I say I am fine
But what am I really?
I am falling slowly,
Into the darkness
And the only light
Is coming from the grey
Of the pavement
I am insecure and insane
With only a small thread
Of hope to stop me
From hitting the cold hard ground
I am a nuisance
To those I thought loved me.
I’ve become a burden
Too heavy for anyone to bare.
And I’m evolving
Into the girl I used to fear
When looking in the mirror.
I smile everyday,
And you believe it’s true.
You have no idea of the lightning storm
That is just starting to brew.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I like it, I have actually been depressed for a few months now so I now how you fee. Anyways keep up the good work.
Yo, yo, yo!!
Nargles here to review this mighty fine poem for you!
So, what was good about this poem?
Well, your use of description and imagery really helped to add meaning and emotion to the poem, meaning that I really connected to it and it made me feel something. So good job!!
You also use figurative language well and create a story without laying it all out for us. You don't tell us, this happened, and then this, then they did this, resulting in this. You create the story by not telling us the story, allowing readers to piece together what has happened. I really like that! I like the continuous themes of grey, dark and black, and how you use them to create ideas and meanings, and you have carried them across the whole poem, through metaphors such as the lightning storm and the pavement.
What isn't so good about this poem?
I'm not going to go into technical punctuation and grammar because the others have done an ok job at that. Except just the number one rule- Be consistent.
A lot of poems and poets choose different ways, whether that be no punctuation, capitalise every line or only when needed, or not at all. It doesn't matter what you decide to do, but just be consistent in the poem. Otherwise people notice it and it gets messy and confusing.
Personally I don't like the layout, I don't see why you did it. But that is just my opinion and by no means do you have to listen to it.
You have written a really good poem and I loved reading it, you made it interesting and emotional.
Good job and keep writing!
Nargles xxx
I enjoyed reading this. Poems that have to do with the loss of sanity or the mind in genreal are very enjoyable to read. Here are my thoughts of this piece.
The beggening starts off well. I felt you were setting the scene for when she is losing it and that maybe she was face down on the floor while she was realizing it all. But then you say soon after the word "insane". I would have saved that word till the end to realize the final realization of her psyche. Also towards the end you change the tone of the poem like she is talking to someone. I cant help but wonder if she is talking to someone or to herself maybe some clarification would have been helpful if that were the case.
The last portion of the poem i would have kept in first person so it looked something like this
"I look into the mirror
I smile everyday
i believe its true
i have no idea of the lightning storm"
and then i would have change the last line to
"That is beggening to brew."
Dont know if this was a helpful review or insight but Nonetheless this was very enjoyable to read and i would like to see more.
This is very... Real. I understand how this feels and you've done well describing it. I don't experience this all the time, though:) I like how you used simple sentences, but each one conveys an emotion. I don't see anything wrong with it (especially if this poem means something to you) and I wouldn't do anything to change it. Excellent job!
This is a very interesting poem you have here. I enjoyed it. I am The Raven and I will be reviewing your poem at this moment. My review will be divided between What Is Good and What Needs improvement/Suggestions. Well, let's get down to business shall we?
What Is Good:
1) Your use of the form is very meaningful. The inconsistency of the form is very thought-provoking, implying that the narrator's a tad unhinged. Not to mention, if I'm not wrong, it separates the surface from the deep thoughts. Interesting.
2) There's a few good lines in there. I like this bit right here:
I could read a lot of things into this. Grey = hopelessness, dull life, grey-grey morality. Pavement = death by jumping, or just taking a hard fall, not necessarily dying. Being down in the dumps. Interesting.
What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) This is a poem, but there's just too many things to be taken literally. I'd suggestion loading each and every word and line with more meaning. Try to say things slant, so that every line would be like the ones I highlighted above - with so many layers of meaning, so many ways to interpret it. Examples of literal lines that can pretty much be taken word for word are
These could use a paraphrase or two. Otherwise my response to this could only be 'oh, okay.' rather than 'wow, so that means this, this, and that, oh and it could be this, this and that too!'. Unfortunately, I was going 'oh, okay' most of the time.
2) This seems to be a widespread problem for post-modern poets, but there's no rhythm, no pattern, no metrics, no alliteration, no rhyming... There's a lot of stuff in the poet's toolbox you could use. I know that it's a trend these days to just go without those, but if you use at least some of them, you'll stand to gain the advantage. You'll make your poem more memorable, and it will enhance the form of your poem, increasing the meaning that can be put and read into it. Without any devices, a poem can be looked upon as just words arranged to look like poetry, and that's it, when in fact it would have achieved the same effect in normal prose form.
3) I believe 'bare' should be 'bear'
That's all I have so far. I hope this helps.
Hey! First off, its a great poem. It flows really well and definitely gets the message across. I especially like the overall meaning of this piece, as you said it is a little depressing, but it is something that I think a lot of people can really relate too.
I really like the line- "And the only light is coming from the grey of the pavement." I find that really captivating. It creates strong imagery of the darkness the narrator is experiencing.
Keep writing!