The bully in school took my money,
and bought a candy bar for himself,
he thought that it was hilariously funny,
to take something from someone else.
My brother copied my homework,
and said that I was the one who cheated,
he said that I had begged him to do it,
because my own work was uncompleted.
My friend stole my favorite book,
before I could read the end,
and when I asked for it back,
she said that I was a really friend.
But when the bully demanded my money for lunch,
I refused to do so and swung a punch.
When my brother demanded my corrected homework,
I told him to go do his own work.
When my friend demanded my brand new book,
I didn't allow her one single look.
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140,458 Literary Works • 673,229 Reviews
Hello there!
Here to check your lovely short poetry.
I really adore that it is about such a matter.
Even if sad this is something very beautifully written and worth the read.
Bullying is something, a matter, that needs to be looked at.
You had shown examples for bullying very well and it is something everyone can relate to even if some of us may not be bullied this exact way.
I think you could think of a better way to end this poetry as I think ticktock123 had done it well to tell you ways to improve this work and mostly at the end of it.
The first two spanzas were perfect.
But the last line of the third spanza ruined it.
I know you had tried to end it smoothly but it was odd and out of the flow you had tried to create at the start.
'she said that I was a really friend' maybe you could rhyme it but still make sense? Right now there is no sense for me.
The 5th spanza was kind of weird for me too even if I think it needs no corrections.
You had used homework and work to rhyme it and it sounds forced.
Overall, I think you had written a good work. Keep on writing.
Thanks, I'll fix those.
You are welcome.
I think the writer did an amazing job writing this piece and I found it i to be a beautifully realistic poem on bullying and being used or underestimated. I shared similar experiences and think it's absolutely astonishing how a curate she was about the subject, though I only wish that I was able to stand up like that. Great job
Thank you!
Hi!
Great poem! It has a huge impact on the reader, and I liked the way you change the structure and rhyme scheme in the last 3 verses because there was a change in the writer's perspective.
A few tiny little things:
1) I didn't think " and said that I was a really friend" made sense... I wasn't sure what you meant
2) I think the last line would be more powerful if it was more like: "But I didn't even bother to look" or " But I didn't give her one look" . I think "even" and "allow" is too much in the phrase
3) I'm not exactly sure what you meant by "I refused to make the exchange". I'm guessing you were referring to the money deal with the bully or something but it sounded a little bit like a desperate rhyme.
Anyway, apart from that I absolutely loved it. Its so true and relatable to a lot of people. As a reader, I could really empathise with this person being bullied, lied to etc... by these people that everyone has encountered in their lives before. You conveyed the sadness really well.
I also really liked the last 3 verses. Where you see a sudden change in the person's attitude towards the people that have hurt him. Which again, is very true. When people hurt us, we don't want it to happen again.
I really liked the rhyming scheme a lot. Loads of people say it hinders the writer from really expressing the true extent of what they want to convey. But I like using rhyming as well - and I think that as long as there aren't too many desperate rhymes (which there weren't) it makes the poem as a whole sound a lot better. It tied it up nicely and it made the flow a lot easier to follow. I really liked it.
The ending as well was great - and overall its a really good poem. Keep writing.
Tick tock
Thanks for the review! I'll change that.
Even though it sounds like you rushed this, I kinda like it: the rhymes are really good and un-forced, so that's good. I also like the plot of this, it's really smart. The ending ends it pretty well too. However I don't like this part:
"My brother copied my homework,
and said that I was the one who cheated,
he said that I had begged him to do it,
because my own work was uncompleted."
You used common-every-day words too much in this paragraph, try to be fancy with words, like French words are like.
Anyway, I really don't have much to say about this, but it's pretty impressive!
I'll do that. Thanks!
Oh! Hey it rhymes! Nice poem but the ending is sad for me general, you have to share stuff even with people with don't share with you.
But it's just a story!
Since the poem is short and has no mistake, I don't know what say so I will give you advice.
The thing I like about poems is that you can make the reader's emotions and feeling however you want in the end of the poem. How you do this? Give the MC emotions and readers will feel like they're on the poem itself!
"Don't Inspire people by your perfections instead, inspire them by how you deal with your imperfections."
(Quote by) ~Anonymous
Bye and keep writing with your great mind!
~MrMuddyPig!
Thanks for the review!