Chapter 16
Amber was back at her tent. It was finally her turn to sleep and eat. It's only been about 12 hours since she's eaten, but of course she was starving. Josh saw Amber sitting in her tent eating a turkey sandwich.
"Hey." Josh said. "Can I join you?"
"Yeah, sure Josh."
"Cool, I wouldn't want a beautiful lady sitting alone."
"Thanks" I replied blushing.
He leaned in for a kiss when we were interrupted by chief. "WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING? GET BACK IN THE FIELD JOSH. AMBER SLEEP, OR ELSE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO."
"Yes Sir." Amber replied.
Josh left Amber's tent and once again Amber was alone.
Does he really love me? she thought. What about mom and dad? Do they still care? Who am I kidding of course they do. What if they come looking for me? Oh God, what have I done? Maybe it was a mistake leaving home. What now. They can't... Ugh, I'm done...
Amber dozed off into a deep sleep dreaming that she one day would have kids of her own and they went off to serve in the war, just like her. Her husband would be Josh, they would live in the city in Florida. Close to Disney World, so they could have fun family moments.
Back at home (Stacy & Mike)
"What are we going to do about this?" Mike asked.
"I don't know about you, but I'm going after her." Stacy said.
"I'm following, I wouldn't want you to get hurt."
"I'll be fine babe."
"You were in a coma last time. I can't lose you this time."
"How do you... Whatever, you can come just hurry up and pack, and let's get on the plane."
They finally made it to the Battle Field.
"There's chief." Mike said.
"Oh it's you guys again. Your looking for Amber right?"
"Yes chief." Stacy said.
"Okay right this way."
Stacy walked into Amber's tent.
"Amber wake up."
"Mom, dad, what the heck are you doing here. It's my turn to fight. You had yours."
"Why are you here." Stacy asked.
"Mom, I wanted to be like you ever since you I was little. Don't you understand why I wanted to come to war now."
"Of course I do honey, but I want you to be safe at home. I don't want you to get hurt as badly as I did."
"Mom, go. Please. I can do this, I will come home alive. I promise."
"Fine." Stacy finally gave in. "Mike, let's go."
Stacy left all fired up.
***
Bombs flew, but Amber didn't seem to notice. She was too busy thinking about her parents. She couldn't fall back to sleep now, even though she was super tired and wanted too. No matter how hard she tried, Amber couldn't fall back to sleep. She was wide awake in an instant though. She heard a gun shot and a scream. It sounded like Josh. She stood up in her tent grabbed her gun, but before she could leave the tent, it was bombed, and Amber was dead.
Chief came in the tent about to tell Amber it was time to go back to station six, when he found her dead.
"Oh God." I have to warn her parents.
Luckily Stacy and Mike haven't left yet. Chief got them, and Stacy and Mike took Amber to the nearest hospital, which wasn't far away at all.
Amber was lying in her hospital bed. Stacy was scared as heck. Mike was also very worried. They didn't know what to do. Stacy was sobbing. Mike trying to comfort her, but nothing was working.
The doctor came in, and gave Amber a shot.
Later that eveing, Mike and Stacy had to leave the hospital, they rented a hotel close by, so they could keep an eye on Amber.
Later that night Amber awoke. She was dead, but the shot did something to wake her.
"Where am I?" Amber asked the doctor who was still in the room.
"In the hospital dear. Everyone thought you were dead, but I know you weren't. Listen you can't leave, your parents are in a hotel close by. You just have to keep calm until further notice."
"What happened? Why am I here?"
"You were bombed at war honey. But don't worry, you're going to be fine. I promise."
The doctor left the room, but only for a second. She brought in some food. "Eat this" she said. It will help.
Amber ate the food. It didn't taste very good, but she didn't complain.
Chapter 17
Amber had fallen back to sleep, and the doctor did all she could to heal the wounds. Amber's breaths were getting slower. The nurse called in the doctor, but by the time the doctor got there, Amber was gone. There was no more they could do. The doctor blamed herself, because Amber was one of the few patients she couldn't cure.
The nurses called Amber's parents and broke the news. Amber's parents left the hotel and went hope, weeping all the way. When they got home they called for a funeral. It was all to sad for everyone who came.
***
Stacy and Mike decided to have another child. They named him, Zachery, but called him Zach. They didn't tell Zach any of the battle stories, or about Amber. They kept all that a secret so Zach wouldn't get any ideas about going off to battle.
***
Life was good for them. They became a happy family, but still cried about Amber.
Everyone was pretty much happy. They had a happy life, and a good one. Zach grew up, and didn't go to Battle.
Stacy and Mike were really happy, and they always will remember their great times at the Battle, but Zach never knew, and they were all happy that way.
I hope you guys really enjoyed this story. I know chapter 17 was very short, but I'm glad it had a happy ending. I hope you liked it. I also hope you read my next story.
Thanks for reading and reviewing. I love you all! :D
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey, Dogsrule! Adrian here to review as requested. Sorry it took so long to finally get around to this. Life got in the way. But nevertheless, I'm finally here!
In the starting paragraph, there is some trouble with the tensing and it reads awkwardly. While the set up is important to the scene, it's still somewhat bland. It has the potential to look inside of Amber's head and talk about how long it had been since she had eaten. The familiar gnawing pain in her stomach or how she could feel the growling. How good the turkey sandwich was. In order for the reader to envision the scene, sometimes we have to be there.
Woah, that was fast. Going back to the previous chapter, they've only had one conversation? It was in the rush of battle and only introducing a name. How can you base love off of that? If they had more conversations and gotten to know each other better, maybe leaning in for a kiss would have been more believable. They've just met each other. Amber has maybe just a crush at best. The romantic tension seems forced by the short dialogue.
As an author, you can't just simply say, "Oh! Well, they're in love!" That has to be shown through actions and dialogue, not just told through inner monologue. Love takes time, love takes work. It takes conversation, dedication, willingness, and communication. Writing love means that you have to be able to see if the characters are compatible or not, if the time is actually right for love. What if Josh just wanted a short romance and Amber wanted to be invested in a long relationship? What if Amber decides that war has no place for a small little romance?
What then?
It's obvious that Amber is at least yearning for a long term relationship. But how well do we know Josh?
Switching to a different topic, what war is this? Both of Amber's parents have fought, but there hasn't been much information regarding where they were fighting and who they were fighting. I remember a while back that it had been mentioned that Stacy was fighting the Germans, which makes me think of WWII, but that doesn't exactly line up with everything that has been told. The story line is all out of place. It's difficult to even envision a setting.
So there are tents, guns, and bombs. But where is this happening? Why do we care? What are they even fighting for?
Why hasn't she seen the causalities?
Often, those who fight in any war have a risk of developing PTSD. The chances for younger soldiers increase by seven times. War isn't neat, it's gritty.
To quote the article (apologies for the slight language):
Moving on to the next part. Honestly, the scene with Mike and Stacy felt incredibly rushed. It was all dialogue and no emotion, even though it looked like emotion wanted to be there. The first five lines were incredibly sweet! However, they could have been drawn out longer with more description packed. There was barely any setting and that kinda needs to be there in order to have a solid scene.
When did they buy the tickets? How do they know where Amber is? Is she's in the midst of a battle, why are civilians -- whether they be veterans or not -- able to fly there on a moment's notice?
War isn't just in one place, it's in a lot of places at once. What station are they going to? Things like these need to be researched in order for the story to have an ounce of realism. In order to suspend disbelief in the reader, things need to at least make sense and fit together. Having a lot of empty things that don't make sense are just really dissatisfying.
Google is your friend and your community is your friend as well. If you have access to a local library, checking out a book on U.S. military protocol. (I'm assuming U.S. because Amber talked about Disney World.) There are bound to be some veterans in real life and on the internet who wouldn't mind answering questions. Research is incredibly important and if you need sources then it's pretty easy to find them since they are becoming more accessible.
She's just going to give up, like that? She flew on a plane to find her daughter and she's just going to leave? After all that energy spent worrying?
That was sudden.
No seriously, that was incredibly sudden.
There was no foreshadowing, no warning, no building up to her death. One paragraph and then Amber was gone.
Even though this was a novel surrounding war, it didn't feel like it. And even after Amber has died, her death feels somewhat misplaced. There are causalities of war, but since we haven't really seen them, it's hard to go, "Oh yeah, she can die too."
If Amber was truly believed to be dead, then she wouldn't have been taken to a hospital. Depending on where the so-called war was, she might have been taken to a morgue or a certain tent. In movies, they'd probably pull a white cloth over her face. The family would mourn.
She would not have gone to a hospital.
The doctor wouldn't have given Amber a shot, they would have gotten someone to take her down to the morgue. Someone would have came out and given their condolences to Mike and Stacy.
There is no miracle shot to bring someone back from the dead. If she truly died in the bombing, her body would have sustained injury. In pieces, even. If she was in the tent, then it probably would have fallen on top of her. Getting her out of there wouldn't have been an easy task.
Actually, one of my friends is talking to me about this, and the book probably would have had more of an emotional ending if it had just stopped there. There was a bombing and then everything faded to black. Is she dead, is she still alive? No one really knows but it'd be emotional.
But foreshadowing is incredibly important for an event like this.
How did the doctor know? What clued them in? On that thought, why did everyone think that she was dead? If she was still breathing, then at least the chief would have seen death enough times to where he would have at least checked for a pulse? If they thought she was dead, why a hospital?
Just some things to think about.
There are a few more things that I could say about Amber's final death, but I think I'll cut the review here. As some people have probably stated, chapter 17 was incredibly rushed. The entire end was summarized in six paragraphs. Now, endings can be written in many ways, but that was honestly rushed. So Mike and Stacy just had another kid? While it's sweet to know that they moved on, it's also just a little shocking. How long did they mourn their only kid?
Anyway! You have improved as an author throughout the course of this book and I do hope that you'll be moving on with another draft! This has some potential and I would love for that to be expanded. If you have any questions, feel free to leave a message on my wall or via PM!
~Adrian
Thanks so much for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed the novel.
Timmy here!
I'm sorry for being the guy that shows up at the last chapter and can only critique what's on the surface - the small things that, while matter to your writing in the long run, won't affect this particular piece as much unless you edit.
Let's begin. c:
I will make a short note on your pacing. While I love your story and the great characters, plot and drama you've played out in here, it's moved along so fast that I feel as though we're missing a lot of what you could be giving us here. What I'd suggest is slowing down the story here, giving us more of what you already have... and allow your reader to soak in the information, take in both your characters and the plot. Otherwise, we're moving along so fast that we can't get into your book here. It's more like skimming the surface, when all readers want to dive deep into your book. :3
You're also having issues keeping in the right tense. Some of your chapter is in present tense, while other parts are in past tense, and it strangles those parts. Look through the piece and, after deciding what tense you're going to use, eliminated either the past tense (I had a pair of shoes), or take out the present tense (I have a pair of shoes). Once you smooth that out, your piece will be much more fun to read and some reading obstacles will be removed. It'll just make the reading so much smoother. c:
I loved your book here, to be honest, and I think you have a lot of potential with it. However, you should spend time on it - possibly even re-writing it for added content and needed edits. Besides what I saw that I already pointed out, there are some things missing that seemed odd. For instance, there was a boyfriend in the beginning... and he was about to kiss her, right? And then we don't see him again, even when she dies and comes back to life for a bit in the hospital (a part that never was explained, and so confused me). The story you have here is quite honestly something I'd be tempted to pick up off the shelf and read, and probably would really pick it up, but while you have a nice writing style and an intriguing plot, it needs fleshing out.
~Darth Timmyjake, still in training
Thanks for the review. I will be writing a new story quite soon, but just working on ideas. Anyway, thinks for the advice, I will sure look for it in my next story, and my other writings. Thanks again!
-Dogs <3
Hey, there, dogs! Let's do chapter 16 first, and then we'll go on to 17.
Chapter 16
The first thing I noticed was the change in the perspective. Make sure you either keep it in first person ("I", "my", "we") or third person ("she", "he", "them", "they"). It's not proper grammar to do so, especially when writing novels. It's also cringe-worthy and can throw many people off.
Chief needs to be capitalized. You're addressing it as a replacement of a name. It's also his title, so that's also why.
Yeesh! There are a few things wrong with this. First of all, you need a comma after "field", and you need a comma after "Amber". Also, when he says "or else you won't be able to" that's a bit unclear. Maybe you could explain it a bit after the dialogue? This also just adds extra information to your story that we're lacking and we need. Secondly, try to stray away from caps. It's just annoying - and you don't need it. Exclamation points will do and a simple "he yelled, at the top of his lungs" dialogue tag will work fine.
*alarms blare* hey! hey! hey! This is a great chance to describe what the tent's like. Warm, cozy? What are the furnishings like? Maybe her eyes fall on a picture or a necklace before she falls into her thoughts. When you have the opportunity, shove some imagery in. Us readers need to know stuff.
Ooohkie dokkiee... First, "she" needs to be capitalized. Second, "mom and dad" need to be capitalized. You're using Mom and Dad as names; capitalize them. A comma is needed after "kidding".
This needs a lot more meat. Why does Amber want her kids go off to war? Give reason for Amber to have this dream - right now, it feels kind of meaningless. It's bland, dull, give it some heart crunching emotion that would devastate someone or make someone smile! It needs more meat.
Okay, I'm someone who absolutely adores dialogue. I use it all the time - probably too much. I love to read stories with realistic dialogue and enough to keep me entertained. However, I found that this was way too much. We get no descriptions, just a few dialogue tags. Umm, maybe some emotion? Describe their facial features - is Stacy raising her eyebrow? Are Amber's eyebrows knit together in mild anger and annoyance? More, more, more! Also, I'm really confused. Isn't Amber in... like, a war camp or something? It would take a lot for Stacy and her husband to get there, if that's even possible. It's just not realistic - people can't just hop into a war camp like it's a vacation spot in Miami.
Also, it mentions a coma. And, I feel no emotion at all. I should be frowning, my stomach churning as I recall the memory. But this here, it's too vague - it doesn't spark any emotion. Make me want to agree with Mike. But instead, it's just a bleak line, that I just skim over and read on. It needs more.
*stares* *blinks once* *shrugs*
This is what this paragraph makes me feel like. I don't feel like I'm about to cry. I don't feel any emotion. Heck, I could careless if Amber died. I think this paragraph needs to be built up a little more. It needs more. It doesn't make me want to throw my computer across the room because you kill off your main character.
Make me feel like that. Make me feel like growling in anger and seething and wanting to kill you because you killed off a beloved character. Instead, I don't feel this. I feel nothing at all. I wasn't that attached to Amber - make me feel relatable to her. Make me laugh with her and fall in love with her personality.
Please.
Death is usually abrupt, but this was way too abrupt. Two sentences, and bam. Your character is dead. Slow it down the tiniest bit - add a few details. Not too many. It's an action scene, you don't want to be spending so much time writing that by now she should have been dead ten minutes ago. But add a few details.
Umm.. what?
Overall, this was an okay chapter. Lots and lots of grammatical errors and I really think you could have added a lot more meat to your chapter, but I liked the plot. The amount of romance and action and other stuff was balanced out nicely. I'm still surprised you killed Amber.
Chapter 17
I'm sure many other people have died. This doesn't seem realistic.
O.o Woah there. They just... okay. Woah. Umm, more emotion please? Remember, show, don't tell. There was a lot of telling. Give me the emotion. Hurtle it at me. Describe Stella's rosy, infuriated cheeks.
Do you know what it feels like to lose a child? Parents don't just "weep and call for a funeral". They're gonna be mad and sad for quite some time.
I see why they kept it a secret, but still. Keeping away the secret of having a dead sister? Like, hello? That's a big deal. The least they could do is lie and say Amber died in a car crash.
I... don't get it? I would feel guilty every day of my life if I kept a secret that heavy from my son. I would most definitely not be happy.
Okay. So. Congrats on finishing your novel!! Woo! I'm really confused because Amber and Josh's relationship just left on a cliff? Like, where did Josh even go? The shot scene also really confused me.
Also, relating to your whole book, it's never made clear who they're actually fighting, and why.
Other than that, though, I don't think I have much else to say! Just, fantastic job and good luck on your next book!
~ EternalRain
PS omg this review is so long
PPS I am sooo sorry if any of this sounded brutal/harsh, I still love you ^-^ And it's still fantastic. So keep writing.
Thanks for the tips and advice. Also thanks for taking so much time for writing this very, very, very, very, very long review! LOL! I will be starting a new story soon. I'm still working on ideas. Anyway, I was wondering if you read my Dragon Keeper book on Wattpad. Also, just out of curiosity, how long did it take you write this review? It was a really good review, and I'm glad that you took the time to write it. I think I had too many nitpicks to count! xD. Anyways thanks again, and keep writing.
By the way good luck on you NANO novel. That's what it's called right?
Anyway, thanks again for the review.
-Dogs <3
You're very welcome! Can't wait for your next book
Hmm... it took me 30 minutes or so xD
Yup, that's what it's called. Thanks.
Thanks again! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I know I already told you this on Wattpad, but I will say it again! LOL. Talk to you later! Bye for now!
Bye the way, how do you make quote boxes again, I used to do it all the time, but now I just forget!