You hear about the lady in the shoe:
Yada, yada, nothing new.
But what would the story be if her spouse,
Hadn’t left her in stinky shoe that house?
And if the old lady had gone on vacation,
Out to a quiet island, a peaceful location.
She stayed there for a week or so before returning
With her children away, at school happily learning.
And she and her husband would both clean up,
Putting away each plate, fork, and cup.
Soon the house would be sparkling clean,
A shining shoe, what a sight to be seen!
So when the children ran home from a long day,
They’d rush back in, they’d know what to say:
“Oh, thank you, mother! The shoe looks so nice!"
The old lady smiled, as she gave her advice:
“Don’t ever try to do it alone,” she said
“Cleaning each table, making each bed.”
“When you have this many children, you know what to do:
Get back on top of it and do something new!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
RoyalHighness here for a quick review!
This was cute and fun and light! But before I spout praise, let's get to the nitty gritty.
It was perfect until I hit
This sounds a little awkward. I think it might be missing a syllable.
And here is the opposite; I think there's one too many syllables here. Also, who puts away a soup?
You need a quotation mark at the end there. Tiny typo, no worries.
I'd take out the comma there, just cause it's unnecessary. But if you'd like to keep that pause there, that's up to you.
This line doesn't need to start with a quotation mark. It's one of those weird rules wherein if you have long dialogue from a character followed by more long dialogue by the same character, you don't have to begin the second long bit with quotation marks. You do, however, still have to end it with quotation marks. Quotation marks are weird.
Other than those minor technicalities, I thought this was wittily and brilliantly written. You kept to the rhyme scheme expertly, without losing any details or over-explaining. Well done!
Thank you for the review! I'll fix that.
That was very entertaining! I really enjoyed reading that.
The format of the rhyming couplets made it very cute to read!
However, the line "Hadn't left her in stinky shoe that house?" doesn't quite make sense.
Overall, loved the poem and I thought it was an adorable stance on "The Little Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe."
I'm ever more excited to read some more of your work.