Hey, Dogsrule! Finally, the next chapter is out. Let's start the review, shall we? 
The beginning really bothers me. It feels like this novel has lost its whole setting. Instead of being on the battle field and chasing after Mike, we're watching a girl fall out of her bed and go to school. After the first few paragraphs, I lost my will to read on because it was all too different. I'm happy for the characters, but there's this sense of lost that lingers. Because now that Mike has gotten together with Stacy and they have a kid, it's like the objective of the novel has been achieved. We've had our happy ending. Stacy woke up from the coma, the battle had been won. The title of the novel has little to no meaning, unless there shall be another war.
"Okay mom." Stacy said sighing.
Little bit of confusion right there. I thought that Stacy was the mom and Amber was the kid.
Also, comma between "okay" and "Mom." Another thing, "Mom" needs to be capitalized."Good morning dear." Said Mike, as Amber was coming down the stairs.
Comma between "good morning" and "dear."
"Morning dad. Mom what time does school start."
Comma between “morning” and “Dad,” “Dad” needs to be capitalized because it is a title. There needs to be a comma between “Mom” and “what,” and there needs to be a question mark replacing that second period.
I would like to say that the speech seems really... stiff. It has no characters and the sentences are so easy to read. The way they speak doesn't even differ from character to character. It's like cardboard. There needs to be a difference to really add a backbone, or else it is just flat.
The descriptions of Ethan and Emily are really out of place. They don’t need to be there at all. It would make more sense to actually describe them and tell the reader about them after we’ve met them. Even then, it was really weird. Perhaps the report of how they looked like could have gone like this:
Emily was Amber’s best friend. She had long, dirty blonde hair that was often up in a nice fishtail braid. Amber and her were similar in height. Her personality is caring. Also, she has a boyfriend named Ethan Chandler.
That’s better, but it still seems weird and totally out of place. That can all be said through action. So on the way to school, Emily gives directions to someone – or helps a kitten out of a tree. She jogs and her dirty blonde hair waved bounced around, the fishtail whacking against her back. Amber notices that they are about the same in height as they walk side by side. Little things like that. Even a little conversation can give a lot away without telling.
Another thing, this all seems a bit rushed. With short discussions and brief sentences, there isn’t anything to savor. The paragraphs seem disconnected and jerky.
"Can I get a dog?"
Woah, that came out of nowhere. There was no foreshadowing, no thoughts leading up to it, it just popped up unexpected. Which is alright, sometimes! But normally events that change the character’s lives are hinted at beforehand. And getting a dog is something that has the potential to be huge.
"Sure if you are willing to take care of it."
Shouldn’t that be given just a little bit more thought? Dogs can be really expensive, and what is Stacy wouldn’t want one? Things like that need to be discussed.
Though, I do feel somewhat bad for Amber, and her emotional state does make sense. I do hope that her and Emily will be able to talk with each other and discuss how Amber feels. Summer seems like an awesome dog as well, and hopefully she’ll play a big part in these upcoming chapters.
Anyway, despite all of the nitpicks, you are improving and I am incredibly proud. Please keep on writing!
~Adrian
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Reviews: 324
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