z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Unsafe~ Chapter 4

by dogsrule5


It is now night and you decided to take a little walk in the woods. You wouldn't go to far from your shelter. You know you really shouldn't be walking on you injured ankle, but whatever. You walk to the river, and dip your feet it. The water soothed your hurt ankle.

***Later***

You decided that you should probably be heading back to your shelter.

On your way home you two voices. They sound very familiar to you, and you know exactly who they are. Amber, and Isabella. You get closer so you can hear what they are saying.

"You have to Izzy, or I don't know what I'll do."

"Look, Amber" Izzy said looking worried. "I can't."

"What? Why?" Amber yelled.

"Because, Amber, he's my friend, I'm not going to kill him."

"I don't care if Toby is your friend or not. You going to do it, and your going to like it. Understand?"

"No, he's my best friend, for God's sake, he's my boyfriend."

"Again, I don't care. You have to kill Toby, before he helps Irene more."



Who's Toby. You wonder. They said he's trying to help me, so does that mean that he's the mystery person?

You were confused by who the hell Toby was.

Amber seemed really upset with Izzy. She wants Toby dead, and she clearly doesn't like you either.

When you were done being lost in thought you look back and Amber's gone.

You walk back to your shelter with a lot to think about. When you unlock the door you walk in and there sitting in the dark and alone was Amber... Your wondering how she got there before you.

"What the hell are you doing here?" You ask.

"Oh, Irene, it's good to see you too. Now I'm not here to hurt you so please sit, I just want to talk."

"You want somebody dead Amber, how can I trust you, and believe a word you say."

"Well, if you would let me explain."

"No, you want whoever Toby is dead."

"I want him dead because he's a criminal Irene, I don't want him dead for no reason."

"Yeah, not for no reason, but because he's helping me, and I don't understand why that is such a crime to you. Helping comes from the goodness of your heart, which is something you would never learn. It's just stupid, like you.

"Me, stupid. Your the one who decided it would be safe to build a home in the middle of the woods."

"So, I have rights, it's a free country you know. Oh wait... You probably don't know that."

"Look I just-"

You cut Amber off, as her voice lightens.

"Get out of my house, and if I ever see you here again, I will, and believe you don't know what I can do. You do not know what I am capable of. So I suggest you leave, before bad things happen to you."

Amber didn't seem afraid, but she just got up and left. She turned and said...

"No one can know about this conversation. Do you understand?"

"Last time I checked, I don't have anyone to tell. Because you stole my best friend, not that I care."

She stays silent, and leaves.

You were nervous about what Amber was capable of, especially when she's probably working on forming an alibi against you for whatever reason. Did you do something wrong? If so what could it have been? You were confused by this. Maybe she was just forming a team against you, but you weren't for sure. You didn't know what was happening, but all you knew, is that she's trying to kill whoever is helping you, and she's trying to turn your friends against you which she has, because your only friend was Isabella, but now... The dream has died...

You continue to think about this, as you lie in your shelter freaked out. You should move it, but you don't really know what to do about that problem, plus you have other things you need to be worrying about.

***

You were almost asleep, when you heard a sound outside. It sounded like someone was knocking on your door. You looked out your window, but no one seemed to be there. You walked outside and all you see is a piece of paper. You flip it over, and there was a note on it..

It read...

Don't let them take me, don't let me die... You need me, I'm your only hope.

Signed,

T

You figure that "T" must stand for Toby. Toby has to be this mystery person. You wonder if there are others helping to, but your clueless.

You feel the wind start to pick up, and the cool breeze blows on your face. It's getting cold. You think that, that must mean winter's coming, and it's coming on fast. You don't really have a coat, so I guess that means you should either go buy one with the money Toby or someone else sent you, or go steal one, but you figure that the smart thing to do would be to buy one. You shouldn't get yourself into more trouble, since you already have this crap going on with Amber.

You walk back into your shelter, afraid of what happens if you go into town to buy a coat tomorrow. What happens if Izzy, or even Amber shows up, but what happens if you meet Toby... You won't know until tomorrow. You will be ready for anything. You were born ready to take this fight...

A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short, compared to some other ones, but I have a great idea for the next one, so keep a lookout for the next chapter... Thanks, and I hope you are enjoying the story! :P


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120 Reviews


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Sun Jul 31, 2016 3:11 pm
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RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello, Ripple here!

Disclaimer: I haven't read the first three chapters yet, so pardon my ignorance of the whole plot.

One of the most obvious things to point out is your use of the rare second person point of view. This is very difficult to truly pull off, but I think that you did a fairly good job of it. It might take a bit more work, but overall it reads cleanly.

It is now night and you decided to take a little walk in the woods. You wouldn't go to far from your shelter. You know you really shouldn't be walking on you injured ankle, but whatever. You walk to the river, and dip your feet it. The water soothed your hurt ankle.

To be honest, the first impression I got when reading this is that it feels like I'm either in a video game, or I am a robot. One of the two. I've never really felt that when reading something, so kudos to you for doing that. :D
Who's Toby. You wonder. They said he's trying to help me, so does that mean that he's the mystery person?

The use of "me" is really confusing here. I would suggest that you consistently use "you" to refer to Irene.
"You want somebody dead Amber, how can I trust you, and believe a word you say."

The incorrect punctuation, in a way, conveys an utter lack of emotion. (Maybe I was right about being a robot...) If this is intentional, it totally works with the overall tone. If not, you may want it to be less robotic.
You were almost asleep, when you heard a sound outside. It sounded like someone was knocking on your door. You looked out your window, but no one seemed to be there. You walked outside and all you see is a piece of paper. You flip it over, and there was a note on it..

You accidentally switch to the past tense here. Try to stay consistent.
You walk back into your shelter, afraid of what happens if you go into town to buy a coat tomorrow. What happens if Izzy, or even Amber shows up, but what happens if you meet Toby... You won't know until tomorrow. You will be ready for anything. You were born ready to take this fight...

I don't know what the narrator is, but it adds a bit of mystery to this whole piece, which I rather like.

Overall, it was a fairly unique read. Keep writing!




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks, glad you like it! If you want to continue, I suggest you read the first three chapters, so you understand a little more of the story if you want to continue it! Whatever is fine with me though!



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Sun Jul 31, 2016 10:03 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi dogs I'm here to give your chapter like you asked me to sorry it took so long.

Okay I just have one thing that I want you to fix.

Okay your chapter is really good. But I think you need to do more description is some parts of your chapter. But don't get me wrong your chapter is really good and I'm looking for word to your next chapter. I hope you will let me no when it is posted on the site.

I'm sorry this review is so short but your description is the only thing you need to fix. :D you really are getting better at writing. Oh and with every chapter I get to no more about every character.

So I hope you have a great day/night. From your friend Tsunami. Oh and happy review day. :D




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the review, and I will be sure to let you know when chapter 5 is here!





thank you so much, and again I'm so sorry this review took so long. but I will review your next chapter and a lot quicker to. I hope you have a great day/night.



dogsrule5 says...


No no, it's totally fine! No worries. Speaking of that I have to review chapter two of your story! Will you please re-send me the link.





Sure here is the link and you don't have to review it if you don't want to but here is the link anyway. Search For Peace Book 1 ~ The Great Separation Chapter 1 I hope you like it. :D



dogsrule5 says...


Okay thanks!







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