Carly breathed in the scent of Febreze spray that her mother had coated the house with later that morning. She made sure that her shoes were clean as she walked up to her empty bedroom, but only because her mother insisted. They couldn't have their new owners thinking that they never cleaned. Carly didn't care, though. This new family wasn't her business, and they were stealing her home, anyways. Stepping inside of her bedroom, Carly took one last look around. There were no posters of her favorite bands on the walls, no blue curtains strung across the windows, no life at all. In the end, it wasn't what she'd be leaving behind that hurt most, it was the memories she'd be taking with. She could so clearly picture her family sitting at the table all together eating dinner, talking about school or the weather. That would all change now. Carly's mom would be working later, and her older sister never spent much time with the family either.
"Carly! We're all waiting for you! Everyone's in the car!" Carly's mother called out.
Carly pinched her eyes closed, then opened them again. She pulled the door gently shut and started walking down the hallway. Looking up at the white ceiling, she said, "Goodbye, home."
Carly wasn't quite sure why she had spoken to the house, but at the moment it had seemed right. The house deserved a farewell just as much as her friends did. Walking softly down the stairs, Carly cast one look at the bare hardwood floors and took one last whiff of Febreze before walking across their green lawn into the car. Once she was in, her mother started the car, and they rolled down the street. Soon they would be in a different home in a different place. Looking back at her house, the words stuck on Carly's lips.
"Goodbye, home."
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140,456 Literary Works • 673,226 Reviews
It's incredible how much emotion you managed to convey, and inspire, in so few words! As someone who's moved around a bit, it had me choked up.
I think you also create an incredible sense of time passing, of how a family changes and grows over the years. After reading it, I felt like I knew the family much better that I could explain.
I really loved it, but I will add a few constructive comments- but they're really just opinions, so don't let them bother you if you don't agree.
I understand that febreeze is used by her mum to make the house feel fresh for the next owners- but it's not a very personal smell- it seems like you could mention another, less generic scent to her home. On the other hand, maybe you intend it that way; the febreeze has blanked out their mark on the house.
Finally, somewhat pedantically, the grammar in this sentence confused me a little:
Carly's mom would be working later, and her older sister never spent much time with the family either.
The first half is conditional- would-, but the second is present tense. The switch between tenses in the middle of the sentence is a bit confusing- maybe you add:
Carly's mom would be working later, and her older sister never spent much time with the family ANYMORE.
I don't know, but it maybe clarifies it a little? On the otherhand, the mix of tenses is a very effective way of showing time passing, and the collision and conclusion of all her memories.
inkybird
ps I like how you kept the writing simple- it added a uncluttered, minimalist feel to the piece.
Thank you for the review. I'll work on that.
Loved your story. Going to be hitting home for me soon. I've lived in a small town in Oklahoma since I was a little girl and soon going to be moving to a town less then 20 minutes from a big city in Texas. I loved how you put details into it. It really makes you picture it in your mind. Brings your imagination to life. Keep writing. Your really good at it.
Thank you!
Hey Acm
I wanted to say i love the writing prompt because i had moved to another state recently and i feel like i can really relate to the topic and it makes me feel like i'm not the only one who is being ripped away from a place they love and have had so many great memories in.But i think that when you were describing Carly's room
[There were no posters on the walls, no curtains strung across the windows, no life at all. In the end, it wasn't what she'd be leaving behind that hurt most, it was the memories she'd be taking with.]
you could have added some more personal things about her in there to really tell who she is like what kind of things she had hanging in her room and her layout of the room because i think it tells a lot about a person based on how their room is structure telling weather they are precise on where to put things and weather it is neat and organized or sloppy.In addition i thought you could have added her heart warming memories she had taken place in the house she loved.I was also a little puzzled as to why she needed to make sure she was as clean as possible to meet the family that would be moving in if they never even met....
[They couldn't have their new owners thinking that they never cleaned. Carly didn't care, though. This new family wasn't her concern, and they were stealing her home, anyways.]
it was a really nice and relatable story but i feel it could have been taken more into depth.
Thanks for the review. I'll work on that.
Hi,
However, you missed a comma over there after with in the first sentence. (Oh man, I shouldn't nitpick so early...)
Acm~chan, I don't think I have reviewed your short stories before, but now, here I am writing this review.
Okay!
You begin the story with a sentence that contain a very good description; I can smell the Febreze from here.
Next, I'm gonna stress on the tone. It is near-melancholic, but something's missing. It isn't so appealing. You have to make sure all the diction is accurate as it could make a big hole in any writings. As an example, the word concern you used in the first paragraph. I know it wasn't wrong but concern contains many meanings. You should use a sharper word to avoid confusion.
Warning...
Spoiler
Putting a punctuation mark after house seemed a bit off because people rarely use that mark to some non-living thing. It would become a personification, but it wasn't necessary. You could reverse the words into like new house owners...and anything similar to that.
Putting a plural mark (the s/es/ies/blablabla) on the nouns after the word, no, could be like weird. I suggest that you removed all the sss because the sentence would become not balance because of "life" had no sss.
The problem here is the comma before though and anyways. I know it is optional to put the comma or not, but most people would prefer to not use the comma. If I can avoid a comma, I usually will.
NO!! THAT IS ENOUGH OF ME!!
Overall, the conclusion is this is a cute story with a little sadness sprinkled in it. Try focusing on simple things.
Don't be so bothered with my review. Instead, try hard and good luck! KEEP WRITING!
~~Nicol
P/s:
Thanks for the review! I'll work on that.
Hey acm! I'm here to review!
. What should have been there? What posters did Carly have hanging on her wall? Where was her bed supposed to be? I would add things like this in so that we can see her home and glimpses of her life.First off, oh my goodness! This is so sweet- and having moved not too long ago I can totally relate to what you've written.
One suggestion I have would be to elaborate where you write
Also, you could potentially add more to show how this house was a home to Carly. Maybe she could reflect on a memory of something that took place in her room, or stop when she notices a certain dent/ scuff in the wall or on the hardwood that not even her mom could fix.
This is a fantastic piece of work- very easy to relate to. I would just add a few things that make it more personal to Carly.
Hope some of this is helpful!!
-backraodstraveler
Thanks for the review! I'll do those things.
I absolutely love the plot of the story, it is something that almost everyone can relate to! You did a great job at making Carly's emotional tie to the house obvious, implying that she had spent a good part of her life here. I can easily infer that this was her childhood home, deepening her attachment to the house. One thing that could make the story even better is adding more details about the look of the house and certain elements of the house that her memories are tied to. One unoriginal example would be a wall that her parents used to mark her height off on. Adding details like that would make the reader sympathize with Carly even more.
Who else besides her parents is included in this sentence? Does she have siblings? Simple characters life that could also help add to her love for the house. Your story is already written very well and has details, but adding a few more simple details could make such a big difference!
Thanks for the review!
Hey acm
I really enjoyed this story, especially since I can relate to it. Two summers ago I moved from Maine to Texas. I lived in Maine for 8 years and grew up in there, it was my childhood. Moving hurt but I was looking forward to it at the same time. I found this story short but very moving, and in my mind that's how it should be. To me, this scenario is better written in a short and powerful story than a long descriptive one. It's the final moments before moving that you really remember, but also hurt the most. A drawn out and descriptive story for this scenario wouldn't capture the brevity of the moment. So I loved how you did this.
A few nitpicks about grammar. First, I personally wouldn't use "grassy" to describe the lawn. It sounds too generic to me. Maybe even something as simple as "lush" or "trimmed." I would also reword "in a different home in a different place" to something along the lines of "in a different place, a different home." I see the use of repetition, but it doesn't work there for me.
I hope my input helps in some ways! Loved the story and I look forward to seeing more shorts by you
Thanks for the review! I'll fix that.
Accidentally didn't submit as a review, so the review should be above