z

Young Writers Society



Angel Wings

by aouther2b


They are big and soft and white as snow.
Their beauty is pure and they take a hold
Of the the dangers and evils, they toss them a side
Angel wings keep me alive.

Like a dream, unseen from a far
A safety net from things that could tear me apart.
And they wrap me up in their warmth, held close.
These angel wings, they let me know

That when the timecomes that I can no longer stay,
These angel wings will take me away.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
122 Reviews

Points: 249
Reviews: 122

Donate
Sat Jan 19, 2013 7:57 pm
aouther2b says...



I fixedthe line you were talking about, or at least i hope i did!




Random avatar

Points: 3068
Reviews: 161

Donate
Sat Jan 19, 2013 3:51 pm
kayfortnight wrote a review...



You did excellent on the imagery. I can picture the angel wings perfectly in my mind. :)
I agree with the other reviewer about this line.

They provide me safety from things that could tear me apart.
If you read the poem aloud, that line disrupts the flow. I think that if you made that line shorter, it might flow smoother. The rhyme scheme didn't seem at all childish, which I sometimes have a problem with in my own poems.
I hope this review was helpful. :)




User avatar
308 Reviews

Points: 25520
Reviews: 308

Donate
Sat Jan 19, 2013 11:58 am
AlfredSymon wrote a review...



Aouther! Hey, I, Alfred the great and marvelous am here to review your very angelic piece, Angel Wings! Prepare yourself! *woooosh*

IMPRESSIONS MATTER:
Let's see, Angel Wings. What do people think about when they hear the words? Ah, there it is, in your poem! This is one of the best things I've found in it. You gave the title Angel Wings, and you did give out the topic, Angel Wings. It means that you delivered your goal completely quick! I'm very happy to see that. Giving what readers thought of finding is a very good goal for a poet, you know!

Descriptions. Let's say I'm also happy with this one :) You've composed a very descriptive poem in such manner that you do describe it, but with the use of figurative techniques which just brings the poem to a high level of intensity! The similes and metaphors there really made it more serene than ever, and let me say, I love how you use them! :)

RECONNECT, PLEASE!
Okay, so I think the only thing that separates your piece with a Best Poem Prize is its coherence. Look at this set of verses:

Of the the dangers and evils, toss them aside
Angel wings keep me alive.

See? There wasn't much of a transition. And also, the preceding verses is a bit misleading. Using of, then a verb about the object of that preposition is grammatically a cause of some confusion.

They provide me safety from things that could tear me apart.

This one, on the other hand, is a bit mismtached. It's too distracting, I think, and it quite breaks the flow of the piece. Some arrangement perhaps?

Well, I think that's all for Angel's Wings. There's so much to feel in it I forgot checking all the technicalities! Hahaha! Anyways, good luck writing!

Your pal,
Al





Meatball, meatball, spaghetti underneath; ravioli, ravioli, great barrier reef!
— Spongebob