You awoke from another dreamless sleep. You awake to something unusual. Your phone went off. You get a chance to charge your phone when you go to Starbucks and just sit there then you get your latte and leave, without paying. You go to a different Starbucks every time you go, if there is someone there you recognize you leave, and occasionally go to gas stations around the city/town.
Your phone charges really fast, but you never awake to your phone going off, because you have no friends to text you. You think about the people you know. The text was from some girl named Isabella. You don't remember an Isabella. Maybe she's the mystery person, or maybe she was an old friend. You don't know.
Who is Isabella you wonder as you walk to the store. You walk into the store where you get your food. You see Amber again. They look the same. The one at Starbucks and Kroger. Oh my gosh, you think to yourself. Could this be the person who's like stalking me or something. You walk past silently, and you notice her staring at you as you pass.
Amber is now staring at you, and you're confused on why. You start walking faster, then go into a quick jog. You run to the food department. She might recognize you from the news. Your thinking that this could be the case. What the heck. She can't be the one. Your thinking Isabella. You start again to think about the text Isabella sent you this morning. She could mean so many things.
Hey, Irene, it's Izzy. Remember me from school? I was just wondering if you were alright, because I know you ran away from the hospital, and now don't know where you are. If you get this text please reply. Thanks,
Izzy- (Isabella)
You walk back from the store once again setting the alarm off, and watching police run in and trying to catch the thief. Once again you were already in the woods watching, while grinning. This time the police run into the woods, but you stay hidden in the tress until they leave.
They are so dumb, you think to yourself. They don't even bother to look in the trees very well. You start walking through the woods and to your shelter.
***
Then all of a sudden you hear running and it's coming from behind you. You look back, but see no-one. Could it be the cops coming once again? You see red hair. That's the color hair Amber has. You know it must be her. You run into your little shelter, close the door, and lock it. You close the window and light a lantern you stole for lighting. Your scared she will shoot down the door. You figure by now that Amber knows who you are, but you still don't know her. She's not in your shelter, but what if she gets in. The lock to your shelter is handcrafted, so it's not the best thing ever. You have a little key for the lock too.
Someone knocks on your door.
"Hello." The voice calls. She sounds serious. "This is Amber, and I want you to come out now. I know your in there little girl and you can't stay there forever."
You stay silent, hoping she won't break down the door. She tries to punch and kick the door open. It put a couple or cracks in the door, but nothing major. Maybe your lock was stronger than you thought it was. She eventually leaves. The cops are with her because you hear other voices calling out.
"Where is she, officer Bob" and other things like, "Find her, arrest her, she's been doing this for years now."
Amber doesn't tell the cops where you are. You have no clue why, but you know there's a reason.
Then all is silent, you think their gone, but just to be on the safe side, you stay in your little shelter. You lie down, and think about everything that's been going on, and what might happen in the future.
***
Later that evening you decided to make yourself a little snack and you lay down and try to fall asleep. But not matter how hard you try you cannot sleep. You know you can't sleep because you have too much on your mind.
You finally doze off, but this night was different. It was not dreamless. You had a dream, but you didn't know if it meant something or not. There was a girl there, with you. She never said her name in the dream. She had long brown hair that goes past her butt and about to her waist. She was almost as tall as you, but she had sent you a text in the dream. It was the same text you had received from Isabella that morning. You think the girl in the dream was Isabella. She said to you that, "We will be friends forever, no matter what.", The dream didn't tell you who Isabella was, but now you're even more eager to find out.
***
The next morning you can't get that dream out of your head.
You put on a different coat then you've been wearing lately, so people wont know who you are. Even though they will probably figure it out.You grab your phone charger and head to Starbucks. This time you go to the one that's on the other side of the town. There you find an out-lit that's not being used and plug in your phone. After your phone has charged to at least 70% you get a latte and quickly run. You had stolen another one. Luckily Amber wasn't there to creep you out this time. You go back to your shelter and enjoy your latte. But while in the process of drinking it, you hear something funny outside. You look out the window and see nothing. What you heard sounded like whistling, but you didn't know. You didn't see anyone or anything outside. You assumed it was just an animal or some sort.
Then you hear a voice. It wasn't Amber's or anyone familiar. No one was outside, but you still heard voices. You couldn't quite hear what they were saying, but then you heard the whistling again.
What the heck, you wonder. Who could that be? You couldn't make out weather it was a male or female. They were too far away.
You started to think about the people you know and don't know. The only people you know is Amber. You start to think about Isabella again. What if it's her? Then you see a person. You watch her as she looks up at your shelter, but doesn't see you inside. She looks like Isabella from your dream you had the night before. You wonder if it could be her, but don't know for sure. Who is that, you think as you watch her walk to your shelter. You look away for one second to grab a quick drink, and when you look back the mysterious girl is gone.You wonder where she could have gone.
Then you hear a knock at your door.
Not again, you think.
"Hello?" The girl called. She sounded shy.
You weren't sure weather or not to respond, but you do. You aren't sure if that was a good idea, but you wanted to be nice.
"Hello." You say to the girl. You open the door, but only until it's cracked. It looks exactly like Izzy from your dream.
"Can I come in?" She asks. "I won't hurt you."
Your not sure if you can trust this girl or not, but you should try. She may be your only hope.
"I guess." You say, as you open the door so she can come in.
"Irene?" She says. "Irene! Remember me, it's me Isabella."
"Huh?" You say confused.
This girl was Isabella, and she knows you.
"We were old friends remember. I can't believe I found you, I'm so glad your okay."
"I'm sorry, but I don't know you. I don't know anybody by the name of Isabella."
"Sure you do." She reply's suddenly.
"No, I'm pretty sure I don't."
"School." She says quietly. "I was you best friend at school."
"I don't remember school either. I'm sorry."
"Oh, okay then. Well maybe you will some other time. I texted you and didn't get a reply. I'll leave now."
Without letting you get a chance to reply she was gone and out the door.
You feel bad for letting her down, but you really don't know her. Then out of the blue, you remember something. It's a memory. You remember something like Isabella and you playing together in her backyard. Or yours, you don't know who's house you were at. It helps you remember your old friend. Your starting to remember what you used to do as kids, and how close of friends you were.
"Izzy wait." You call from the window, but she was already gone.
You have to find her, no matter what the risk. You have to tell her you remember her.
***
Before you go to sleep that night, you make another list of the things you know.
1: My name's Irene.
2: You have a secret helper mystery person.
3: You have an old friend named Isabella.
4: Police want to arrest you.
5: Amber hates you.
6: You're a criminal
7: Your parents are dead.
That's it. You think about all those thing, but with the list in your hand you fall asleep thinking about finding Isabella the next day.
End of chapter
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Hi! Happy review day, my friend! I hope this is helpful:
I really like the style of this work. The way you regard the reader as the character in the story (you, you're, your, etc.) was super intriguing and interesting! It's a style that isn't often used because it can be risky; sometimes the character in the book's actions/feelings/personality might not match up with how the reader would act/feel/be. But I feel that in this work you did a great job with this style and were able to make your piece unique. Great job!
I found only one slip-up with the consistency of the point-of-view.
I think you meant "Your name's Irene," because that would be what fits with the rest of the work. Unless, of course, you meant this as a thought inside of the character's head (I don't know how well that would work, actually), in which case the rest of the "list of the things you know" shouldn't use "you" like it does. Just a small inconsistency; easily fixed!
There were a few typos/grammatical errors/spelling errors that I noticed. Just a couple accidental mistakes, nothing serious! In some cases there was a missing letter, such as in the ending paragraph:
You left out the s, but don't worry! I do things like that all the time too.
Another example of a mistake like this is here:
Your* But I believe those were probably just typing errors and nothing to worry about! Proof-reading your work should help get rid of all those minor mishaps
Some of your sentences were also run-ons, but that's an easy mistake to make and an easy mistake to fix! Sometimes all it takes is adding a comma or two, or maybe a semicolon. Sometimes you might have to change the order of your sentence a bit. No matter what you have to do, it's usually pretty simple!
I recommend rewriting it like this: "but with the list in your hand, you fall asleep, still thinking about finding Isabella the next day." Or, if you'd like to step it up a bit and make it even nicer, you could try something along the lines of, "but you doze off, still clutching the list in your hand and the thoughts of finding Isabella tomorrow in your mind." That's a bit more complicated... There are millions of ways to make that statement, so experiment a bit and you could find something you really like!
Other than a few small typing errors that are easily fixed, this piece was wonderful! I can't wait to continue on in this series and to find out what happens! I hope this review was helpful, and as always, keep up the great writing!!
~Em101cats
Thanks!
~Dogs
No problem!
Hi my name is Tsunami and I am here to give you a great review like I said. Oh and if I say anything that is rood in this review please tell me because I don’t mean to be rood at all.
I like the characters to so fare. I like they have different personalities. I know if all of your characters had the same personality's people will just think the story is lame and boring. So I think you are doing a great job with your story so fare.
So that is all good so fare.
Okay let’s get started with what I like about the chapter.
I like the name of the story I think so fare it soots what I have read so great choices of name.
Okay I am now going to start the review.
Okay I think some where around here you should describe the surroundings and the smell and feelings. I think you need more of that in your story. Like over here.
This is a really good paragraph.
So that is all.
Oh and happy review day from your new friend Tsunami.
Hi, it's me again. ^.^ Glad to see a new chapter up.
Okay...funny question, but have you knitted before? I'm asking this because when knitting sometimes you make mistakes, like slipping a stitch for example. When you make too many of those mistakes the best thing to do is to go ahead and pull it all apart, right back down to that first mistake, and start over. That is what I'm about to encourage you to do.
Why? Simply put, your story has become unbelievable. Since it is based in the "real world" or a least a real-ish world you need to make your characters interactions with other characters believable. They have to be "real", not just manikins.
Now, I don't want to discourage you. You are a good writer, and this is a story worth telling.
You just need to remember,
Real people have eyes, they watch, they learn, they think. Real starbucks workers would not make coffee for the same crook two times, much less three.
It's not realistic, and a blunder like that will chase readers away quicker than cockroaches under a flood light. What would be realistic is if she stole from different places.
For example, Gas stations sell coffee. You are allowed to fill a cup and make your own before paying. So, if your character was to steal coffee from gas stations and never from the same station, it would be a little more believable, but she would eventually run out of places to rob.
Again,
Real employees get real smart, really fast.
A real Amber would have asked those cops to knock down the door,
and real cops would have definitely busted that door down.
Also, the conversation between Irene and Izzy is confusing me a bit. Why is Irene acting like she doesn't known anything about Izzy when she has been talking about her and thinking about her this whole chapter?
Again, realism. You need to role up your sleeves and really think about how real people think and act. It is essential to good story telling.
My advice? Start over with this chapter. Don't erase it. Just re-write it, paragraph by paragraph. What will you find? Irene doesn't get that latte unless she gets real smart about how she gets it. Those cops bust down that door, and Irene is going to need an escape route, a realistic one. Your story will become much more interesting if your character's struggles feel real.
Don't give up! You have great potential, but all the lapses in reality feel a little lazy. You're better than that!
OH, I highly encourage you to read, Runaway by Wendelin Van Draanen. The character in Runaway is often in very similar situations as your character, and it should help you understand what the reality often is in these kinds of situations. Trust me, even if you weren't writing this story, it would still be a great read. ^.^
BUT, I need to end this on a high note.
I love the way this chapter ends with the "List" getting a little longer. It's great and I wouldn't touch that part with your pinky finger. ^.^
Thanks for the review.
No prob.
Alright, I didn't completely remake the entire chapter, but I did do tons of editing. Tell me what you think now, if you would like to re-read it again that is.
Still a little rough, but much much better. ^.^ Keep it up!
Thanks so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to review, and help me a lot with this story.