Lilies on the Water

hey hey HEY! I love the opening smoothness of this poem. You picked a buttery color and combined it with the texture of flower petals, to bring life and crispness to the opening of your poem. I love that first stanza, because you smoothly transition into the story and philosophy as well.

But I think that the image of a river running fast underneath water lilies that are supposed to kind of hover over slow moving rivers or stagnant-ish ponds is conflicting in my mind. I wanted still and steady, and you gave me something that looks like it could make rapids. You also used a very flat color, just calling the sky "blue". Like it's one of those basic colors at a clothes market or in a box of crayons. There's so much variety in life, and although white worked earlier, that was because it was precise in its simplicity. Blue brings down the poem.

I am also a little confused about the story of love in this poem. There's a speaker and a receiver. In stanza two, the receiver seems to be upset about a love that has been taken from him/her, but the speaker specifically says "the love YOU knew", taking himself/herself out of the equation. Which means it's not the love WE knew, and that means the speaker... but suddenly it is about them in the fourth stanza. There it's OUR love and it will be forever true. Are you trying to imply that the speaker is dead and this is like the receiver feeling his spirit in the water lilies? Clear up one place or another so we can be sure of what you want to communicate!

Well, I hope this was helpful.
Good luck and keep writing!
And please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review!

It is a beautiful poem. The idea of a love coming to an end is expressed nicely. A few commas here and there would be good- a little bit of punctuation, you know. But I really love the thought and emotion you have put in this. I can feel the pain and the love. The white lilies express the purity and beauty of love. I cannot say which stanza is my facourite, for I like the whole poem. Great work!

Hi aouther2b! Interesting name, I didn't actually notice the 2b until after blinking in shock at the fact this is a featured work. Let me reiterate, it's not your fault but instead the negligence of people that choose to like something that is so chocked full of cliches, a strange end rhyme for only the third line of each stanza and enough pathos and catharsis to write a Soap Opera. People clearly either want to approach something simple, not interpret what they see, or don't know how to provide critically, constructive feedback.

I do not think the comments you have received so far are constructive, much less helpful in the least, so I will say this is not a featured work, but a work that needs a lot of attention. What you have now is a foundation that can be built on, but not a finished poem.

Consider the simplicity of the form of the piece you have written and the consistency of the images you use. These are not synchronizing together to give me a fluid, complete and well rounded experience of what "Lilies on the Water" mean for how "white" they are nor on the importance of "the goodbyes" and this "you".

Your "poem" looks like this.

Their petals so white x2 images
say the goodbyes No image
that I cannot say to you No image

They capture the tears x1 image
that you cry No image
over the love you knew No image

The river they flow on x1 image
runs fast like No image
the winds beneath the blue x1 image

Hold the lilies x1 image
like our love No image
That will forever be true No image

Firstly, that's quite a lot of imagery for so few lines. What's worse, the following lines DO NOT develop the images beyond an initial emotive release. Why is this goodbye tragic? What is the nature of the importance of the lilies? Why are flowers connoted to love? Can't love also be vicious and cruel and deceptive from the start? Is a flower the best image for this? Additionally, why introduce the rivers and wind? Are you developing a nature motif? But what about the love and this sudden "you" at the end of the first stanza?

Even more worrisome, this "I" in the first stanza never reappears afterwards. Reading the second stanza the you seems to shift from this indiscriminate person/thing the speaker was talking to to possibly the reader. I do not at all feel comfortable or believe this speaker can with authority tell me about love. It's not suspending my disbelief. Simple as that.

Either the speaker is a narcissist that believes they understand something we do not or they're being overly melodramatic. I think both can also be the case. In that understanding this speaker is both arrogant and desiring attention that isn't deserved, so effectively this "poem" is altogether completely uninteresting and typical. I'm not surprised or impressed with anything, except at how little it tries to do anything but the cliche.

Also, bare in mind the reality of poem length and word choice in a small poem. Here is a poem by a famous poet:

The Uses of Sorrow

Someone I loved gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

This much shorter, briefer poem relies on carefully picked images to say everything you can imagine and more. The suspense is in not knowing everything, and possibly knowing very little, in order to heighten the importance of what you are left with (which is exactly the poet's goal when writing such a poem! what you are left with in life is often more important and revealing than you give it credit for).

A short and carefully worded poem means you have to have meaning and purpose in line length and word choice at all times. If you say the same thing over and over, will it mean more or eventually become a white noise that is easily glossed over without any depth taken from its listener/reader?

Consider that also for receiving useless praise when in reality critical analysis is much more useful and tact in many situations. Good luck with your future writing and hopefully this review was useful in some way to you.

I love your poem It's bittersweet . It is a pure poem !!!!!!!!!

Hey Aouther2b ,

Achu here to review. This is well structured in form of poem. But the punctuation is no where to be found. Otherwise your work is well written. The romance is clearly brought out. And it is a proud love every one should be aware of.

"Their petals so white
say the goodbyes
that I cannot say to you"

This is my favorite stanza. Because this proves how much you are longing for your beloved ones presence. Anyways good work. Keep it up. And wish to see more works from you..!!

Simple words and a poem that conveys a message
A Short and sweet poem
I Dont feel that i need to make any suggestions to this poem but just keep practicing
and you can make it
Excellent job
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
You have used small words and easy words to make this poem really amazing
The Shortness of this poem determines the sweetness.
No more Comments.
ENJOY

Oh my gosh, this poem really spoke to me! I love it a lot (I don't really know why though...). I don't see anywhere that needs improvement; the bluntness of it makes it short and sweet. The ever-lasting trait of love is very well portrayed in this.