Unsafe ~ Chapter 3

by dogsrule5

Published June 17, 2016

12+

In My books

You awake the next morning, and get ready to go find Isabella. You get your blue and purple bag and pack it with food, clothes, money that this mystery person gave you a while ago that you never have used because you forgot about it, phone, and phone charger. You lock your little shelter and head into town ready to find Isabella.

 You didn't see Isabella, but out of the corner of your eye, you see Amber. She's staring at you with an evil glare. She walks up to you. Your nervous, but try not to show it. You don't want Amber to think of you as a scared little girl.

"Hello, Irene."

"How do you know my name?" You reply.

"Oh, your good friend Isabella told me."

"I don't believe that for a second. Now will you leave me alone, I'm busy."

"Okay, but just so you know Isabella is ready to kill you."

"I'm sure that's not true. If anyone here is evil it's you..."

"Okay, don't believe me, but don't come running to me if she tries to kill you."

"I wouldn't come to you, because I don't trust you, and I don't want anything to do with you, now I have things to do so goodbye."

You walk away not letting Amber get to say anything else. How could she say that Isabella is trying to kill me? If Izzy's my friend, she wouldn't do that. Amber's just trying to scare you. You think.

Everyone you walk past in town seems to know who you are. They just stare at you. You hear some little girl whisper to her mother about you. 

"Is that Irene?" The little girl asks.

"Yes dear." Her mother says. "She's very dangerous, so let's go."

They walk away as fast as they can, the mother staring at you. You try to stay out of everyone's way.

***

You are at the other side of town. You see more woods, but not the ones you came from.

Then you see footprints on the ground, as you walk closer to the forest. You think the footprints could be Isabella's. You follow them hoping they will lead you to Isabella. You walk through the woods. There are a lot of dead and fallen tress, but that doesn't seem to stop you. You continue to walk and the footprints end. You look down and there's a cliff. It's not too far of a drop, but still your scared. You back away hoping to find a bridge. You find one, but it seems unstable. But you knew you had to find Isabella so you choose to walk across the old wooden bridge. It looks like it's been here about 100 years.

You get to the middle of the bridge, and you hear a creaking noise. You think it's just nothing, and continue to walk. Then the bridge breaks under your weight, and your hanging on off the edge of the bridge.

You starting to slip and one hand falls, and you can't seem to get it back on the bridge. There is nothing really good to hang onto. Then your other hand slips and you fall. You land hard on the ground, the last thing you see is the sky spinning. Then all is dark. You have fallen unconscious.

***

You wake up to the sound of crows calling, and talking to one another.

What happened, you wonder. Then you look above and see the bridge, then you remember. You get up, but your ankle is throbbing. You wondering if you broke it. You knew you have to find Isabella, so you dealt with the pain. You limb on your leg, but it's hard. Your barely able to do it. You do anyway though, because you need to find Isabella. You find a way up and out of the cliff, and continue to follow the footprints. Eventually the footprints disappear, and you don't know where you are. You see an exit to the forest into a different town that doesn't look familiar at all.

You walk out of the forest and the town is destroyed and only a couple houses stand. A storm must've occurred, but you didn't know. Your ankle continues to throb as you continue your search for Isabella. You eventually have to sit down to rest your injured ankle. Now it's too hard to walk, it hurts so bad, you don't think you can deal with the pain. 

You grab a quick snack out of your bag and check your phone. It's at 60% battery and still no texts or anything.

After you rest for a few more minutes you continue to wander the destroyed city.  

Then you see a person. She's on the ground.

"Hey, are you okay?" You ask running over to her. "Isabella?"

"Irene. Yes I'm fine" Isabella said.

"I remember you!" You say.

"You do, that's great."

"Where are we?" You ask confused. "And why are you here?"

"We are in a destroyed city. I'm here because I was looking for my mom and dad. They lived here, before the town was destroyed about a few hours ago. I heard what happened on the news. There's no sign of them, I think they are dead."

"That's to bad." You say sympathetically. "I'm so sorry." You reached out to give Isabella a hug.

You start to walk back home, and into the forest, but as you do, your ankle throbs to much, and you fall not able to continue your journey.

"What happened?" Isabella asks.

You explain to Isabella about how you were walking on the unstable bridge, then how you feel, then how you got out and ended up here with her.

"Go home." You say. "I'll be fine."

"Your my friend, Irene, I'm not going to leave you hear alone."

Isabella helps heal your ankle as much as she can. She uses some herbs she found in the woods back at the town the two of you came from. It feels a little bit better. You are able to walk again, and you make it back home to your shelter, where Isabella spends the night.
You both fall asleep instantly.

***

The next morning you awake, and Isabella is gone. Not again, you think. You walk into town and figure that she just went home, but you needed to go to the store anyway so you grab some money that you forgot about and never used from that mystery person and leave your shelter. You are still curious about who the mystery person is.

Your ankle still hurts, but it's better since Isabella used those herbs.

You get to town and see Amber in the distance. She seems distracted. She is talking to someone, but you can't tell who. You get closer, and see Isabella talking to Amber. You can't make out what they are saying, but you don't really want to know.

You run away as quickly as possible, and pretended like you saw nothing. You can ask Isabella about it later.

You walk into the store, get what you need and leave. You walk out of the store with about three grocery bags. You find Isabella sitting on a bench outside.

You walk up to her, ready to ask her about her talking to Amber today.

"Hey." You say.

"Oh, hi Irene. Come sit."

You sit down beside Isabella.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, anything." Isabella replied. "What's up?"

"I saw you talking to Amber earlier today."

"Yeah, so? What's the problem?"

"Well Amber doesn't like me much, and I was just wondering what she told you."

"Look, the conversation wasn't about you at all. Now if you excuse me, I have to go."

With that, she got up and left. You think she was lying, but you know you can trust Isabella. She's your friend. At least that's what you think.

***

You get back to your shelter, thinking that Isabella did just have to go, but where. She doesn't really have a job, or anything to do that you know about.

Whatever, you think. You think your just paranoid. You make yourself some lunch, and just kind of hang around the shelter thinking things through.

Comments & reviews · 3
XxXTheSwordsmanXxX wrote a review Review · Jun 27, 2016

Greetings from The Swordsman!

I know that this is the third chapter, and I would likely have a better understanding of what was going on with the first two chapters, but this was an....interesting story. As they have cell phones but no cars. I'm getting the dystopian vibe from this particular tale.

I have to say that placing the reader in the place of the main character sort of reminds me of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. Those were always fun. But I digress. In truth, with the way that this is written, though you put the reader in the story as the character, it feels very impersonal. I wasn't really drawn into the story.

I found some grammar mistakes as I was reading that I thought were big enough to bring to your attention:

"Your nervous, but try not to show it. " Should be You're.

" How could she say that Isabella is trying to kill me? If Izzy's my friend, she wouldn't do that. Amber's just trying to scare you. You think." This needs to be made a little more obvious that it is a ' thought' and not a description. I usually Italics for thoughts.

"It's not too far of a drop, but still your scared." Should be you're.

"You knew you have to find Isabella..." have should be had.

"You limb on your leg," limb should be limp.

"Your barely able to do it." Your should be You're.

"That's to bad." to should be too.

"Your my friend, Irene, I'm not going to leave you hear alone." hear should be here.

Your descriptions need work. I know that we have a forest, but is a dark and dimly lit forest? Is it bright and cheery? What about the destroyed town? You say only a few buildings are standing, but what about the rest? are they just gone or is there rubble and debris everywhere? You, as the narrator, are the only window we have into this world. Adding more description will help pull the reader in to really see what you are wanting them to see.

I also was a little...put off by the ending part. Isabella asks the reader to sit with her, they ask a single question, and Isabella pushes it off and then walks away? If this is supposed to be a good friend then why are they ignoring their friend's concern? It just seems off.

I can't say that I really liked this story. It felt rather flat to me and I really couldn't put myself into the story itself. Try adding a little more about the character's emotions or how they feel, a little more description to help the reader visualize the world that you are crafting. I really hope to see more from you in the future.

Happy Writing!

Thanks so much for your opinion. I'm sorry you don't really like the story. I'm really glad you gave me a review!

~Dogs

FlamingPhoenix wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

Hi my name is Tsunami and I am here again to give you a great review like a said. Oh and if I say anything that is rood in this review please tell me because I don’t mean to be rood at all.

Okay let’s get started with what I like about the chapter.

I like the name of the story I think so fare it soots what I have read so great choices of name it is still really good. :D I like the characters to so fare. I like they have different personalities. Like I keep on saying if you make all of your characters have the same personality's people will just think the story is lame and boring. So I think you are doing a great job with your story so fare. :D :) :wink: :wink: So that is all good for now.

Okay I am now going to start the review.

You awake the next morning, and get ready to go find Isabella. You get your blue and purple bag and pack it with food, clothes, money that this mystery person gave you a while ago that you never have used because you forgot about it, phone, and phone charger. You lock your little shelter and head into town ready to find Isabella.

You didn't see Isabella, but out of the corner of your eye, you see Amber. She's staring at you with an evil glare. She walks up to you. Your nervous, but try not to show it. You don't want Amber to think of you as a scared little girl.

On this paragraph I think you can do a little bit more. Like you can describe the phone, and what did the morning air smell like, and was the sun only just rising are was it fully up? It is just small things like that that need to be fixed.
You are at the other side of town. You see more woods, but not the ones you came from.

Then you see footprints on the ground, as you walk closer to the forest. You think the footprints could be Isabella's. You follow them hoping they will lead you to Isabella. You walk through the woods. There are a lot of dead and fallen tress, but that doesn't seem to stop you. You continue to walk and the footprints end. You look down and there's a cliff. It's not too far of a drop, but still your scared. You back away hoping to find a bridge. You find one, but it seems unstable. But you knew you had to find Isabella so you choose to walk across the old wooden bridge. It looks like it's been here about 100 years.

Okay and over here I think you an describe the forest a little bit more. Like was it quite and was it peace fall? It is just little things like that. Oh and what did it smell like?

So that is all. :D I think it is really good. I hope you will keep on righting great work. I am looking for word to reading more of your of your fantastic work, and your next chapter. Oh and good luck with that by the way. :wink: I hope you have a great day are night.

Oh and happy review day from your new friend Tsunami. :D

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lubbelj Comment
lubbelj commented Comment · Jun 17, 2016

Yay! Another Chapter!! It was amazing, I love it!!!!!

Thanks so much. I'm glad you really liked it. Chapter four will be out shortly. I will try and get it out as soon as possible. Again, I'm glad you like my story. Thanks so much for the support! :D



My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
— A.A. Milne