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The things like the times we spent all alone,
The stolen kisses and the late talks on the phone.
The moments we shared that built like a flame.
The sound of your voice as you whispered my name.
Those moments made me forget how much love can hurt
How such simple actions determined my worth.
And slowly I’ve realized that love is now gone
And with it my passion and heart must move on.
I wish you the best, I really do.
And this distrust in love is not just for you.
It stems from much deeper, like a plant in the soil.
Our love just created a little more turmoil.
I screwed up long before our love came to an end,
And I took advantage of my one true friend.
And those things that I did, I can’t put into words.
So I will say I’m sorry and get out of your world.
And it was my fault that this love came to an end.
That this shattered heart cannot be mend.
I bid you farewell, au ravoir, and goodbye,
And pray that there will be no tears left to cry.
But if there are tears, be they tears of sorrow or delight
Cry them in remembrance of those wonderful nights.
Where love was a breath of air by the sea
And love meant forever for both you and me.
I was really annoyed in the middle, but I came to love it and want more from it by the end, especially those last couple of lines, 'cause they are so TRUE. Like, bad things happen, but you hope that person can remember the good thoughts, the moments where everything seems to radiate some memory-sparkle when you thought you'd be together forever.
GRASP THAT right now if it hasn't already fled from you, because I tell you later you won't be able to remember what that feels like. You already did a pretty good job bringing in the breadth of the sea to illustrate that for you, but I think it would do well as the focus of this poem.
I got annoyed at the middle 'cause I wanted specifics. I don't want the run down in steps of your relationship. "I cheated on you and then I told you and you were mad and then I said you should forgive me and you did but then I didn't want you to so you were confused etc etc etc" -- no. But too many people just gloss over what ACTUALLY made the relationship special in favor of vague description 'cause they figure either it covers all of it without revealing what really happened OR it seems tedious to go over the little details they already know they love.
Give me the scent of the night you first knew it was forever, even though you can look back now and know it was not. Give me the texture of the next thing you touched that wasn't the other person's skin. Did that object stick in your memory? If not, what did? Give me a word or a phrase they said that let you know they meant it, that really let you believe them. Give me at least a hint as to this fault of yours that you describe. Did you neglect or actively destroy the relationship? Don't just say "sorry I did a bad thing". You and that person ALREADY know what you did. We are the audience. We don't. Clue us in, or keep the poem to yourself. I don't mean that harshly, but just to illustrate the point. You're trying to bring us in on something, so don't sabotage yourself.
To illustrate, the first stanza is full of vague mentions. "the times we spent all alone"? What does that mean? Did you just sit there watching TV but it was actually nice 'cause you were really alone and you knew if you wanted to say something you could? Or like, what? 'Cause right now it is nothing. And the sound of the voice with the whisper of the name? Why was it whispered? What did it actually sound like?
Ahh~ Please push further. Make this stronger. Do it justice. I want to live your love story.
PM me with questions or comments~ Or leave a wall post. Good luck!
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