While I was walking from my bedroom,
I stumbled into air,
My foot slid through the emptiness,
And I fell down the stairs,
I hung there for about a second,
Trapped in slow motion,
Then it all sped back up to normal,
Back to weightless a notion,
I hit the bottom at full force,
It was a splitting pain,
My shins took the brunt of the hit,
My ankle took a sprain,
I was sprawled out on the floor,
When my mother came down,
But I got no sympathy,
Just a disapproving frown.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This speaks to me in a deeper meaning then just simply you falling down the stairs. We are forced in our mandatory English classes to read poems and short stories with secret different meanings behind each line. We learn to take everything as something different. I took this poem as the stairs you mean life and when you fell in life you got the disapproving frown from your family. This is a poem I can see in our future literature books. Keep on keeping on.
Great poem. Just a few comments. I think the choice to keep it short is okay except for the fact that it almost feels as though your poem isn't finished. Maybe somethings missing or it just ends in a rather awkward place. Nevertheless. I can't help but feel like there should be more, in a way. I also think that although the rhyming is clever, it may be taking away from the poem more than adding to it. I also agree with previous review that there are some errors in your wording. ( stumbled on to air)...I also wanted to note, in the last stanza, the lines where pain is rhymed with sprain. I don't feel like these lines flow all that great. I think this was definitely one where the rhyme took over and the words lost their meanings, in a sense. I hope this is somewhat helpful. Nice job.
Thanks for the review! I tried to keep it short, but maybe I'll add an ending to it.
Hey! Mr Muddy Pig here! Now since this poem is short same goes with this review.
Oh and by the way WELCOME TO YMS!
Ok this has a nice ryhme and no mistakes. But to make this a review, I will give some advice.
<extra characters redacted by site staff>
Advice:
When you're writing a poem and you finsh, make your mom or dad or even your annoying big brother read it. Tell them what they feel about the poem and tell them to fix your mistakes.
If your family is busy, just copy and paste your story to a windows document, it will correct mistakes for you.
Now bye and keep writing with your great mind!
~MrMuddyPig!
Thank you! I'll definitely follow your advice.
Ok, this is even shorter than my poems (Sort of). There are quite a few mistakes here though:
"I stumbled onto air"
"And I fell down the stairs"
"Air" and "stairs" don't rhyme.
And you capitalize words in the beginning without a period in the last sentence.
You should put commas in the end of a sentence.
You also used "And" too much, at least in my opinion...
Anyways, this was GGRREEAATT!!!
If you made stairs singular, then it would be a perfect rhyme: Air/stair, but since stairs was plural, it's a near rhyme. As for the commas, I'll go right back and fix it. Thanks for the review!
No problem!
I read the first line and I was already pretty happy with this poem. I find this very cute and humorous! Falling down the stairs is a funny approach that not many people would go for, probably because they couldn't find the words to describe it other than "I fell."
But you did quite well, until I reached the beginning of the last stanza.
This line is in present tense, while the rest of the poem is in past tense. I would keep the same tense throughout the poem, as some things may tend to confuse your readers. It didn't confuse me, but it was definitely a little mistake.
I'm glad you took the time to create a rhyming scheme for a subject so simple, it's quite well done.
It might flow a bit better if you leave out the "and." Just a thought!
Nice work.
✖︎
Thank you for your review! It was really helpful. I'll go back and change those things.
No problem! ^-^