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Unsafe ~ Chapter 5

by dogsrule5


A/N: Sorry I didn't post this chapter sooner. It's been done for how long now. Actually chapters 6-9 are also done. I got a lot of writing done over the past few months. Sometimes I just get busy and forget to post them. I'm in the process of writing chapter ten. Thinking up some new plot twists. This chapter may be short, therefore it was written a long time ago. I proof-read and double-checked it, but there are still probably tons of errors I didn't catch. Let me know of these please. I want to get better and better at writing. Again sorry this chapter wasn't posted sooner, I just got busy and completely forgot about it. I promise though, the next chapter will be out as soon as possible! Enjoy chapter five!

It was the next morning and it was time for you to go into town and be ready for anything. You are ready. You grab the money and put it in your bag with your notebook and other things you have with you. You put the knapsack on your shoulders and are on your way. You climb down the ladder of your shelter, making sure that Amber isn't outside. It's pretty early in the morning so you figure that she wouldn't even be out of bed yet.

You run into town quickly and head into a store. You find the clothing section which has coats, hats, gloves, scarfs, and other things. You buy the things you need, and check out.

On your way out you run into a boy. He looks about your age.

"Sorry." You say.

"It's okay..." He says. "Wait a minute, aren't you Irene?"

"Um... Yes. How do you know my name?"

"Oh, Izzy told me about you and your problem. I'm Toby."

"Oh, did you send me that money that I found."

"No, but Izzy told me about it. I feel bad that you don't have a home as well as Amber knows where you live."

"Why has Izzy been telling you this. I thought we weren't friends anymore."

"She says you guys are really close friends. I don't know what happened between you to. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to crash at my place for a while, until you get back on your feet."

"Thanks, but I don't want to intrude."

"No, it's cool. Come on."

He takes you out to his car, where you jump in the front seat. You eventually pull up on a driveway and get out of the car. Once you are inside, Toby gives you his phone number, so you can call him if you need anything. He shows you around, and shows you to a guest room where you can stay.

"Are you 17?" You ask Toby.

"Yeah. Like you."

"Cool."

You found Toby nice. He has light brown almost cinnamon colored hair with pretty brown eyes. He's pretty tall. You have a crush on Toby, but knew that Izzy was dating him.

"Hey Toby. I need to tell you something about Izzy."

"Yeah what's up?"

"I'm not sure if you will believe me thought."

"Don't worry, I will. Promise."

"Okay, here it goes."

"Ever since me and Izzy weren't really friends anymore, she's been with Amber. I saw them have this fight about... Well.. killing or hurting you, and I..."

"What? I can't believe her. I knew something was up, but I didn't think she'd be working for Amber."

"Look, Toby I'm not sure if that's what's going on, but I know Amber is doing something to make her do stuff... Maybe... I don't know."

"Whatever, I was probably going to break up with her soon anyway, we never spend time together and she acts like she hates me all the time. She won't talk to me about what's going on and I feel left out, and kind of mad."

"Look Toby, I'm-"

"Don't say anything" You watch as we walks away leaving you in the room alone.

You felt bad about telling Toby this. You didn't think he was going to get this upset about it.

***

You were thinking about leaving Toby's that night, but then fell asleep on the couch. The next morning you wake up around eight o-clock and you can't find Toby, so you grab your bag about to head out the door to go back to your shelter in the woods, when someone grabs your arm. It's Amber... In Toby's house.

You try and break free, but it's no use, Amber's too strong for you. She locks you in Toby's closet. You're banging on the door screaming for help. All of a sudden you hear a gun shot. You scream.

"Toby? Toby!" You scream loudly.

"Shut up Irene, or you'll be next." Amber says loud enough for you to hear.

You continue to bang on the door trying to break free. Finally you're able to break the door lock and break free. You found an old crowbar in his closet that you used to break the lock. You run out of the closet and no sign of anyone. You see a trail of blood that leads into the kitchen. Amber's gone, but then you find Toby's body in the kitchen. He's not dead yet, and your really worried.

"Toby!" You say as you're running to him.

"I'm fine." He says as he tries to get up. You gently push him back down.

"Toby, don't." You say. "You need to rest, I will go find help."

"No, don't go, Amber's probably still out there, and she'll kill you and we can't have that happen."

"Toby? What's going on?"

"Irene, there's something I need to tell you, but you may not believe me."

"Amber's out to get you. Your a target."

"But why? What did I do to her?"

"It's complicated."

"Then what do you need to tell me?"

"Irene.... I'm your brother." After that Toby falls unconscious and you don't know if he will be alright.

You wonder what the hell you did to Amber, and why she wants to hunt you down.

You find some medical stuff in a cabinet in a room upstairs. You put a bandage around Toby's bullet wound hoping that the blood will stop. You're putting pressure on his wound so the blood will stop. There is no way to heal it, without leaving the house, but you can't take that risk. What if Amber's out there with Izzy. She could shoot Toby again, or kill you. You can't take that chance, of getting your brother shot after just finding him. You are trying to put the pieces together in your head, but you still couldn't imagine Toby being your brother. You think it's crazy, yet you believe him. How could he lie to you.

You're still unsure of what your a target of... You need to find out and fast before things get worse, because you know if you don't find out... Amber's going to kill and this time it could be you.

***

It's been a few months since that happened. Toby's able to walk and run, but he can't run for long or it will start to hurt. Toby and you have been careful to stay away from Amber and Izzy.

You lay in your bed not being able to fall asleep that night. You walk over to Toby's room to see if he's asleep he is. That's when you go. You quietly go back to your room and grab you bag. You walk out the door, and try not to slam it shut. When it's closed you start walking at a decent, steady pace.

Toby had told you earlier where Izzy lives, and that's where you were going. It's about time you got some answers. After all Toby doesn't know why your a target, all he knows is that your siblings. You till can't imagine you being siblings, after all you did have a crush on him... That is before you knew you were related. You thought it was weird that you were siblings.

You walked up to Izzy's front porch hoping Amber and her weren't having a slumber party. You ring the doorbell, and some man answers.

"Um.... Can I help you?"

"Hi, I'm looking for Isabella. Is she available?"

"I don't know who your talking about?"

"What do you mean? She lives here?"

"Oh, you might be talking about the girl who lived here before me. Yeah I just moved in about a month a go. The realiter said some girl really had to get out of this town. I'm sorry about that though. Were you friends?"

"Um... Yeah, pretty close one's too. I can't believe she moved."

"She didn't tell you?"

"No, I guess she just forgot. I must go, sorry to have interrupted you?"

"It's fine, but wait?"

"What?"

"Are you that girl from the news who's been stealing from the stores and Starbucks?"

"Um... No, I think you have the wrong girl."

"Oh, sorry then. Good luck finding your friend."

"Thanks." You walk off the porch wondering where the hell Izzy would have gone.

You knew you had to tell Toby what's going on, and that's what your going to do. Then you're going to find Izzy and get the answer you deserve. This is happening and it's about to get real.


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Mon Sep 12, 2016 1:46 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Happy RevMo! :D I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments of this story, so I'll be looking at this as a part of a greater whole.

I think you have a really interesting idea here and there is the potential for a very rich, twisty plot. Dramatic mystery/suspense lends itself well for that :) I also like that this is being told in 2nd. Typically writers are told to shy away from 2nd, and there's usually good reason for that because it's such an unconventional way to tell a story. However, I think there are some instances where it can really add some depth and intrigue to a story, and I think that could be true for this story as well. One of my favorite books of all time is told in 2nd (Stolen by Lucy Christopher). What made that book extra intriguing is that it's about a kidnapping victim and the story is told from the perspective that she has already been rescued and she is writing a letter to her captor about what happened and the impact it had on her. I'm not sure "you" is in this story, but I'm sure that was either made apparent by the previous chapters, or it will become apparent in subsequent chapters.

My biggest issue with this chapter was that so much happens so quickly. I feel like there were several really big and important events that happened in this chapter and we (as readers) flew by them. I want this whole chapter to slow waaaaaaaaaaay down.

I think fast-paced works well in mystery/suspense work because you want to keep the momentum going. You can still achieve that while still stopping to smell the roses :) I want to know where I am. I want to feel like I'm there with the characters and experiencing this right alongside them. I want to know what the characters are thinking and feeling and I want to feel like I'm in the moment with the characters. This is easier said then done, and it takes practice, but it really comes down to showing versus telling. (Everyone's favorite!) If you're not sure how to do that, let me know and I can give you some more specific examples!

I think as you slow this chapter down, the chapter is going to become much longer. That's fine! But, you'll probably want to cut this chapter up a bit and break it into multiple chapters. That's fine too! I always try to follow the 'rule' that you should be able to explain the major plot point that happens in a chapter in one sentence. If it's more than one sentence, there's probably too much going on. The plot is definitely advancing in this chapter (which is awesome and a step in the right direction). But, I think there's too much plot advancement and the reader doesn't have time to process or digest any of these new big developments before something else happens. We have this attack, this revelation that this guy is her brother, the revelation that Izzy is after her, etc. I think each of those things could easily be their own chapter.

I think you have a really intriguing start here and I hope you continue to work on this story because I think this could become something really exciting and cool! Just make sure you give enough time to each plot point so the reader has time to understand and adjust to everything you throw their way :)

Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the review, and I'm glad you liked the story.



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Sun Sep 11, 2016 7:09 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay. So this is a pretty easy read, especially with all the dialogue--it makes it go by really quickly--and I think it's interesting that you chose to write in second person. It's an odd viewpoint to choose and difficult to handle, so I'm impressed that you went this route. I think it's working pretty well for you so far, although this is the first chapter I've read of this story.

But I had a hard time with the first scene in this chapter.

On your way out you run into a boy. He looks about your age.

"Sorry." You say.

"It's okay..." He says. "Wait a minute, aren't you Irene?"

"Um... Yes. How do you know my name?"

"Oh, Izzy told me about you and your problem. I'm Toby."


So, from this exchange it sounds like Toby and the narrator have never met. And yet Toby immediately offers Irene a place to crash. Which, like, first of all, if they're both seventeen, probably he lives with his parents and needs their permission, right? And then second of all...a guy she just met invites her to crash on his couch and she's just like, "Yeah, cool."

I mean...I'd like to see some sort of reaction along the lines of, "Um, what? I don't even know this kid." As opposed to just a, "Oh, I wouldn't want to impose...but yeah, sure."

What thoughts are going through Irene's head when Toby makes this offer? Does she think he's crazy? Is she thinking, "Well, he IS kind of cute"? Or that maybe he should ask his parents first? Or that she could probably find someone she knows better to stay with? Or maybe she's so desperate that she agrees even though they've just met, but whatever she's thinking, we ought to be privy to that. Especially since it's "us" thinking it, because the story's in second person.

Plus, the idea that Irene doesn't know Toby at all is a bit at variance with this later line.

"Ever since me and Izzy weren't really friends anymore, she's been with Amber. I saw them have this fight about... Well.. killing or hurting you, and I..."


I think it would be okay if you just show Irene remembering, at some point prior to this, that she actually does know who Toby is, even though she's never met him. "Toby...Toby...why do I know that name?" Just a moment where Irene realizes she's heard of Toby before. That could even help with the first thing, because maybe Izzy's told her so much about Toby that Irene feels like she knows him, even though this is their first meeting.




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks for the review, but I have a couple explanations for your nitpicks. I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I just want to try to explain. So in the first scene I get how it wouldn't seem right, but at the same time Toby knows Irene because they are siblings, but Irene just doesn't know Toby because of her memory loss. If you had read the earlier chapters you would understand a little better. I'm not trying to sound rude, but I think you should go back and read chapters 1-4 before continuing on, because I feel as if you've missed a lot of explanations in the story. Thanks for the tip for the second nitpick as well. She will have some memories starting in chapter seven (because it's written just not posted) as well as chapters 8 or 9 (haven't been posted yet either, but they are written). Thanks again for the review.

~Dogs




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— Jin, BTS