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Unsafe ~ Chapter 8

by dogsrule5


It's now morning you didn't fall back to sleep last night after that dream.

You figure Toby's still mad at you. You walk downstairs and Toby's already eating a bowl of cereal.

"Thanks for waiting for me Toby." You say.

"Oh, I would've thought you ran away again, to protect Izzy."

"Toby come on. You know I wouldn't..." He cut you off

"Are you sure Irene, are you sure? Look Irene, I'm going over to Izzy's to straighten things out. This will be a day she'll never forget."

"Toby, don't hurt her. She's not evil, and she wasn't the one in the house the night you were shot."

"Why would you trust her?"

"Because she's the only one I can trust."

"What's that supposed to mean? You can trust me."

"I'm not so sure, after what Izzy told me about you." You grab Toby's car keys from the table and run outside and into the car.

You have to warn Izzy about Toby. You can't let her get hurt. Not now. You will call Marilyn on the way.

Toby runs outside after you, and you're already down the driveway.

"Irene, I swear if you go back to Izzy's."

"Toby." You yell. "I cannot trust you anymore."

"What did she tell you Irene? At least tell me why you can't trust me."

"I just can't trust you. How do I even know you're my brother? How Am I supposed to trust you after what you did to Izzy."

"What did I do to Izzy? Come on Irene, give me details."

"You know what you did. You hurt her Toby. With a knife. That's not okay."

"What?"

"Izzy was right. You don't remember what you did, and you know, I hope you never do because what you did was wrong, especially to your girlfriend."

"For the record Irene, she's not even my girlfriend anymore."

"Well, she wants you back into her life, but I'm going to tell her not to trust you."

"Why?"

"Because you want to hurt her again."

"What do you mean again? I've never even hurt her before. She's probably telling you lies. Amber probably told...."

"Stop it Toby. Amber isn't involved in this anymore. It's Izzy, you and I. That's all it is now. Amber isn't part of this trust equation. Izzy's right. I can't trust you, and no one can."

"So you can trust her, but not me."

"Sorry Toby."

You drive off. Heading in the direction of Izzy's. You have to go back. She'll let you stay with her for a while probably.

**

After a while you arrive at Izzy's. You run up to the door, but this time you didn't try and hide who you were. Izzy saw you running to the door, and opened it. You ran inside and hugged her tightly.

"What's wrong?" Izzy asked.

"It's Toby. You were right, I cannot trust him. He threatened to come here and hurt you. He said he wanted to "straighten things out", and I think he wanted to hurt you. He doesn't think I can trust you and..."

You were cut off by Izzy.

"Calm down, it is okay. Nothing's going to happen. I promise."

You never called Marilyn in the car. You were too scared and worried about Izzy and Toby.

"I have to make a phone call Izzy." You say.

"Okay. Go ahead. Who is it?"

"Marilyn. She's a police officer. She helped me find you. I'm sorry, I should've told you, but I didn't know if you'd hate me."

"I don't hate you. I'm glad she's helping. She can totally help us figure out why Amber is targeting you."

"Yeah. I'll put her on speaker so she can meet you, and then help us both."

"Okay sounds good."

You call Marilyn.

"Hello?" Marilyn says as she picks up the phone.

"Marilyn, it's me Irene."

"Thank God you're alright. I was getting worried."

"You don't have to worry about me. Izzy's here with me. I can trust her. Turns out Amber was manipulating Izzy with money to work for her."

You go on and explain to Marilyn everything that happened. Your dream, Toby, Izzy, and Adam. After that you go on and tell her about how your parents died.

"Anyway." You say. "Have you found out any more information?"

"No, but I'm still searching."

"Alright, well I'll talk to you later then, I'll call you if I find out more."

"Okay Irene, I will too. Be safe, and be careful. I will talk to you soon."

"Okay bye Marilyn, and thanks for everything."

"Anytime sweetheart. Be safe. Bye."

You feel better now knowing that Marilyn knows what you know.

"What do we do now?" You say looking over at Izzy.

"I don't know, but let's get some sleep, then we can figure out what comes next in the morning."

"Okay." You follow Izzy upstairs and into the guest bedroom.

"Thanks so much Izzy, for everything you've done for me. How can I repay you?" You say.

"It's nothing, and no you don't have to repay me, its fine."

"If you say so! Goodnight Izzy."

"Night Irene."

Izzy leaves the room, walking down the hall into her bedroom. You lay in bed thinking about all the horrible things that has happened to you so far. You also think about the dream you had about your parents.

You fall asleep.

**

You Wake up in a sleeping bag, looking around you. It's dark. You figure you're asleep, but where.

You sit up looking around. You see two other people. Amber and some other girl you don't recognize. She has red hair, but it looks more orange. She has green eyes. Why are you in sleeping bags with Amber and this other girl?

Amber wakes up.

"Morning." She says.

You didn't reply. Then the other girl wakes up.

"Morning Amber, morning Irene."

"Morning Ivy." Amber says.

You still didn't say anything.

"What's wrong Irene?" Amber asks. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just get the feeling, that you don't like me. You've only been hanging out with Ivy for the past month, and I feel left out."

"She figured us out Amber. What do we do now?" Ivy asks.

"What are you guys talking about?" You say.

"You figured us out Irene. We are working for a person. We can't say who. You're our target, but you cannot tell anyone. Not even your best friend Izzy."

"Why would you tell me this?"

"Because." Ivy says. "We don't want it to go like this, but it has to, we are being forced into this. Plus you're our friend so of course were going to tell you."

You had a feeling they were lying, but trusted their friendship, thinking they are telling the truth.

**

You awaken from the dream confused about why Amber and this girl Ivy were your friends. Who the hell were they working for? Why would they tell you? Were you friends? You didn't trust the friendship. You think that Amber and Ivy want to work for this person. You couldn't tell Izzy, Marilyn, or anyone else about this until you figure this whole thing out.

You couldn't fall back to sleep because there was too much on your mind at this point.

You peak out of the blinds looking out the window. Outside Izzy's house you see the black car that was beside you on the highway when you were driving to Izzy's the first time you went there.

"Oh my God, you say to yourself. It can't be."

The lady getting out of the car had long blonde hair that goes the about the middle of her back. It's in a simple braid clipped with a lot of bobby pins. She's kind of tall, but not that tall.

You remember the dream you had a few nights ago, when your parents were murdered. It was the same girl. Maya.

You're now frightened. She knows where you are. She looks up directly at you with a slight smile. She gets back in the car, and drives away.

You know she's going to stick around, but you don't know why. You're starting to figure things out, and remember your past. You know everything is linked together somehow, and that's what you aim to figure out, before you tell anyone. You cannot even tell Marilyn or Izzy. This is war. It's between you and Maya, and no one else.

The next morning Izzy is already downstairs making eggs, bacon, and sausages for breakfast.

"Smells good." You say as you enter the kitchen.

"Thanks." She replies laughing.

"Can I help?"

"No I got it. How do you want your eggs cooked?"

"Scrambled please. Thanks!"

"Alright. Same. Did Toby treat you this nicely?"

"No not really, we were always arguing with each other and I just got really sick of it. That's a reason why I left. Also what you told me. I was really concerned, and didn't really trust Toby anymore. You're right, I don't remember him, I don't' have a memory right now."

"Hey, it's fine. Did you have any 'memory dreams' last night?"

"Very funny, but no." You lied you didn't want to tell Izzy about Amber, Ivy, and Maya just yet... You were going to wait until you had more information. You weren't going to tell Marilyn either.

You were worried that Izzy would find out you were lying, but you had to try and keep it a secret as best as possible.

You and Izzy hear a car horn outside. You look out the window to see the same black car as you saw last night. You saw Maya get out of the driver's seat, but who you saw getting out of the passenger seat is what got to you. Getting out of the passenger seat was Toby.

You were confused, but not surprised to see Toby getting out of the car with Maya.

Izzy comes up to you.

"What's going on Irene? You know something. I gave you answers, now it's your turn."

A/N Sorry this is a little short compared to other chapters!


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 5:06 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

So I'm going to have to agree with BlueAfrica that while I can enjoy straight-up dialogue that takes its focus not on the scene around the characters speaking, but the actual characters, there are strings of dialogue in this chapter that don't have enough balance to them. What I mean by this is that there's not even a lot of scenery to accompany the dialogue, so we have no idea what the characters are doing while speaking. They can't be doing nothing. Even though this is in second person, and especially because this is in second person this should take advantage of using actions throughout the flow of dialogue.

For example, someone might slightly tilt their head while asking a question. Someone might raise their arms in inquiry. Make your characters do something more often instead of just letting them be talking heads. That is the biggest flaw here with the dialogue, and it's not even directly with the dialogue: there's not enough of a balance in this chapter for this to be well-executed.

There are some scenes that remedy this and don't go on in strings, though this still feels quite broken up or fragmented which could be fixed with some descriptions of what the characters are doing. Is someone tapping their foot? Clicking a pen? What are they doing in that point in time? This helps the reader visualize the conversation that's going on, and it can be quite the simple task to complete.

Another something that you can do to balance this out is add more to the atmosphere or the description, because this can work well in stories in the second person. I want some more sensory details to accompany the rest of the work or descriptions to balance this out. That'd help in making this more even. Other than that, the ending is pretty nice! We end off at a nice spot to pick up on in the next chapter, so nice job on that.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 4:44 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

It's interesting that you chose a second-person viewpoint for this story. It's a tricky point of view to pull off, but if you do it right you can really put readers right into the story. I don't think I know enough about second-person to decide if I think you've done it well or not, but I wanted to mention it anyway. It's a really unusual viewpoint to choose.

So that was my first thought upon reading this. My second thought was: HOLY MOTHER OF DIALOGUE, BATMAN.

"Irene, I swear if you go back to Izzy's."

"Toby." You yell. "I cannot trust you anymore."

"What did she tell you Irene? At least tell me why you can't trust me."

"I just can't trust you. How do I even know you're my brother? How Am I supposed to trust you after what you did to Izzy."

"What did I do to Izzy? Come on Irene, give me details."

"You know what you did. You hurt her Toby. With a knife. That's not okay."

"What?"

"Izzy was right. You don't remember what you did, and you know, I hope you never do because what you did was wrong, especially to your girlfriend."

"For the record Irene, she's not even my girlfriend anymore."

"Well, she wants you back into her life, but I'm going to tell her not to trust you."

"Why?"

"Because you want to hurt her again."

"What do you mean again? I've never even hurt her before. She's probably telling you lies. Amber probably told...."

"Stop it Toby. Amber isn't involved in this anymore. It's Izzy, you and I. That's all it is now. Amber isn't part of this trust equation. Izzy's right. I can't trust you, and no one can."

"So you can trust her, but not me."

"Sorry Toby."


You have these long, long, long strings of dialogue that aren't broken up by narration or even very many dialogue tags. We never lose track of who's speaking, but it leaves the story feeling breathless, like it zoomed right by us. In the above example in particular, things can get a little repetitive as characters go on and on about the same points. In this case, "I can't trust you, Toby, I can only trust Izzy" and "why can't you trust me, darn it?"

Since the dialogue gets so repetitive, one thing you can do is cut out quite a bit of it. This particular conversation, for example, could probably be whittled down to basically this.

"Irene, I swear if you go back to Izzy's."

"I can't trust you anymore."

"What did she tell you, Irene?"

"You know what you did. You hurt her, Toby. With a knife."

"What?"

"Izzy was right. You don't remember what you did, and you know, I hope you never do because what you did was wrong, especially to your girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend anymore."

"Well, she wants you back into her life, but I'm going to tell her not to trust you."

"Why?"

"Because you want to hurt her again."

"What do you mean again? I've never hurt her. She's lying. Amber probably told...."

"Stop it, Toby. Amber isn't involved anymore. It's Izzy, you and I. That's all it is now. Amber isn't part of this trust equation. Izzy's right."

"So you can trust her, but not me."

"Sorry, Toby."


That takes out some of the repetition (not all of it, I just did a light edit using the words you wrote), so the next step would be to slow it down. I know the viewpoint is "you," i.e. the reader, but show us what we're supposed to be feeling here. What is the narrator thinking as Toby tries to convince her to trust him? Is there anything at all he could say to change her mind? Is she scared that he's going to hurt her and try to stop her from warning Izzy? Does she fumble with the keys? Have trouble starting the car? What kind of car is it?

You can slow this down and lengthen it out by giving us more description of what's going on and the setting the characters are interacting in, as well as giving us more of what the viewpoint character is thinking and feeling during this confrontation. You don't have to have narration between every line of dialogue, but you could definitely use more of it than what's there now. Think about how you wrote this scene.

After a while you arrive at Izzy's. You run up to the door, but this time you didn't try and hide who you were. Izzy saw you running to the door, and opened it. You ran inside and hugged her tightly.

"What's wrong?" Izzy asked.

"It's Toby. You were right, I cannot trust him. He threatened to come here and hurt you. He said he wanted to "straighten things out", and I think he wanted to hurt you. He doesn't think I can trust you and..."

You were cut off by Izzy.

"Calm down, it is okay. Nothing's going to happen. I promise."

You never called Marilyn in the car. You were too scared and worried about Izzy and Toby.

"I have to make a phone call Izzy." You say.


That's got a better balance between dialogue and narration. Try to carry that into your other scenes as well.

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dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the review and the tips!




I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara