As I was walking in fantasy land, I soon noticed that Katie was gone. I figured that if this was Fantasy land that she could be anywhere. Even with the evil witch. She was the most evil person in fantasy land and she would capture anyone or anything that knew about it. The only things or creatures she wouldn't capture were the creatures that had lived here before she figured out about the fantasy land. I wonder how she figured out about fantasy land anyway. Maybe I can ask her while I am looking for Katie. WAIT WHAT AM I THINKING!!! I CANT ASK HER ANYTHING I WILL DIE! Okay... Where do I go to get to her castle? I thought. I asked one of the unicorn creatures. They said to get on their back and they would take me to her. I said okay and got on the unicorns back.
***
I got to the castle and the unicorn left. I said thank you. She said to come get her anytime if I needed some help. I told that sounded good and walked towards the witch's castle. I was really that I was going to die. I wonder if I die in fantasy land if I will still become a star. I will figure that out later. I walked up to the draw bridge and ran the buzzer. The bridge came down. I walked inside. Once inside I saw Katie all locked up in the Torture room where she was about to get killed and maybe become a star. I had to free her. But what could I do? Katie told me upstairs in the office. Well the witch's office there were keys to her door. She told me to go get them. I didn't know that the witch was in her office, but I went upstairs anyway.
***
Once I got upstairs there was a lot of rooms, but only one of them DO NOT DISTURBE WITCH'S OFFICE. I knew this was her office. I walked inside. She wasn't there. So I thought anyway. I grabbed the keys and she locked me in the office with her magic. She said. "What are you doing little girl?" "I'm not a little girl I am a big girl and I need to save my friend." I pushed her aside and took her wand, I opened the door and saved Katie. I told her to run while I kicked this witch out of fantasy land. I asked her. "Why are you ruining people and fantasy land?" "I just wanted to live here." She said. "I wanted control over fantasy land." "Well this is my land now and I order you to get out. She did and she never returned again.
***
Katie and I left fantasy land for that day, and I was glad to be home.
End of chapter
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139,270 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
That was a very interesting chapter. I enjoyed reading about the witch and it had a lot of suspense. I noticed a few mistake, but one sentence didn't make sense:
"So I thought anyway."
I didn't understand the meaning of that sentence. Anyway, I have enjoyed reading this book and I want to keep reading it. This has been a good story and I have enjoyed reading all of your stories and poems.
Keep up the good work!
Love,
Jojoann1
Thank you. Jo
Hi dogs!
Okay~ so another review from me.
I'm going to split the review into 3 pieces, one for each paragraph.
Paragraph #1
"Land" should be caps.
This sentence alone has a few mistakes. First, Fantasy Land should be capitalized, and second, the part that says "the most evil person" just doesn't sound right. Re word it, maybe, and say this?: She was one of the most evil people in Fantasy Land. Or something like that.
Again, Fantasy Land is capitalized. Since it's the name of a place (in the case Mia named it that), it needs to be capitalized.
FL is capitalized.
If you have all caps like this in a story, it's best to include a simple phrase like "I yelled" or "I thought loudly to myself" or just something that explains that it's loud .
Unicorn's, not unicorns. It's possessive.
I wish there was more. What did the unicorn look like? Did it have smooth, silky white pelt or raggy, grey pelt? Us readers want to know!
Also, how did she lose Katie so easily? Or, make the part where she got lost not as brief. You said it in one sentence! Make it four!
Paragraph #2
To me, this just feels as if you're summarizing their conversation. Actually add some quotes around it!
Fantasy Land is caps. Again.
Rang , not ran. Just a typo
This paragraph was way to brief. It just whizzed past! Was Katie terrified? What noise did the shackles make? We're there crocodiles in the moat? What the draw bridge creepy to walk across? Add in the facts and details. Color is one thing. Get that down, first. Then you add in other adjectives that describe everything.
Also, vary your sentences. I feel almost every one of these started with "I" "she" "he" or "Katie".
Last thing, how can they be a star when no one knows them, except maybe the unicorn? They can't become famous just for being captured by the witch.
Paragraph #3
Add in "said" before "do". Also, disturb is spelled wrong
Comma after wand: make it a semi colon instead.
Fantasy Land: for the last time! It needs to be in caps.
Aftter I asked her: there should be a comma, not a period.
Fantasy Land: ..... Caps.......
Quotes after out.
Okay, so whaaaaa? Katie got lost, Mia went to save her, found the witch, stole her keys, and saved Katie. Now the witch is gone and Mia and Katie went of of Fantasy Land.
That was quick . In fact, that could've been in about four or five different chapters.
Last thing, you don't need the asterisks between paragraphs, only if it's separated a big chunk of time, which in this case it's not. Besides, we want to know information. Was the witch's office way up high, after a trudge up a long, swirly staircase? Or was there an elevator?
Recap:
- Fix the nitpicks
- Slow the pace down! It's way to fast!!
- Add much more detail an description. Refer to the information I put above to help you.
- No more asterisk. They aren't really nessacary.
I am soooo sorry if this sounded harsh! I hope it helped, though.
WillowPaw1~
PS - that was probably the longest review I've ever wrote. 0.0
Agh, never mind about the star thing! I was thinking of famous but then realized the star paragraph from the first chapter. Sorry 'bout that!
I have to say that the main thing that I noticed was that each sentence began with I. Don't gets wrong, I do this a lot as well, but it gets repetitive and boring. I also did notice that when a character spoke it was within the same paragraph. Remember each character gets their own paragraph because they want to feel important too. The dialogue was also a bit off, it wasn't as real and believable as it could have been. Other than that pu did a very good job, especially with your character development here.
For your information I did not start every sentence with I
I am sorry if that sounded harsh but I am just saying that not all of my sentences start with I. Also if you said you do it all the time then why are you critazizing me on it, if you do it yourself
Goodness, I was only trying to give pu some pointers. I was only trying to help and yes I admit I have the same problem but people on this website had told me close to the same thing. Again, I was only trying to help.
this is pretty good! teehee :3 I did notice a few mistakes though...
Spelling: nothing wrong here
Grammar: now this is the problem central. u need quotation marks around parts like this: 'I said thank you' u need quotation marks around ' thank u'
Suspence: not much but I can live without it
Rating: 5 stars and 10 out of ten.
good job! keep up the good work.
~puppys3117~
P.S. be sure to read Story Of My Life when I get it published