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Unsafe ~ Chapter 7

by dogsrule5


You're still in the car on your way to Izzy's. She lives farther than you thought. You've been driving for about three hours. The directions on your phone say you have one and a half hours left to go. You're low on car gas, so you stop at a gas station. You fill up Toby's car then go inside to grab a quick snack. When you're done, you get back on the road. You're on a highway now, and for it being dark, there's surprisingly a lot of cars on the road. What worried you was that you were beside an all black car, and it looked like the person in the back seat kept staring at you. You could only see them out of the corner or your eye, but you were freaked out.

You finally arrive on the road Izzy's lives off of. You turn right, then a left, then you're there. You drive straight for about three more seconds... You park your car and turn off the lights. It's six in the morning now. You're tired, but know right after you're done with Izzy... You leave.

You open the car door then close it as quiet as possible, which wasn't that quiet. You see Izzy look out the window you put on your hood, so she won't know who you are at first. You slowly walk up to her porch. You ring the doorbell. Izzy answers.

You rush inside and lock the door so there's no escape for Izzy. You pull out your pocket knife, and pin her against the wall, with the knife at her throat.

"I want answers and I want them now." You say. "Why is Amber targeting me?"

"I don't know, she didn't tell me that."

You pull the knife closer. "Then why are you helping her?"

"I was forced. She offered to pay me a fortune to just stalk you all the time. She paid me to find you to make friends with you. I ran away because I felt bad. It went to far. I'm sorry. I got the money and ran. I did my job, but I wasn't aware she would hurt you or Toby. How's Toby?"

"He's fine." You say. "Now, one last time I will ask you... Why is Amber targeting me?"

"Honest... I don't know." She says. "All I know is that you're a target."

"Izzy. What do you mean you don't know?"

"I don't know. That's what I mean. Look, stop pinning me, alright. I'm telling the truth. I didn't want to hurt you or Toby. When Amber asked me to kill Toby, was when I knew something was up. I told her I would do it, then she was stupid and gave me the money. I didn't shoot Toby. I had ran away before that. Amber decided she didn't come to get the money back, and she realized that if she wanted something done, she was going to have to do it herself, because I wasn't go to help her kill my boyfriend."

"Look, Toby says he wants to break up with you."

"What why?"

"Because, he thinks you're helping Amber. I told him, because that's what I thought. I'm sorry."

"You... Monster. Look I know he's your brother, but he needs me, and I need him. You have to tell me what I told you."

"I will, I promise, but I need to get back first. Hopefully before Toby notices I'm gone."

"He's going to notice. He's an early riser."

"Yeah, I figured that out."

"Why do you even live with him? He's my boyfriend anyway."

"Oh, have you already forgotten. He's my brother remember."

"Yes, but still. You have no memory of who he is. How do you know he's telling the truth?"

"What do you mean? I can trust my own brother."

"Are you sure. Toby's done some really bad things in his life."

"What are you talking about?"

"If you hadn't lost your memory you would know."

"Izzy, what's going on with Toby."

"Look, I'm not sure if you guys are related, that has nothing to do with me. But here's the reason that you shouldn't trust him. So when about a year ago when you guys were sixteen, he started drinking and doing drugs. I tried to get him to stop... But..."

"Izzy... But what?"

"He hurt me. He got a knife from the kitchen. It was just a small butter knife and cut my neck. He was drunk, doing drugs at the same time. I still have the scar."

Izzy pulls back her hair," and you see the scar.

"Gosh... Does he still do that?"

"I don't know. That's why I kind of stopped hanging out with him. I grew afraid of him, that he may become a murderer or something. Toby doesn't remember that, because I called the police. After that... I don't know what happened to Toby."

"He doesn't seem to act like that though."

"Well, I don't know after that incident, but I don't think you can trust him. Sorry Irene."

"Izzy, there's something I've been meaning to ask you."

"Ask away."

"Are we still friends?"

"But of course. Look I just did that thing for Amber because-"

"I know you already explained."

"And... You believe me?"

"Of course. Izzy I'm starting to remember things, and you were the only real friend I've ever had."

"Thanks Irene. That means a lot."

You hug Izzy and apologize for pinning her against the wall, with a knife. You know understand why her and Toby don't hang out, and why she's a bit scared of knifes.

You grab your bag from the table and grab the car keys. You say goodbye to Izzy and walk out the door. You're on your way home back to Toby's.

***

When you walk into Toby's house, he's standing right there at the doorway.

"Where the hell were you Irene? You could've gotten hurt!"

"Yes, I know. But I didn't. I just went out alright."

"Marilyn found Izzy didn't she. You went alone. You knew I wanted to talk to her."

"I know, but I needed answers first. Izzy had some, but not all. Anyway that's not the point. Izzy isn't working for Amber."

"Yeah.. Then what was she doing?"

You explain exactly what Izzy told you about the whole Amber things, with the money, and her running away.

"Why would you believe her lies?" Toby asked. "You know she's lying."

"No she's not. She showed me the money. Plus if she was lying you'd me dead."

"I almost was thanks to her."

"No that was Amber, not Izzy."

"But what about their conversation."

"It doesn't matter. It's all a big lie. Izzy never wanted to hurt us. She just wanted the money. She didn't know Amber wanted to kill us. That's what Amber does. She manipulates people to help her, then bad things happen to that person. Izzy figured that out and left Amber."

"Yeah right." Toby replies sarcastically.

You sigh and walk up to your room. You're done trying to convince Toby that Izzy's not bad. He won't believe you. He would never believe you unless he heard the truth from someone he would really trust. You know that Toby doesn't trust you. Or that's most likely.

***

You were eating dinner at the kitchen table. Toby was there, as were two other people who seemed familiar, but you didn't know who they were.

There's a knock on the door. It's a girl. You didn't recognize her, in fact you've never seen her before. She seems suspicious. She has long blonde hair that goes to the middle of her back. It's in a simple braid clipped with tons of bobby pins. She's fairly all, but not short. She has perfect white bright teeth that sparkle in the light. She has light blue eyes. She's beautiful. The adults in the room a man and a woman (not Toby) seem to know this girl. They say her name is Maya. She comes and sits down at the table. Toby and you were excused once Maya sat down. The two of you go upstairs. You walk up to the top of the stairs. Toby goes into his room. You wait at the top of the stairs watching what happens. Maya pulls out a gun. They shoot the man and women. You run downstairs to them. Where she shoots you. Toby calls the police, and you were taken to the hospital.

***

You wake up from the nightmare gasping and breathing fast. You figure the man and women were your parents. The hospital you went to should be the one you escaped from. All you need is that memory. It's midnight. You will call Marilyn in the morning to tell her about Adam, Izzy, and this dream about your parents.

Once you talk to Marilyn she should have enough information to try and figure more things out. Maybe even why you escaped from that hospital, but most likely not.

You will call Marilyn in the morning. In the meantime you stay up, because you can't seem to fall back to sleep after just finding out how your parents died...


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Sat Apr 15, 2017 1:45 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! I'm here to bring this out of the green room for you! I love dramatic novels, so let's get started :D

You definitely brought the drama with this chapter! Second person is tough to pull off well in novels, and when it's done well it usually really works for me. I think it adds a level of suspense to this novel that works. I also really liked that you took your time with the beginning and showed lots of little details and things that led up to the big moment when Irene confronts Izzy. I thought it built the suspense nicely.

I had two qualms with this chapter.

1. The dialogue.
Dialogue is tricky. The dialogue itself is fine and I thought you did a nice job using that to move the plot forward. I thought it started to sound like talking heads. Talking heads happens when there's dialogue but nothing else, it's just two heads talking in space and we're not really sure who is talking or what else is happening while they're talking :)

Luckily, since the dialogue itself is fine, the talking heads part isn't too tough to fix! The basic idea is that you want to include action and description and thoughts throughout the dialogue. (and now when I say action I don't mean explosions and fights and other dramatic things. it can be simple like a gesture or shifting weight or cracking knuckles). This is an awesome article in the knowledge base about talking heads and getting rid of them.

2. The ending.
To me, it came up too fast. You had some nice scenes developing this thing between Izzy and Irene and then Toby. And then bam it's later and bam there's this suspicious girl at the door (why did they let her in if she seemed suspicious??) and then bam Irene gets shot and then bam she wakes up in the hospital. I get that you're trying to add drama and suspense, but to me it felt very out of the blue and I was super confused about what's going on.

So you have a couple of options. You could leave this chapter with the two conversations - Izzy and Irene and Irene and Toby and save the shooting for the next chapter. Or, if you really want to include it in this chapter, that's fine, but I would slow it down and show a lot more. The way you've slowed down other moments in this chapter, I want the same thing here. I want to understand why they let her in if they thought she was suspicious. I also want more thoughts and more feelings throughout the entire encounter so it feels more realistic and less like this happened, then this happened, and then this happened.

That's all I have for now! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything I said was confusing or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't already mention! Intriguing story so far :D




dogsrule5 says...


Hey thanks for the review! First off I would love to say that I'm glad you liked the chapter, and there will be many more to come.

It's a little bit hard to understand my story when you begin reading from chapter 7 because you don't know details that you would learn in the other chapter (1-6). Irene the main character lost her memory and is slowing getting it back when dreams. When they let that lady in their house and two other people and Irene get shot, that was supposed to be her dreaming, when she fell asleep that night.

After that it read "you wake from the nightmare."

I'm not trying to be rude, but I just want to clear some things up. If you'd like to read the other chapters, I'd be happy to send you any links you'd like, or you can look above of course, to see other books I've written, and the other chapters of this one.

I hope I managed to have you understand some of the story, but it's a little hard to explain when you don't exactly start reading from chapter one. The chapters are a continuation off of the chapter before, because I like to end these on cliffhangers sometime, so it can be very hard to understand without starting at the first chapter.

Sorry if I sound rude I'm honestly not trying to be, I'm just trying to help you understand.

I hope I cleared some things up.

Glad you review my story!
Have a wonderful day!

~Dogs



Carlito says...


No that make sense. I kind of wondered after you ended with her waking up from a dream, so it makes sense that those previous scenes are flashbacks. I still think you could add a little more to that final part when the shooting happens, unless you've already shown that scene happening in a previous chapter. Like if the reader sees that all go down and it's super detailed in everything in chapter 1 then it would be excessive to do that all again obviously.

But you didn't sound rude at all! :) It's tough to read chapters in isolation, so I try to look at them as parts of a greater whole, but I know I'm always missing things. But it sounds like you have a cool concept here! I have a super long list to get caught up on (x_x) :p but maybe I'll come back and read the beginning at some point! :D



dogsrule5 says...


Okay glad we cleared some things up!
Again thanks for the review, and I'm glad you did like the chapter!
Hopefully you can come back and read it sometime, if not that's alright though!

Thanks again!

~Dogs



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Tue Mar 07, 2017 11:53 am
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TinyMochi says...



Great job dogs!!!!!




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks Chibi!



TinyMochi says...


:D



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Mon Mar 06, 2017 5:49 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey dogs!

Awesome chapter - we found out about a lot and Irene and Izzy are friends again.

Irene seems to become friends with Izzy very quickly, and I understand that Izzy explained some things and why she was working with Amber, but it still seemed a bit unrealistic. Maybe showing some hesitancy in Irene about believing her/"becoming" her friend again. It can still lead to the same outcome -- becoming friends again -- but just in a more realistic way.

Also, I think adding some dialogue tags to lots of the dialogue would make it a lot less confusing. There are areas where there's tons of dialogue, and when there is it's helpful if it's broken up into segments or it's sorted with dialogue tags. This is just to clear confusion with the reader and makes it sooo much easier to read.

I'm really curious about Maya. Her descriptions were awesome and I loved the whole nightmare. Too bad Irene's parents died that way!! But, I guess we'll just have to wait and find out more about Maya. I'm definitely excited to know more about her - which is a good way to bring in a new character: with interest.

Let me know when chapter 8 is up!

~EternalRain




dogsrule5 says...


Oh... There are many more plot twists that await! And I'll sure to let you know when chapter 8 is out! Thanks for the review! :D




"Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down. I walk through your dreams and invent the future."
— Richard Siken