Stroking your skin with its soft, gentle touch,
but gone the instant you realize it's there,
to your tense back ruffling your hair,
taking you away on a kite of air.
The rush leaves your blood as your feet touch the ground,
you're addicted to the thrill of the wind through your veins,
the spark that electrified and powered your brain,
the bondings long gone that held you sane.
You tear the sky on your golden carriage,
clinging to the dying body of life,
shying away from a life full of strife,
but still too scared to plunge the knife.
When the carriage plummets back to earth,
the sky sighs a weary gust of relief,
you wish it to carry you no matter how brief
but the wind stays silent, mourning grief.
Our voices are now long lost on the wind,
tumbling through a once full abyss,
slipping from the happiness we so miss,
chasing the wind through the clear, blue bliss.
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,568 Reviews
Hello acm! racket here to review your poem!
Wow. This is one heck of an interesting piece of poetry. I really like your metaphors; they're o clear and interesting and your phrasing is amazing! I really enjoyed the imagery that you created, and the rhyme scheme is intriguing.
I do have a few questions/comments/rants/suggestions/etc., etc. to spill out in response to this poem, so bear with me!
The first would probably be just to touch down on your kind of strange choice that is the rhyme scheme here. Every second through fourth line of a stanza... it's kind of interesting and weird, mixed together with intelligence of though and description. What made you think to write the poem like that? It is slightly distracting, as it takes a bit away from your actual writing while the reader is trying to figure out what the pattern is and what they're reading and how it relates to previous and future lines etc., etc., so I would suggest going back and rereading a few times your poem to see if there is anyway you could, maybe, skip lines, opposed to rhyming three lines together and ignoring the rest.
Also, your capitalization. I understand that the capitalization of a poem is a writer's personal decision as to how they want the reader to read and think about the poem, but I think your poem might benefit more if you capitalized each line? Are you trying to go for a more mysterious, vague look on the wind, or a more intelligent, understand, proper point of view? If the former, I would take out all capitalization, if the latter, add it to every line. As it is, I think you should capitalize each line, but that really is a personal preference and it is your choice as to how you want your poem to be read and understood.
This line, technically, does not make sense. I don't think 'bondings' is a word. Maybe 'bindings'? I still think, even with 'bindings', this line is a bit confusing. I think rephrasing it would really help the reader understand your point on the first read and allow them to continue on reading, opposed to stopping and going back to figure it out, which ultimately kind of destroys the flow of the poem. :/
In your third stanza... Did the wind turn to suicidal? The poem got a little deep for clashing atoms flying around in the air, so I'm trying to figure out the meaning of this stanza.
Oxymoron, much? Dying body of life... Wind doesn't really have a body... I feel like I'm missing an important, really deep metaphor here. Maybe you could add a bit more to the poem to clear that up?
Well, overall, I did really enjoy this poem. It's very well written, and as I said at the beginning, amazingly phrased with awesome, awesome imagery. I hope this review can help you make your poem even better! I can't wait to read more, so keep up the great work!
~racket
Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this really quite nice poem.
I quite like the imagers you have in here. You keep the same pattern of images throughout the poem, which is really nice and it keeps the whole thing together. I only have a couple of suggestions for you.
Brevity
Several of your lines are practically bursting at the seams with all the big words they use. Try to make your message more concise, and take out any unnecessary words. Keep in mind that lines with a lot of big words that don't sound similar will often be difficult to read without tripping over, and will feel cluttered. Also, keep in mind your poem doesn't have to rhyme. You do it pretty well, so I'm not going to say take it out completely, but if while you're revising it you have a hard time with it, don't be afraid to break the pattern a bit.
Emotion
Oftentimes more simple language is more emotional language, and that will help readers feel the emotions you're trying to convey more easily. For example, your line "you're addicted to the energy of the wind through your veins." "Energy" doesn't usually have very strong emotions associated with it, but if you were to replace it with something like "thrill," or "power," that evokes a much more powerful connotation. Even better would be something like "the thrill/power of the wind pounding in your veins," since that makes it feel more immediate to the reader.
Something else you could do to make it more emotional is to switch the parts that are in past tense to present tense, since that also makes it feel more immediate.
And that's all I've got for you! I hope I could be helpful. Good luck and keep writing!
Thanks for the review! I'll fix that.
Hola! I reviewed a lot of fiction during review day so I decided I'm going to linger in the poetry forums for the rest of the month
Try to avoid repeating life in these two lines. You could use world instead for the second instance or mind or heart or something more interesting like an exoskeleton of strife or 'from bones cracked open by strife'.Specifics
1. I think a lot of time you're better to use one strong adjective instead of two simple ones so I'd suggest changing 'soft, gentle' to tender or something along that line? You'd also get a nice alliteration of tender touch.
2. Instead of 'realize it's there' which doesn't have an image behind it, you could make this more visual by using 'turn your head' or 'open your eyes'. The more visual the more immersed your readers will be.
3. 'chained you sane' is a little awkward and feels like you're forcing the rhyme. Perhaps 'held you sane' would flow a little smoother or 'made you sane'.
4.
5. I'm not sure whether this is wind or wind as in mind here but it doesn't quite work for me, especially since you use wind later in the stanza. Maybe you could use gust or or wisp instead? Something small which is compatible with a sigh.
Overall
This is a cute poem but I think you could do a lot more with the imagery and choose your words more carefully. At the moment it feels like you're forcing a couple of the rhymes and your lines don't have a set number of syllables so the rhythm isn't there which is a shame because that would really add to the poem - if it was a constant, consistent rhythm it would sound like the wind. That would be cool.
I like the theme though, the idea that chasing the wind feels more like the wind is chasing you and that you get swallowed up by it.
Best of luck with this!
~Heather
Thanks for the review! I'll change that.
Hello there acm!
I really love this poem. And YOU really love the wind! Reminds me of a beloved friend that loves storms.... I really like how in each stanza the last word in the last three lines rhyme. I've seen most with line one having a word, then line to has a word that doesn't rhyme with line one but rhymes with line four. Sorry, thats kinda confusing. Anyway I really liked the golden carriage part. Reminds me of some Greek myths. :~)
Some small nitpick:
"Stroking your skin with its soft gently touch,"
I would replace "gently" with gentle. But thats a small thing.
Its was actually hard to find something to critique, which is a good thing. IT means you wrote it write. Good job for an 11 year old! I'm curious to see more of your work!
~Basia
Thanks for the review! I'll fix that.