One red bird
perched in the sky
feathers ruffling
ready to fly
Black birds.
huddled in the sky
with that one red bird,
something was awry
Black birds.
squawking on the breeze
Red Bird listening
with a sense of unease
~
One red bird
was he really meant to sing?
Was he really meant to soar
on his unsteady wings?
Black birds.
too fickle for them to sing.
Why waste their time
on such a silly thing?
~
One red bird
at the edge of the wire
reaching for the clouds
longing to fly higher
Black birds.
sit firmly on the wire
the red bird lost again
in their rough, squawking choir
~
One red bird
left the wire to take flight
reaching for the clouds,
in their fluffy white
Black birds.
terrified of flight
calling out to each other
clutching the wire tight
~
While one bird soared,
a spot of red in the blue,
some black birds took flight
yes, black birds, just a few
~
A few black birds soar,
red and black in the blue
up in the clouds
enjoying the view
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,568 Reviews
Hello there.
I actually think you can do a better job with the punctuation.
If you need or want to check how the full edit of mine for this work may look like, contact me and do not be shy to do it. There are commas missing and maybe fullstops too.
For my option about this story, I think it is great and shows what he call 'taking a risk' comparing it with a small red bird that feels like it does not need to be there. The rhyme was pretty sweet and smooth and the flow was going on well. But one spanza ruined it all suddenly for me.
One red bird
was he really meant to sing?
Was he really meant to soar
on his unsteady red wings?
At least for me, this spanza was off.
I hope I did not seem to be so rude or cruel. I hope you keep on writing and improving.
Thank you for the review! I'd be happy to see the edits. I'm always hesitant about punctuation in poems because I feel like I will go overboard and upset the flow, so some help would be great.
You can always ask me for something.
And I understand what you mean.
You just overthink it. Do it as you feel it needs to be. We are here to help, also.
Hey Acm!
This was a magnificent open. The flow was amazing and it really made the poem all the better! I did not find anything wring with the poem so fabulous job on that!
I like the lines:
"One red bird
left the wire to take flight
reaching for the clouds,
in their fluffy white"
They really tell the taking risk part of the poem. Your poem was very inspirational! I took this poem to the heart and I wish I was like the red bird. I could visualize this poem so clearly in y mind and it was a wonderful sight to imagine! Keep up the great work and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!