We are all still stuck out here and its been over a week.
"Oh my gosh!" Sarah yelled. "Mia come here quick!"
"What is it?" I said.
"Its... Its... Its Katie."
"What happened?" I asked really worried.
"I don't know, but we have to help her."
"We can't." I said.
"Why not?" Katie said.
"Because Katie is dead.
"NO!" Sarah screamed.
"This is no ones fault." "At least not one of us. Humans."
"Someone had to do this." Sarah said.
"It couldn't be some creature here. There are no creatures that could harm someone."
"Who could it be them?" Sarah asked.
"One person." I said. "The which. We need to find her and this time defeat her. This is going to get real. Look out which were coming."
***
We found the witch's old castle and went inside. We were shaking with fear. We couldn't stop shaking either. We found the witch's office and went inside. No one was in the castle. Her wand was on a hook in the office. Sarah grabbed it so we could fight the witch. Right when we opened the door to go find the witch she was standing right there in front of us. Staring at us in a strange way. She didn't say anything, but as far as I knew she wanted her wand and she wanted it now! We wouldn't hand the wand over, so things started to get real. I knew that second we had to get an army, and we needed it now. I whistled and called the Pegasus and unicorns and we got Sari and the other lions. We found every creature in the fantasy land to fight the witch with Sarah and I. Sarah and I were frightened. We started the fight. It lasted three days and two nights. We decided to end the war in a battle circle. Sarah and I, against the which. The creatures were power ups in case we get hurt. The creatures, all of them, were on our side.
***
Sarah and I won the fight and set off for a new camp in fantasy land! We still couldn't get out of fantasy land we decided to live here. We found a nice new camp by the beach. We found a river got fresh water and some food from Sari when she hunted an antelope. We ate and drank. We got to sleep.
***
We knew we would sleep really good because we were really tired from the war. Our tummies were full and we were sound asleep before you would know it. We slept for about a day since we were so tired. Sari got food for us and we ate that when we woke. We drank the rest of our water and went to get some more.
***
We were still very sad about our best friends death. Katie. All we could think about that day was Katie, and how much more fun it would be with her here. Grace ruined our friendship with herself. So Grace isn't Sarah or i's friend anymore and we both knew it. We were so sad that we cried ourselves to sleep for about three nights. We could barley even get to sleep. We were really sad. So sad that we felt like we were going to die.
End of chapter
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139,270 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
hey, dogsrule5. sorry about the late review, but at least im here right?
a few nitpicks that others left out:
That is just one run-on sentence. does it matter? a bunch. it makes the work sound to rushed, or that u just don't feel like correcting it. there needs to be either a period between 'land' and 'we', or add in 'so' between the same words and a comma.
you repeated 'shaking'. why don't you try, 'We were quivering from the anxiety that we all had, and we couldn't stop.'
you need a comma between 'asked' and 'really'.
quotation mark is needed after 'dead'.
'All of the creatures were on our side.'
ok, that's all I spotted out that wasn't already said. overall I liked the story, but like willow, im confused. how did Katie die? where did she die? how did they find her body? and really, the girl who asked what happened knew she was dead? I don't think so. fix all of these things and this story would be decent.
keep on writing!
~puppys3117~
Thanks.
Hello dogsrule5! I'm here to review. I'll skip spelling and grammar, because you can fix that yourself, but I do have some nitpicks.
What does the castle look like, besides old? How tall is it? Is it in good or bad condition? Readers want to know these things! Also, how do the main characters feel as they walk into the castle? Are they scared? Are they angry?
If it lasted three days and two nights, why did it feel like it flew by so quickly? Describe the scenes that happened during the battle. I honestly believe that you could have created a whole chapter out of the battle alone.
The word "sad" occurs here three times. Try to use synonyms. If you can't think of any, use a thesaurus. Also, instead of telling us how sad you are, you should try to show us. I could tell that you tried really hard to describe how sad you were, and I appreciate that, but reading it seemed almost robotic. Meld sentences together to make it flow better. For example, instead of saying, "We were really sad. So sad that we felt like we were going to die," try saying, "We felt so sad that we thought the emotion alone would be the death of us." Do you see how much better that sounds? You can tweak that sentence all you like to make it sound the way you would like it as opposed to me. You are the author after all.
I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh. Critiquing an author's book is like criticizing a mother's baby. There is no easy way to do it. Also, I can tell that you have improved much in these four, short chapters. Keep it up and you'll be leaps and bounds better by the time you finish this book. Good luck!
Hi there. Me again.
Nitpicks
Hard to process. I would suggest changing it to: We were all still stuck here ...
Also, its should be it's.
Sarah said, not Katie.
Watch out for homophones! Which should be witch. And were should be we're.
Then, not them.
There are many more nitpicks and small errors you've made. I don't want to point them all out, and there are two reasons.
1) That will take absolutely forever.
2) You should be able to spot most of the errors yourself. Just edit over your work.
Onto the actual story.
I keep forgetting to mention this, so I'll say it now. You plot is wonderful (although it kind of reminds me of Narnia)! Anyways, I think it's a nice plot. Only, you should really expand on it more, talk about Fantasy Land.
Something that bothered me in this chapter was that Katie just... died. Wasn't she with them? Explain things like this more. Please . If to do this, it can make your story just so much better.
It is also so quick. And brief. It just slips past. Yeah, that's supposed to happen, but not super quick. Explain more of the witch. What does she look like? What do your main characters look like? We want detail!
I hope this helps!
WillowPaw1~
Thanks but I was thinking about that one day. I started thinking of what chapter five would be like. This is when I am going to start bringing out the detail, and maybe some of the secrets the witch has and the girls have. I was alos going to include how Katie died. So ya. Talk to you later
All right!
I am starting to get really good ideas for chapter 5 so ya.
I think you will love chapter 5!!!!
I'm excited!
Good! I just need to get more points to publish it. I haven't even started it yet!!!
Lol
I published it! Yay! I know you already reviewed it becuae I read it. Thank you for that review by the way. It was aweosem. Like uou. Talk to you later