Chapter 14
A few years later Amber graduated high school. She was so happy, it was the best day of her life. After that she decided to follow her mother's footsteps, and go to "The Battle" of 2015. She sat down to talk to her parents about it.
"Amber, your father and I wanted to talk to you about colleges. We know you want to go to Ohio State, but we found some others. H\ere are-"
"Mom. I changed my mind about college." Amber replied.
"You what?" Stacy said.
"I want to go to war."
"Amber, darling it's to dangerous."
"Mom, I can handle it." Amber yelled. "I'm not a child anymore, I'm going, and that's final."
"Amber." Mike yelled.
"Dad stop it, your too protective."
Amber ran upstairs, and started packing. She had already signed up for doing it for, four years. She packed soap, shampoo, and all of her personal items that she would need.
Amber knew that her parents wouldn't just let her go, so when her parents went to bed, she went out of the house and left for war. She left her parents a note saying...
Dear Mom and Dad,
I love you, you were the best parents ever, and I want to be like you. Brave. So I decided to go off to the war, if I don't make it out alive then I'm sorry. I have to go. I love you more than anyone I have ever loved. Tell Emily I love her too. Take good care of summer for me. You the best and I love you guys forever.
Love, Yours Truly,
Amber.
Chapter 15
"Amber?" Stacy called from upstairs. "Where are you?"
Stacy walked into Amber's room and she was gone.
"Mike, Mike, wake up." Stacy said.
"What is it honey?" Mike asked.
"It's Amber. She's gone."
"What?!" Mike screamed. "She probably went to war."
"Yes. We have to go after her."
"Stacy. Do you really think that's the best idea? I mean don't you think we should let her try?"
"No."
Stacy got dressed and ran into the kitchen, where she found the note.
"Mike? Come down here right now. It's an emergency?"
"What is it this time?"
Mike came downstairs, and Stacy showed him the note.
"Oh my gosh?" Mike said.
"She's gone." Stacy replied starting to cry.
"Don't cry. It's all going to be alright Stacy. I promise."
Meanwhile...
Amber finally made it to the battle field.
"You must be Amber?" The chief said.
"Yes." Amber replied. "I'm Stacy, and Mike's daughter."
"Of course you are."
The chief was still there from when Stacy and Mike were. He may be getting older, but he's still alive and well.
Amber trained and trained and after 2 years of great training she was finally able to be put in the battle.
Amber was nervous, more than nervous, she was frightened.
What do my parents think of me now? Have they looked for me yet? What will they think if I die? Are they mad at me? What if I do die? I can't do this. But I put myself into this mess. I thought I was brave, but maybe I'm not, maybe I'm still a little girl. Is that why my parents didn't want me to come here? Or is it because they think it's too dangerous? I don't know, but I can't do anything about it now. Oh no... I think I might die.
While Amber was lost in thought a bomb was being targeted on her. A man on her team who was her age saved her.
Amber scream when she got pushed out of the way. Then the bomb came crashing down where Amber was standing a minute ago.
"Thanks. Thanks so much. You saved me. How can I repay you?"
"You don't have to. It was nothing. That's what teams do though right?"
"Right." Amber said smiling. "I'm Amber."
"Cool. I'm Josh Grant."
"Nice to meet you Josh."
"You too."
"We better get back to our stations."
"Your right. See you around Amber."
"Bye."
She watched Josh run back to his station.
I think I'm in love. Maybe this wasn't a mistake.
A/N: I know these are a short to chapters, but I feel as if this is a good place to end. Sorry I haven't gotten these chapters out sooner, I have just been super busy this summer. Anyway more chapters soon.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
Hey, Dogsrule! Adrian here for a review, as requested!
So I'm just going to dive straight into the nitpicks and critique.
While there are tens of wars going on at any point in time, I don't think any of them are simply called "the Battle". Because that is a very generic name and hard to follow social media. Perhaps state the name of the country in the war's title? Or give it some big, threatening title. There is the Cold War, which was basically a tense relationship between the USA (and its allies) and the USSR (and its allies). Millions of people were lost in that war, and billions of dollars too. Then we have World War I and World War II, which are referenced a lot. (World War I was simply referred to as the Great War or the First World War, which makes it seem pretty important. And it was very important.) There's normally something in the name makes it easy to tell apart from all the other wars. Besides, there are multiple 'battles' and wars going on at any point in time, there isn't a set 'battle' for 2015.
I can just feel the emotion in Amber's voice, so strong and raw -- actually, not really. This is where dialogue tags would be very important, to move the reader. The simple "Amber yelled" doesn't really communicate much there. It's like a ghost of what it could be. Description could be added in of the disgust in her voice, about being treated like a child. Anger and spittle flying from her mouth as she stands up. But there's just... not much there. It's like being thrown the bones of the chicken when promised a full meal. Unfulfilling and unrewarding.
That period there doesn't really work. It just cuts it out and interrupts the flow. Perhaps: "Amber!" Mike yelled. This can also be applied to above when Amber is shouting and only a period is used.
So, in chat I said something about how I felt the plot was rushed. And I'm going to add to that more here. Each and every chapter has a very important point that should probably be focused on or dealt with in depth. But instead it's all glossed over in the attempt to move on to the next big thing. While short chapters aren't a problem, the quality needs to actually meansomething. Adding more description and emotion to it is key if you want the readers to connect with the characters and the events that are taking place. Just a little adjective here and there could make a huge difference.
Given the fact that I am not close to anyone in the U.S. military, I can't double check this -- so take this next paragraph with a grain of salt. However, I believe there is a lot more professionalism in the military. More 'sir's and 'soldier's and fewer conversations on a first name basis with someone a higher rank than you. Though, you may want to research this topic a bit more. Ask around and see if there's anyone in your family with a military background, or ask around in your community. Perhaps there are some books in the library about it.
I am excited for the next romance, though. Another goal, another war! Josh and Amber's romance will probably be sweet and sort of reminiscent of her parents' romance. I am looking forward to the next chapter. Tell me when you update next.
~Adri
Hello!^^ (Sorry for any errors, I'm doing this on my phone >.>)
So, the chapters are a bit short, that's true, but I think what could be done is if you just combine them. They're pretty much continued - there's no need to break them apart. And, since they are short, it does make them quite a bit longer.
There are a few grammar errors, mostly just small things like "your" instead of "you're". It can still throw someone off, though, so be sure you come back sometime and edit.
I feel like this was too vague, too brief. The scene where a bomb was targeted at her was short and could've used a lot more.... well, words. Amber's emotions - her heart pounding as she saw the bomb, what the impact felt like, etc. and this doesn't just go for this scene but all the others too. Her parent's emotions were too bland, too dull. If my daughter ran off to join war, I would freak. No, wait. I would... just get really mad.
Also, be sure to do your research. You don't want to go on about a novel that's about war and battles if you have no idea how they work. Just be sure you're not just stepping out in the blue and typing away. Research is key, especially in novels like these.
Character developement: not much of Amber and Josh's character are revealed in this chapter. Gosh, Josh (rhyme, teehee) just saved her LIFE and we still don't know much about him, despite the fact that he's good with a team. Just know that character developement could be worked on.
However, I really like this idea; it's different, way different from a lot of novels (I've read a lot, lol) I've read, which is nice. Refreshing topics are always good. No cliches. *shudders* Cliches are the worst.
Anyways, I hope I helped! I'm sorry if I came off as rather harsh, but you are doing an excellent job! Keep up the good work,
~ EternalRain
Thanks. You've been a great help to me over the years and now too! I really enjoy having and talking to you on this site! I will chat with you soon. Bye.
-XoXo- Dogs
You're welcome! ^-^ I enjoy talking to you too ! :p
Cool beans!!!!! Lawl!
"Amber, darling it's to dangerous." .... ought to be "... too dangerous"
"Dad stop it, your too protective." .... ought to be "... your're too..."
You did not use punctuation marks properly.
"You the best and I love you guys forever." ... ought to be "You are ..."
I recognize and honor your creativity despite few observations i have made. Your characters have life and communication. That is one important trait every character in every fiction writing must have.
You are doing a great job. My little advice; put in more time editing your work and keep value in it.
All the best - to your novel and success
Thanks for the review. This will really help me for this work and possibly later works.
You are welcome anytime
Cool. Do you have any books that you are writing at the moment. 'Cause I'd love to read them.
Cool. Do you have any books that you are writing at the moment. 'Cause I'd love to read them.
Cool. Do you have any books that you are writing at the moment. 'Cause I'd love to read them.
Yes though its non fiction
What's it called?