a ton of criticism. That's a good thing. But I wish you luck with the rest of your story.
This (tiny) review was brought to you in part by::
TEAM GREEN, and all my lovely teammates supporting us.
Thanks so much. FYI. (For your info) Cute avatar.
Hi! Cricket here to review!
Well since this is a fairly short chapter, this might be a fairly short review, or just medium. I think.
I remember reviewing some of this earlier but I can't quite remember the storyline, so please bear with me if I mess up on it.
To be honest, I'm a bit confused. I know this might possibly be because I haven't read the other chapters, but I keep getting the feeling that it's not because of that. But we'll see later I guess.
OK, my reason for being confused is because it seems like your characters motions are conflicting. Like in one part, you have it, where you say that Stacy turned around and left. Then Mike starts having thoughts and so forth, and then you say that he runs out of thoughts, while Stacy is right in front of him! That doesn't make much sense to me really. If you want it to where she turns around or something, to maybe put in more action, then do so. But you said that she left in a flash. That doesn't exactly make much sense. So try and make sure that each action is non-conflicting with the other.
One other main thing that I would like to talk to you about, are your ellipsis. (...) Why so many? Ellipsis represent pauses in the conversations, not sudden breaks or what have you. And even if all those ellipsis did represent pauses, would there really be so many in an actual conversation? I'd suggest when you run through to edit, you cut out most of them. They break up the flow in your dialogue and don't add that much to it. Use n-dashes occasionally as well. It's really the words that add the emotion to your dialogue, and not the punctuation, so try and work on that.
Since Raven got a bunch of the nitpicks, I'll try and do my best to get the rest.
Well that doesn't seem quite right. She loves him, and she wants to hurt him? I guess people really do feel like that sometimes, but the way it's said here doesn't seem very nice. It didn't make me feel sorry for either of them. I'd suggest trying to show us through some thoughts and facial expressions that she was angry or something at him, and then go on from there. I'd also make sure you have a fairly clear layout of why she wants him to feel what she is going through. While I'm saying this, I know I haven't read most of the other chapters, but I still think that the reader should have a clear outlook on this when they go to a random chapter in a book.
Hmm, what do we have here? Well it seems that he thinks he's one horrible person, and he doesn't deserve her. That was my impression at first read through. Then I read through and it almost seemed like he was signing away his life, like a suicidal note, because he thinks that she hates him. I wasn't entirely sure about this really.
I mean, it has a fair bit of redundancy in this as well, that can be cut out. That might have been why it seemed rather confusing. You mention that he is a horrible person and she must hate him for it, twice over, and that didn't help when it came to not being confusing. Try and read your chapters aloud to yourself, to avoid cases of redundancy. Usually helps. Fabulous work on characters, by the way. Well done.
Comma after Mike.
I'd insert that word that I put in red in there, really. Might add more to the suspense really, and it doesn't need to be caps on forever.
OK, from what I see here there's a romance going. And it has the potential to be something really big and heartbreaking. When they were saying goodbye, I almost felt like screaming and telling them to stop being stupid and to just stay together! I mean, darn it! They sound like a totally cute couple right now... xD
In the beginning I think you could have a bit more realistic way of them saying hello to each other, but that isn't a big deal at the moment. I mean, sure people say hi to each other like that, but the way they were talking and stuff, sounded a bit stiff. Hello and hi, just don't work too well at times. Try to go for a more loose way of greetings. Something as silly as them asking a question, or they slide right into what they are trying to work out right now.
If anything sounds out of the way when it comes to storyline, then please feel free to correct me on it. I always love talking about that kind of stuff, and being enlightened on things that I don't understand. Thanks for posting this awesome chapter! It was enjoyable to read, truly.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Or it might be a kind of long review! XDD! Well thanks.
haha, maybe... this is just average I thought. xD
Yeah!
Hey, dogrule! I am here to review this awesome chapter!
What I first noticed when reading your chapter is that this is in the 3rd person. Now, reading through the other chapters, I see that 1st person had been used. Why so suddenly change in the middle of a novel? If it was to see Mike thoughts... well, I have some advice for you. One way to see Mike thought's is to do his part in 1st person as well. Starting off the chapter with:
Point of View: Stacy
[insert going through with her thoughts and musings.]
Perhaps ending it here:
Then:
Point of View: Mike
[continue on with the chapter until it ends]
That way the flow of 1st person won't be interrupted.
The thought doesn't have to be on a separate line, actually. It can be on the same line, and (in my personal opinion) it looks smother all in one paragraph. I have also seen that sometimes that the "speech" parts in this story are in a different paragraph.
There needs to be a punctuation mark before that closing quotation mark. Also, I am not sure if I have mentioned this, but I'm a little against the word, "said." It makes the writing choppy, somehow. Perhaps use an action tag. Or something that Mike did after he had stated that.
Now that I am in chapter eight, I can start commenting on the novel as a whole. This is more of a romance than anything else. With Stacy and Mike and their odd ways. <3 I wish they would just go out already! The war seems like a minor part of the book. I mean, even though there is fighting, it seems like most of this is Stacy's thoughts about Mike. I'm not complaining,
I'm just worried for Mike right now, I hope he doesn't resign from the army, or worse kill himself. That would break poor Stacy's heart even further...
I hope you don't end up breaking my heart with your book!
Rae,
Alright thanks, I will try to do better next time, but when I wrote this I guess I just forgot that the whole story was in first person, because I think I had a lot on my mind, and sometimes just writing a good story, or writing a chapter in this case, helps me relax, but right when I reliized it is when you told me, but I am not going to rewrite the whole chapter, so... Oh well, I will do that in Chapter nine. Talk to you later.
By the way. Awesome Avatar!!!!