Hallowed halls and empty walls
A picture perfect past,
Yet present day isn’t here to stay
And this peace will never last.
Hallowed halls and empty walls
And I am too deep in,
In love, in hate, in my mistakes
No longer sure where I begin
Hallowed halls and empty walls
Alone yet surrounded still,
By a whirling wind, and beating drum,
And silence deadly and ready to kill.
Hallowed halls and empty walls,
but never the same as before,
the pictures fell, as you can tell,
I haven’t moved since you walked out the door.
Hallowed halls and empty walls,
And a single stain of red.
A breath not took, and a passing look,
You’d think a body dead.
Hallowed halls and empty walls,
Hold the story of my soul,
The sorrowful tragedy and yet, beautiful romance
Of the life the sweet metallic stole.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Quite dark, which is a compliment, considering I mainly hang around the horror section. The rhythm was good, though a bit awkward in some places. It had an eerie rhyme to go with the rhythm, which I appreciated. It helped me get into the mood of the poem. Great job!!!
I loved your poem!!! It was simple and I think that's what I enjoyed most! In the line "I haven't moved since you walked out the door" makes me think of a lost love. I love that your incorporated romance and death. It was dark yet lovely! Keep up the good work and keep writing! Your work rocks!
Hey ... YOUR POEM IS MIND-BLOWING!!
... I TOTALLY love you... and yea, I'm going to follow you.
I LOVED IT!
It was just so amazing, so heart-touching..
I mean, i totally agree that it's dark.... but it's the sort of dark that makes you fall in love with it.
There is so such beauty in the sadness of this poem, i don't even know how to put it down..
All i can say is AMAZING JOB!
KEEP WRITING SUCH ABSOLUTELY AMAZINNNNNNGGGGG STUFF
Checking out now..
XOXO
The meter isn't bad. I'll admit that. It fits. But it's sing songy and do you really want a sad poem to be sing songy? To get stuck in your head like that? The meter is distracting from the words of the poem.
Apart from the meter, I don't really see anything special. If anyone has ever wanted to be a poet, they've written this poem. "Life is terrible, and the terribleness is beautiful" that focuses on an image of an abandoned house or a dead rose garden or something terribly gothic and cliche like that. It's self indulgent and obnoxious. Another phrase that might describe it is "emo."
We've all written emo poems, but we have to understand that's what they are.
So if there truely is beauty in the terribleness then how does one avoid it from being "emo" if that is what they want to write about?
I absolutely love the rhythm of this poem! Amazing job!
Hello! I like the dark mood that the language of this poem creates. It does a good job of showing the fear and loneliness of the narrator. I like the imagery, especially at the part where the narrator is "alone yet surrounded still."
The story here is somewhat confusing to me. Some of the descriptions are vague, which makes it difficult to follow.
These are some of the places where the poem mentions aspects of the narrator's life, but since they're not very specific, it's hard for me to see what's happening to the narrator. It might help to give more detail about what's being described.
I like the sound devices in the poem. The alliteration helped the flow of the poem, and the internal rhyme worked well.
There were a few places where it was slightly awkward to read:
These lines didn't flow as well, because they're longer than the lines around them, and they don't quite fit within the meter.
There were also a few small things I noticed:
"Took" should be conjugated as "taken," though I guess it's fine to leave it as it is, since it fits with the internal rhyme.
In the last stanza there is a comma after "walls," and I think the comma interrupts the flow. Also, in the first and third stanzas, I think adding a comma after "walls" would help the flow.
I like the dark images used in the poem, and I think the repetition of the first line adds to the ominous mood. I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
Interesting rhyme scheme, the images are powerful.
I like it, I think you could expand on this by making better use of a stanza structure as well as potentially using flashbacks to give the character more depth potentially and the poem it's self more depth.
I would like to hear more of this and think it's a great start!
I love you right now! This is one of the rare poems I have read with absolutely perfect rhyme, rhythm and meter. Your expressions and images are beautiful and the poem flows in a very easy and natural manner. There is not a single thing that I would change about your style or language.
The constant repetition of the first line also serves it's purpose beautifully, giving the reader a feeling of reverberating loss.
I could totally envision the scenes you described, and sympathize with the poet. This poem carried me off with it's flow and I enjoyed the ride immensely, although in a bittersweet manner.
The image about the 'single stain of red' was also very powerful and striking. It stood out to me even among the plethora of striking images in this poem.
The only suggestion I can give you is to try and divide this poem into stanzas, as that would make the flow even better.
Besides that, this was an amazing piece, one of the best I have read on this site.
Keep writing!