Something You Should Know... Sorry I haven't been able to write Chapter nine, I have just been busy with school work, house work, shopping, and other stuff that is more important than playing on the computer, phone, etc. Anyway thanks for understanding. Now on to the book! ;)
He was laying on the ground, in pain, breathing slowly. How can I help him... Stacy thought. She got there as quick as she could when she got the message that Mike was on the ground. Stacy thought about taking him to the nurse of the battle, but it was useless, because she remembered when Mike told her that the nurse tent was gone, and destroyed by the bombs, or something like that. The next thing you know is that someone from the German's is running twords Stacy. Stacy was not afraid to kill anyone, on the other side, but this guy imparticular made Stacy feel as if she needed to listen to him.
"Hey are you looking for away to heal your little friend?"
"Hey are you looking for away, to go to death land, because I think I know where to go?" Stacy replied with anger.
"Hey are looking for a place... A place to ah... Um... Um-"
"Out of thoughts stupid head, because I have one, and it's gonna be in your head in a minute."
"No need to be rude."
"Too bad."
"Shut up. You don't-"
"I don't what?" Stacy interrupted not even taking time to listen to the German. "I don't say sorry. Well that sucks for you."
"Does it Stacy, does it?"
"Wait a sec... How do you know my name."
"Maybe I've heard a lot of you love birds, talking, but for now let's just say this..."
And with a bang the gun shot, but gladly missed Stacy.
"Maybe you should work on your aim."
"Yeah I should-" While the German says this, Stacy chuckles a little, but loud enough for the German to hear. "Wait a second. You player."
"I'm not a player, I just tricked you because again, YOUR STUPID."
And with a bang another gun shot went off and in a flash of lightning, the German lie on the ground, not breathing at all. Blood dripped for his nose, and his mouth. Stacy didn't care though, she was only worried about Mike.
"Mike." She said in a soft, calm voice. "You will be alright. I promise."
Later that night, Stacy found Mike, and quickly, but quietly she went into his tent, that had been rebuild. Stay knew this for a fact. She also knew that the nurses tent, was not rebuild because the nurse had died, and sadly there was on one else, who wanted to do it, so no one bothered. They just went to other things.
"Stacy." Mike said quietly.
"Mike." Stacy said. "I am so sorry, I should of-"
"No Stacy. It's my fault. I shouldn't have ignored you like I did. It was wrong of me to do such a thing to the one I love."
"Mike please. I know you and I were mad at each other, and for different reasons, but let's not worry about that anymore. You're alive. And that's all that matter."
After talking Mike leaned forward, and gave Stacy a nice long kiss on the lips. Stacy though was not expecting that, for she had been to caught up in healing Mike the old fashioned way. With herbs.
"Mike" Stacy said blushing.
Now that they were officially a couple, things didn't have to be secretive anymore. Not with them anyway!
Later that night, Stacy and Mike ate dinner, even though it was like midnight when they were doing it. Stacy and Mike finally went to bed after what seemed like years, even though it was only three days.
"Goodnight Mike." Stacy said
"Night." Mike said as he left to his ten, a few tents away from Stacy's.
During the night.
Stacy screamed when she heard the sound of German's running twords her.
"Help" she screamed.
Mike came, but by the time he got there it was too late.
"NO" Stacy screamed for the third time. "Mike, Mike, please no. Please..."
She cried until her eyes popped out.
Later.
Stacy ran out of her tent at 4:00 A.M. running as fast as her legs could carry her, to Mike's tent, with the dream in her mind.
"Mike..."
Mike was gone, wasn't in his tent. Stacy knew that they had until 11:00 A.M. to sleep. She knew something must have gone wrong. She went to the chief.
"Chief" She cried. "Mike's gone."
"No he isn't he just went to fight again, he said something about he couldn't sleep."
"Phew." Stacy said. "Thanks."
"Whatever" Chief said. "NOW GO FIGHT."
Stacy didn't want to argue, even though she didn't get the right amount of sleep, because she didn't want the Chief to yell. She took off running with her gun, and went off to fight.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello, dogsrule5! I am RavenMoonStone, the person who had been reviewing all the previous chapters.
Anyways, I got my name changed, and I'm here to review chapter 9 and chapter 10! Onto the review...
I really hope that their relationship will be a long, healthy one. Because we have waited 8 chapters for this to happen. Though, it wouldn't surprised me if they broke up, and got together again-- that seems to happen a lot in romance novels. It also wouldn't surprise me to find someone in the war who wants to break them up.
Woohoo! Mike was saved, and Stacy got kissed! They are both officially a couple, which means more lovely dovey stuffs.
Like those below me have noted, there needs to be a comma after "hey." Also, away should be a way. Because "away" means "to put somewhere in a place for safe keeping" or "a distance." Although, a way means "a method or a process."
Ah, Stacy and Mike are like famous lovers? How would a German know of this? Even if word got around, how could it get to another camp-- and the camp is an enemy one. Now, some funny scenes of two people talking about Stacy and Mike, then being comically shot dead. However, I doubt that actually happened. So, how would news of them travel? Also, if the story of the two hidden lovers gets to the Germans, are the plans to fight the Germans spread too? Is any sort of information safe?
While the description is getting better! I feel like some areas are lacking in it. For example, the dream felt like it was just dialogue. Even the smallest of details can make the scene come alive.
Ouch.
...Mike was hurt, but then the next morning he was well enough to fight? That seems a little fishy to me. Unless he's some sort of super-human will super healing powers. Because even if Stacy healed him with herbs, he would have to recover. Since I do not know the injuries he sustained, that's all the advice I can give you on that.
Anyways, I am glad that you are back to writing, and I am loving where this story is going! I'll be reviewing the next chapter soon!
~Rae~AdriThanks! And I love the new user name.
Hi! Cricket here, for a review!
Oh, finally. I was starting to think you weren't going to be posting this again. xD Glad to see there's another chapter up.
What I guess I really liked about this, was how they finally got together. Or they sorta got together. Technically they were already together in my mind, but now it seems that it's official. I think this is a chapter that focused, of course, on Stacy's side of the story and also developed her more. You also showed fairly well, all throughout, how much she cared for Mike, and that is something that I found extremely important, for the development of this story. Keep it up.
However, there are quite the number of typos all throughout this and I would really suggest you running through this before posting. Reviewer's instantly see the typos and so since that is the most obvious mistake, they want you to go and fix it, so that is what they critique first. I'll do my best to just try and get the big stuff for now, so hope this helps you.
Okay, I lied. Here's something that is pretty big, but still small. After a greeting, such as Hey you always have a comma. There are two or three instances like this after this one, that need a comma so don't forget. ^ ^
There weren't that many mistakes when it came to contractions, but this one seemed to be kinda out there, if you get my meaning.
Your= possessive (like "is that your's?"
You're= means you are literally.
Hope that made sense to you.
Alright, now here's something that is a pretty darn major problem. Your punctuation dialogue. It's gotta be fixed. xD When going into a dialogue tag, you use a comma and not a period. In this case, you have your capitalization good, as it's a proper noun that started it and not a common noun, but in other cases you have it wrong, with common nouns being caps. Here's a link to explain this in full detail]. It was written by Demeter and is extremely helpful in this particular area of writing dialogue. Hope it's helpful. ^ ^
One area I would suggest you working on, is your showing and not telling. I've probably talked about this before with you, but I'm not sure so I'll go into it a little more.
Telling is like saying to the reader, The MC felt afraid. Now you're not showing us how the MC is afraid, but just informing us of the fact that they are. It invokes no real emotion in us, but if you show us that the MC is frightened then it becomes completely different! We start to feel for the character, and sometimes we want to act in their stead. See what I mean? Try and get some real emotion into it, and not just telling us what so and so did and how so and so feels. Describe it to us. Describe their reactions, their thoughts, their actions, but always keep in mind that when you're trying to get a point across (if they're afraid, or angry, or whatever) you have to write with that intention in your writing. And when you're done, read through and see if you think you got it across! Hope that makes some sense.
Okay, I think that's all for now! Let me know when you post next!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hello! I'd like to review your piece. I noticed several times that in dialogue you need a sentence but you forget/don't put one when it seems to need it.
"Hey are you looking for away to heal your little friend?"
I think it'd sound better if you put a period after 'hey' and then start a new sentence-or at least a comma after it.
"Whatever" Chief said. "NOW GO FIGHT."
In dialogue, as you do your periods, there is also commas. I noticed that you put neither. Probably just a small mistake.
Mike was gone, [and]wasn't in his tent.
"No he isn't, he just went to fight again. He said something about he couldn't sleep."
I put the comma after 'no he isn't' and put a period after 'again'. If you read over it a couple of times, I think you'll see how it improves it slightly.
"Mike." Stacy said, blushing.
Periods/comma after dialogue.
"Help" she screamed.
Since she is screaming, the dialogue would be ended with an exclamation mark.
She cried until her eyes popped out.
Her eyes literally popped out...?
She took off running with her gun, and went off to fight.
Just a suggestion--but instead of saying 'running' and use better word choice, you could replace it with bolting away/sprinting/etc. I usually search up the definition on Google and then the synonyms come up when I can't think of a replacement for the word.
imparticular
I'm guessing you meant ' in particular'
Overall, the story was decent but is open for improvement.
Sorry, about this kind of rude comment about your review, but when you said... "her eyes literally popped out. Just saying, and sorry about the rudeness, but have you ever heard of figuative language, becasue that's what it was? And also did you even enjoy the story? BEcause from the sounds of all the nitpicks you didn't.
Well, nitpicks are improving your story, I'm trying to help you. Yes, I've heard of fig. language many times.
Sorry then, but still that is fig. language.
I'm really sorry I got a little mad at you. I was just in a bad mood that day. I didn't mean to be so harsh.