My pink fingers held so tight,
to the rusty metal chains,
Mother's smile told me it was alright
and Daddy pulled me back to the wind,
asking, "How does it feel to fly?"
My toes sat curled on the poolside,
the water glittered in the blinding sun,
I jumped, and Daddy smiled wide,
laughing, "How does it feel to fly?"
I walked onto stage proud,
my heart beating so hard,
but my eyes fell on Daddy's face in the crowd,
and he cheered as I gave my line,
mouthing, How does it feel to fly?
I threw my black cap into the air,
and hugged Daddy with a warm smile,
he grinned and ruffled my hair,
and mother took our picture,
grinning, "How does it feel to fly?"
I handed the newborn to him,
and he looked fondly at the pinched up face,
fluttering happiness filled me to the brim,
so he handed the baby back to me,
cooing, "How does it feel to fly?
But then it all fell,
it crashed to the ground,
a grave on a hill,
a dirt brown mound,
and a whisper of sorrow,
"Fly free."
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140,458 Literary Works • 673,229 Reviews
Hi, acm! Here's my two cents:
I really love this poem. I love the concept behind it, and how its simple structure tells an entire life story.
Just a little nitpicky grammar comment: "but my eyes fell (to, onto, down upon, etc.) Daddy's face in the crowd"
This line is so intense... so much is said in so few words. I think you should try to do that for each line, if that makes sense? Like, the way you told us he was dead was very profound; try to make the whole stanza that intense.
My favorite stanza is easily the one regarding the newborn baby: it's one of those scenes that I read and I'm like "This is exactly how I picture my dad seeing my child for the first time."
Overall, really really great job! The poem is clearly inspired and you've put a lot of heart into the lines. I'd love to know where you got your inspiration from
Thanks! I'll fix that.
This poem is very thought-provoking. I LOVE the repetition of the "How does it feel to fly?"
Great job!
Thank you!
Hello acm,
I love the repetition of the last line at the end of each stanza as it allows for a common theme throughout the poem. I enjoyed the organization of the poem with each stanza showing a progression of the narrator growing up. In the last line of the poem, "Fly Free," I feel like could use some revising. The last stanza provides a shift in the poem of the girl's father dying and her world falling apart, but I think it would make more of an impact if you kept the last line as "How does it feel to fly?" Keeping the last line as "How does it feel to fly?" could be done by creating a shift of the girl saying "How does it feel to fly?" to her father instead of the father saying it to her. It would create the effect of showing how the girl has grown up and matured and shows the reader that her father has passed.
Poem is beautiful so I hope this input helps!
I've had mixed replies on the last line. My other review said to change it to something else, so I'm still deciding what to do, but thanks for the review!
Hello Acm,
I love progression poems and I love the play on repetition, even saying so, I'm not too fond of the last line. Too predicable. I understand how it's supposed to work, with each scene and each continuation the phrase "How does it feel to fly" sort of transforms with the given context, so where in the beginning we get a solid arc of a young child growing into an adult and meeting life's obstacles with a deal of success, the realization of death is also a part of that. But we understand it the moment the line "Then death hit hard" is introduced, so by the time we get to the end, the "how does it feel to fly" at this point is almost like we're being beaten over the head with it. Sometimes, what's more poignant in a poem is when the poet chooses to break their repetition, when the poet chooses to deviate from what they've so carefully patterned.
Not only because it makes the poem more surprising at that moment where what we've come to expect is no longer there - but because it gives the poem more suspense. Thematically it would work well with the poem too. At the moment the father dies, if the refrain were to die too, that would be very powerful I think.
Now - I understand the note of hope at the end. But maybe you could brainstorm a more interesting way to deliver that hope? Food for thought!
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Thanks for the feedback. I'll work on that.