Young Writers Society

Hello, acm! Artemis28 here to review your lovely poem. Happy Review Day, too!

Okay, first of all, I found this in the script section. I don't think this is necessarily classified as a script--it should definitely go in poetry. So... I suggest you change that quickly.

Okay, now onto the nitpicks! There's a grammatical error here and also some punctuation needed. "It's," in the last line I pasted, should be "its". Easy mistake, so don't worry about it. Secondly, there should be a comma after "morning."

"She lay down in bed

on a Saturday morning

her mind having said

in its darkest corners

it's final warning..."

A little content stuff, right here! I like how you add personification, making the thoughts kind of like... protesters? But they're coming into the hall, bursting through the cracks... and scraping paint from the walls. What's up with scraping paint? It doesn't sound as dramatic and lively as the other actions. It kind of makes me see an old janitor scraping some paint off of the walls, or maybe some bored kid. Some other action, just as furious as the other two, would be great.

"The thoughts broke through

and stormed the halls

of what she once knew

flooding under the cracks

scraping paint from the walls..."

In the last stanza, you have repetition of a word. That's one thing I can't stand. "Sunk her sunken ship" is a bit repetitive, and I don't know how somebody would sink an already sunken ship. I mean, what?

" So as the thoughts flooded

and sunk her sunken ship

as they rooted and budded

she realized now too late

people come with cracks and chips"

Overall, I don't really get what the poem is saying. I mean, yeah, I saw this was the thoughts of an insane woman. Stuff about coats, dreams, words, cracks and chips... what does this all lead up to? What does it make the reader see? I would like you to evince that, make it clear to the reader. But you do make things sound very dramatic and all, and that's pretty great for the idea. I think, out of ten, I would rate you a seven on this work. Keep writing, acm!

-Artemis28

Hey there! I'm here for a fairly quick review.

So, I started out feeling fairly lukewarm about this poem, but as I read on it grew on me. I really like your imagery - in particular, I feel your last stanza, especially your last line, was really strong. I don't have a lot of time right now, so I'm going to give some overall advice.

1. Be concise. Watch out for awkward sentence structure and unnecessary words. You have a lot of that here, and it really bogs your poem down. Just to go over the last stanza:

So as the thoughts flooded
and sunk her sunken ship
as they rooted and budded
she realized now too late
people come with cracks and chips

Hi! Just a scrubby review from a scrubby reviewer! I saw this in the green room, and since I know how it feels to spend forevvveeerrr on something and have your darling little story stuck in the green room of nightmares for all eternity, I decided to drop by and read through this. I must start off on a more professional note, and say that over all, I am quite fond of this. I like the rhymes, and how you address such a dark topic. However, you have many errors. Please forgive me if I nit-pick, or if you disagree with my views.

The first error I see, although this may just be my fault, is that you don't make sense in certain sentences. "Her bed tightened its sheets, narrowed around her sides, with dirt pathway streets, through withering grass, through the tugging tides, Wind tore through the coats, wound by tears and cotton, and tightening throats, singing through the halls, of the thoughts now forgotten" is an example of that. You jump from how she is laying in her bed to scene of maybe a dirt road by the sea(?) to people mourning someone in a funeral(?) in a random hallway. Anyway, you do it without any transition, making it difficult to understand. There are some areas I can make sense of, but those areas are few and far between. Part of where I can make sense (and this is my favorite part) is where you talk of how she goes over words in her head until they become nothing but jumbled phrases, meaningless to all but her. I have one complaint about this bit, though. What words are she going over? Where did she hear them? Why is she going over them? Overall, your poem could us a bit more detail.

Another thing I noticed you have trouble with is punctuation. I hope you don't mind if I just copy and paste your poem here, complete with suggested punctuation. Anything I put in parentheses are things I suggest just you remove. Brackets are suggestions.

She lay down in bed

on a Saturday morning,

her mind having said

(in its darkest corners)

it's final warning.

The thoughts broke through

and stormed the halls

of what she once knew.

Flooding under the cracks,

scraping paint from the walls,

her bed tightened its sheets.

As it narrowed around her sides,

[please insert more details and transitions, my brain practically fried here, and I can't correct your punctuation if I don't know what you're trying to say]

with dirt pathway streets.

Wind tore through withering grass,

through the tugging tides,

through the coats [you should add a period here if you don't add anything, but I suggest you add whose coats these are]

[the coats are wound in cotten?] wound by tears and cotton,

and tightening throats.

[Again with nearly busting my brain here. Please put either who is singing such as "people" or put something like "voices"] singing through the halls

[Transitions PLEASE! Whose thoughts? I can guess that this is the thoughts of the person who died, but then, why would they be thinking? Are you trying to say that the woman is thinking about the deceased person, or the people thinking of them? If so, why are they now forgotten? Is it because it has been a long time since the funeral?] of the thoughts now forgotten

And the lamp lit by flame

that dwelled [just a quick thing, try rewording this sentence to make sure it makes sense] up in her mind,

through depression and shame.

It strung together the thoughts

until they began to unwind.

[again, TRANSITIONS!!!!]

Because the words she spoke

from her mind, not her heart [what words? why did she speak from her mind and not her heart? Why? When? To whom was she speaking?]

of a dream she had awoke.

One she'd lived in forever.

One she did never depart. [One she did never? Umm... try "one she never departed." instead. This is kind of bad grammer."]

So the thoughts flooded

and sunk her sunken ship. [sunk her sunken ship? how do you even sink something that is already underwater?]

They rooted and budded,

and she realized now, too late,

people come with cracks and chips. [How does this relate to the rest of the poem? Please make a few references maybe, earlier in your work?]

I think that is it for major errors, and sorry if I was too harsh. It's just that this has so much promise. You are a really talented writer, with a few corrections, I bet this will be out of the green room in no time! Don't give up on this, just because I pointed out a bunch of mistakes. Please keep writing, and have a good day!