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Young Writers Society


12+

The Battle Chapter 10

by dogsrule5


The soldiers were in a line waiting for the "pep talk" from the chief. 

"Now soldiers. Listen up" Chief said sounding angry. "The war is almost over, but I do expect you to still be on my team. Understand?" 

All of the soldiers nodded in agreement.

"The war ends tomorrow. You better be ready for the fight of your life today, because this is the end. We are winning and we only need to kill 20 more men to win. And if we don't win, the country will most likely die. Understand?"

The soldiers nodded in agreement again. 

The day after the war...

Mike knelt down on one knee and pulled out a ring. He said...

"Stacy?" He said sounding nervous. "Will you marry me?"

"Oh Mike." Stacy said shocked. "Of course I will. Yes, yes I will marry you."

The wedding came along after a few years had passed. Stacy was now 27 years old and was pregnant with a little girl. 

She was due in June, the exact date was June 25. 

So June came around and Stacy answered the phone to the chief. 

"Hello?" Stacy said.

"Stacy? You must come back to war on June 25."

"Chief I would love to, but-"

He hung up the phone, and then it happened. 

Stacy picked up the phone and first called Mike to let him know that she was in labor. Then she called Chief. 

"Chief it's Stacy. I can't come fight I am about to have a baby."

She hung up the phone right when Mike ran in the door. Mike grabbed Stacy and put her in the car and they drove off. Stacy was in much pain after the baby was born. She was almost dead. Mike was worried. Stacy didn't nurse her baby therefore she was to weak and couldn't produce milk. So her baby was put on formula. And then... Mike received a phone call from the hospital saying that Stacy was gone. Mike didn't know what to do or say. He was crying. He knew that without Stacy he didn't know what he would do. 

He would of course take care of the baby girl which he called Amber. 

A long time had passed and Amber was now in 8th grade old enough to understand the story of her mother, and how she died. 

"Father?"

"Yes Amber?" Mike said

"When you go back to war tomorrow do I have to go into another boarding school.?"

"Yes honey. I would keep you home by yourself, but if I'm gone a few years, I just don't feel comfortable with leaving you hear all by yourself. Understand?"

"Yes father."

Amber was put in a boarding school, and as she figured the shy girl made no friends and everyone bullied her. In her free time she spent it crying in her room alone. 

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Tue Jan 20, 2015 2:04 am
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Evander wrote a review...



Hello, dogsrule! Adrian back here for another review!

"Now soldiers. Listen up" Chief said sounding angry. "The war is almost over, but I do expect you to still be on my team. Understand?"

The whole first scene seems like it's... for Capture the Flag or something like that. While I guess the soldiers do have a choice if the want to help the enemy or not, it doesn't seem all that necessary to say that in a speech. It's the last day. Yes, they could decide to help out the enemy-- but it doesn't seem all that likely. Also, why do they only have to kill twenty men to win? It sorta seems like a video game, when you have a kill goal. Unless that's how many men are on the German side-- but that doesn't seem that likely either. I think to end a war, there needs to be a treaty?

So, there's the end of the war-- and it's just skipped? No details at all? No recounts of the losses, or small scenes? That would have been really fun to read, thought it would have taken quite some research to write. So I do understand why it is not there.

...they chief calls her and isn't aware of her pregnancy? That doesn't seem all that realistic to me. Like Cricket said, would she be on a "do not contact her, she is not fit to fight" list or something at least. Also, I thought the war was over! Why is she being called back to the war once it has ended? Unless there is another one going on. Even if there was another one going on, it should be noted at least. That's very important information that needs to be acknowledged. (Additionally, if the war wasn't actually won, it would be nice to know.)

...saying that Stacy was gone.

I'm assuming in this sense of "gone" that means she died. Which is sad. However, her death was very sudden and there was no build up to it at all. No warning, no foreshadowing. One moment she has a baby, and it very weak, the next she is dead. It was also a very brief death. Only mentioned in the passing. There wasn't really anything for it. Although, I am sad that she is dead. She's the main character.

She had to be 14 or so to actually understand the war, and her mother's death? She literally grew up without a mother, and was told how Stacy died in the eighth grade. I'm sorry, but that seems just a bit too long to wait.

With the end of this chapter, I'm not sure if it's a beginning to another story, or if the story has ended. Anyways, I did enjoy this chapter and I hope that you keep on writing this story! (Or just stories in general if this is the last chapter.)

~Adrian




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks



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Fri Jan 09, 2015 3:21 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Ah, I remember this story. Now, let's see if I remember it enough to get a review done. xD


Wow, a lot happens in this chapter, doesn't it? I would have to say that too much happens. They win a war, Mike proposes to Stacy and gets accepted, they have a baby, and Stacy disappears? Seeing that winning a war is so much more complicated than that, that, in itself, needs to be worked on. For the general to give a motivational speech right there, and tell them that they would need 20 more men to win the war. Twenty more men? Why twenty? Also, that should have been expanded more on. You don't just skip over the actual winning of the war, as that seems to be a part that the readers would be most interested in. Elaboration on all of these things would be best.

Here's a basis of what you could do with this chapter to expand on it more.

1) The general needs to give a much more so motivational speech. He needs to explain a lot more than what he did as to why there only needs to be twenty more men; there needs to be description of his and their's surroundings, ect...,

2) The war needs to take place in a chapter. Skipping over it won't help anything, but bore the readers. Go into where it took place, how it happened, who died, and so forth.

3) The readers need to see Mike sweating over asking Stacey just a little. Don't make it overly easy for them. Some emotion and heartbreak is what you need sometimes. Here, it would just be best for Mike to have a bit of reservation about asking Stacey because he's afraid that she'll say no. Eh?

4) Something can happen in-between; before she gets pregnant and then called back into action. Also, a woman who is pregnant, I don't think would be called back into action. They would most likely have her on record as unable to fight, or blah blah kind of thing. You get what I mean? And the general himself wouldn't be making the phone call, in my opinion. He has way too many things to deal with, without making personal phone calls like that.

5) Next, she needs to be acting just a bit more... in labor, I guess you could call it. Just saying she's in pain, does not cut it. You need to show us that she's in pain. Descriptions, dialogue especially, would be nice to help bring this point across. She can be talking to Mike about how much it hurts, or how much she wants the baby out, and she can be crying and gripping onto something while they drive. You can describe her face and how the pain changed it. Just little details. Right now, we have basically zero imagery for this, but a woman answering the phone and then suddenly going into labor. Granted, Stacey is the type of character that could and almost has become an amazing heroine. But, she needs more development, more emotional and meaningful dialogue, and more description of her physical side.

6)And this one thing that bugs me... WHERE DID SHE GO? Now that just makes me sad. What exactly happened to Stacey? Obviously, there is something happening behind the scenes that I don't know about, or I must have missed. One thing is for certain, Mike needs to feel this very acutely. Much more acutely, than what he is being shown to show. He needs to be seen trying to find her, he needs to be yelling at the hospital, as wasn't she in their care when she disappeared?

More, more, emotion for your characters. That's very important, as if we can't see what your characters are feeling, then we aren't feeling it either. And if we aren't feeling it, then we don't have a reason to read. You aren't that far off. Just a couple of tweaks and you'll be there. Try and focus, for now, and exaggerating what they are feeling. It's not a big deal if you over-exaggerate on something; you can always just go back and fix it. But if you don't go into it enough, then you leave your reader with an empty feeling. See what I mean?

Anyway, as far as grammar goes, I would suggest looking towards your commas. Commas can be explained here. That link should help you out a lot in regards to this. Commas when going into dialogue tags are exceedingly necessary, commas that follow usually after names are necessary as well. Just remember that those commas are very important. They separate different elements and ideas in a sentence; that is their purpose.

Anyway, hope this helps you out some!

Let me know if you have any questions~

Keep writing!

~Cricket




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks!




Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
— Obi-Wan Kenobi