It was a lovely day--
I remember it that way.
Or maybe it was rain
With dark clouds hanging over.
But I remember blue skies.
No, there was not a single cloud up there,
In an ocean of blue
And I stood blissfully unaware.
Now let me back up,
I’ll give you some history:
Of my poor broken family,
(the cause was no mystery).
***
For my mother was abused
She was beaten in front of my eyes.
And sometimes I still hear her screams,
Those bloodcurdling cries.
My dad was a monster to me--
His anger had been clearly shown,
So when my mother did divorce,
Everyone had known.
So I lived with my mother
Some miles away.
But even since they’d split,
She thought of him everyday.
And my mother became distant,
Her love was inconsistent,
For some days she’d come home
And lay in bed for the rest of the day
She left me on my own
And stayed out of the way.
It was a Sunday morning
And Mother told be to play outside
She told be to use the sidewalk chalk,
And, yes, I tried.
But the sidewalk was too uneven
So for some stupid reason,
I decided to draw in the middle of the street.
With the chalk, I drew a picture of me,
Of my family together side by side--
Our faces happy, our smiles wide.
So I stood in the street and admired my art,
The scene touching my fragile-made heart.
That’s when I the squealing of tires
And the world exploded into blinding pain
Darkness danced in my vision, but oh!
I was keeping myself from falling, keeping myself sane.
I didn’t remember my drop,
But I remember myself lying there,
In a sea of glass and debris and pain
Smoke hanging in the air.
***
It was a lovely day--
I remember it that way.
Or maybe it was rainy
With dark clouds hanging over.
No, no.
I think the sky was blue.
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140,909 Literary Works • 673,728 Reviews
I will give you an honest review.
First off, the overview:
The first thing I noticed was how serious and meaningful this poem is. It deals with very mature themes. The themes match how the poem has been approached for the most part (I will explain the exceptions later) , with it being written in a serious manner. I did like this poem and I can appreciate the effort that went into it. However I did not enjoy it, appropriately so because the themes aren't made for enjoyment. It made me think and consider, it was complex enough that no singular feeling was outstanding but I instead had to interpret it. This to me is what makes it a good poem. It was an uncomfortable read but rightly so.
Specifics:
I liked the callback at the end, with that stanza being first and final. I also liked the inconsistency of rhyme, which proves to me that you don't make rhyme a priority over the narrative, which is what breaks many poems that could've been good. I liked your repetition of "and" in the third stanza from the bottom, this to me sounds a lot better than commas and gives that scene a sudden feeling which is appropriate for the aftermath of a car crash.
What I didn't like:
I didn't like the "(the cause was no mystery)" line. First of all the brackets add another layer to the narrative, like a second narrator or a second perspective which doesn't really suit. Besides the brackets the line's rhyme itself feels very forced and doesn't add any substance to work, it is literally a filler rhyme line. I feel it subtracts from the poem's meaningfulness overall because the poem is mature but this kind of line and rhyme would be found in a more playful or childish poem. I did consider this could be intentional but I doubt it seeing as the narrator is using the past tense and is probably not a child anymore.
Another example is the "everyone had known." line, alone it really held no substance and felt like another forced rhyme. Thankfully these two are the only examples I found of rhyme over reason writing. Just try to watch out for this kind of line in the future, especially when dealing with mature themes like most poetry does.
There are grammar issues but it's nothing you can't fix with a proofread, IMO a review should contribute something to the work that the author couldn't see for themselves or might not see for themselves.
FINALLY:
Your style is unique and interesting to read, it just needs more refining. I won't say you're "talented" or "a good writer" because really what does that even mean? What I will say is that I personally enjoyed this, and that you have potential as we all do. If you have a passion to pair with that potential you can achieve and you clearly have a passion. Work hard on what you think matters and good luck writing out there.
Thank you for the review! I will work on the rhymes and make them fit better.
Hi there! This is a poem unlike any other I have read. The entire story is beautifully written from a unique perspective. Your punctuation and flow are all stunning. The descriptions you use give me a very good picture of the story. I found one spelling erro The only suggestion I have would be to increase the amount of imagery. But then again maybe the amount of imagery you use fits the perspective. It's really your choice. My favorite part of your poem is how you bring the state of the sky back around in the end of the poem. This has been one of my favorite reads! Thank you for sharing your talent!
-thecolorofthesky
Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked it.