Young Writers Society

Hey acm, here for a Review Day review,

Positives:This is the first time I've read anything that feels like this. You've chosen such a controversial topic, death, and done something quite unique and original with it, and I liked it.

"Mommy, I'm making Gramma a card!"
said Abby with her crayons set on the table.
"That's great, Honey," her mother responded.
"Gramma's a bit... let's say, unstable."

"It's a deathday card," Abby replied.

"You're right, this is for the one.

Abby cheered and laughed
as they took it to the counter to pay.
She had found the perfect gift.
This was going to be the best deathday.

This is Kaos here for a review!

So this is an interesting concept for a poem, but I didn't really think it fit /being/ a poem? It didn't really feel like a poem to me, and I rarely say this sort of thing, but I think it could do better if it was written as a short story, if not that, rewritten into something that would better fit the poem. One of the first things that I noticed was the length, which is something that I didn't really think needed to be in the poem. The poem can be condensed into something shorter, but at the same time stronger since if it's shorter there's more attention on each individual stanza which is something that I think could be helpful here.

This seems typical from your poems as it kind of follows their style from what I've read from you before. The usage of dialogue is something that I wanted to mention, and I'm going to suggest to trim it just a bit because it starts to become a little excessive. The narrative here is probably the part with the most focus on it, and it should be that way because it is the part with the most potential. That being said, other areas here lacked, and I think that's due to your structure. The standard four-lined stanzas are something that I see go on a little frequent in your poetry, and I want you to try and experiment outside of that.

It's the entry-level structure to explore and it's good for an entrance into poetry and it's good for some poems, but I want you to explore and experiment outside of that because it restrains your imagery. And that's your weakness in this poem. There are a lot of potential things that could turn into imagery like the crayons and the mention of coffins and maybe even gravestones, so think more into that. I actually like the concept of this poem and I think it would make for an even better poem if you happened to apply imagery where imagery fits, because there's a lot of potential spots to fill.

Keep experimenting, editing, writing; keep going. I hope I helped and have a great day!

HEELLO acm,
A poem about a grandmother's deathday. This could be turned into a horror story. I like how you broke up sentences to make them look like stanzas in a poem.
Is Abby an innocent girl? It's as if she doesn't fully understand what the deathday is. To her, it's like a birthday rather than a funeral. Abby's mom doesn't try to explain either. I guess it's best that way.
Innocence. I bet after the deathday, Abby will never be the same again. I wish I was still innocent. But I've already seen too much, heard too much, been through to much- it's too late to turn back.

Stay innocent Abby,

Night Kaizer

I like this poem.