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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Hey I really liked this piece. It was really original. I liked how you started off the beginning with a deep meaning. The best story to be told is the one that you have experienced by yourself. A broken heart is just a lesson. It means that they guy or girl you once fell for isn't the right one for you. They were meant for someone else. That's why there are a lot of people in this world. They're here so you can meet them. You always have more then one chance at love. If this guy isn't the right one then there's always another one. Anywas, you should keep the point of view to only one type though. But otherwise I really like it
This piece is really deep. It's a topic that many consider dark, disturbing, something that should be kept private. I disagree with those people. I believe this kind of peotry should recieve the most attention, because it is so original, it conveys the feelings of the reader, and it gives you a glance into someone who, maybe, just maybe, might be like you. I love the way you start off this poem, but the switched point of views kinda messed me up. I think you should try to stick to one. I also think that the rhyme helped the flow, which would seem choppy without it. I think you have an excellent piece here, and you only need to change the point of view.
I am a little confuesed by what you mean my point of view. I saw the earlier review and I thought I put it all into first person. Is there a particular line you can show me so I can take another look. Thank you for the review
number one: the sudden change from a third-person vantage point to being directly spoken to is jarring and feels cheap. besides that, it makes me think, "hey wait, you're the one telling me about all this, why aren't YOU, disembodied head man, saving this girl?" which is kind of not what you wanted, right?
number two: you pulled off some very natural rhymes, and that's awesome. they were mostly toward the end of the poem, and the beginning was shaky, though. especially here:
1. *unstoppable
2. how does a river push past streams? i like the image of the flow of broken things, AND the double duty this stanza does setting up "things" as something appropriate to rhyme with "dreams/screams/streams". it's just, if one image doesn't make sense, it throws off the rest of your hard work, so that needs to get fixed. streams flow INTO rivers.
number three, just wondering because it serves as basically the base of the work: why does this girl need a savior? why do you have to label the person who will help her as a savior? unless GIVEN by the victim, savior comes off as very arrogant and controlling: deciding to be someone's savior is saying you are better off than they are in every respect and you will raise them from the mud they are in. she's in trouble, yes. she's in a bad place, yes, but is she worse than anyone else in terms of the quality of her being?
work this out more. expand and give more images. think about what you want to accomplish with this piece and push every word to that purpose.
and lemme know if you have any questions about my review (through PM).
good luck!
Ok so I took your advice and changed the point of view. Personally I think you were right and it clears up somethings that you said in your review. If you have anymore suggestions with the new way it's written feel free to comment or rereview the piece! Thank you for your imput.