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E - Everyone

I'll save you, then the rest of the world.

by acm

When fires erupt from the earth,
when there's ice under the summer sun.
I'll forget about the rest of the world
because without you, we're already done.

I will build a space ship one day
for a planet the people can escape to.
But if there's one person to hurtle through space with,
I'll hurtle alone just with you.

When the sun dies in a supernova
and the world is forever dark,
I'll retreat underground with only you
and only you will be my last spark. 

One day we may face the end together.
When we're low, low at out worst
I'll save the whole world just for you.
But I'll always save you first.

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Wed Nov 30, 2016 10:56 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review!

The first thing that I picked up on is the rhyming in this poem which I wasn't particularly fond of but it didn't really weigh down on the poem in say, a negative manner. It's just there and to me and that's kind of the worst place there is for rhyming, because it doesn't really /do/ anything. I didn't really see a reason for this poem to be formatted in this way and the rhyme only puts restraints on anything else like imagery or description trying to get through.

From what I understand, the poem is about the end of the world and how the speaker would save the person that this poem was directed to first. This is an interesting theme but you don't really explore the idea of saving the people you love first or anything of that sort. The poem kind of builds up all the way to the ending, we get the punchline, and it's done. The poem seems to have been centered all around that last two lines and didn't really have much of a purpose other than that. They're an interesting two lines, but they're not enough to hold a whole poem together. If you're going to build around it, you have to have interesting details along with it. Explore with the idea of saving people first over bias here.

The imagery in this poem is something that I wanted to touch on, because I felt it was a weaker part of the poem. It was minimal and there was little of it, and what was here didn't really have any emotional impact. The lines don't really have any power behind them in this except for the ending of the poem, which goes along with imagery. Give us stronger details, expand on what you're trying to describe, use all five of the senses to create an atmosphere. Metaphors and similes would also do well in this poem because of the whole space thing going on.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

acm says...

Thank you for the review! I'll work on those suggestions.

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99 Reviews

Points: 603
Reviews: 99

Wed Nov 30, 2016 2:57 am
Remington38 wrote a review...

Remington38 here, pleasure to meet you.

Aghhh this was so cute and the feeling aghhh. I honestly wish I could give this another star because it was so cute and flowed to elegantly. The rhymes fit together like clockwork and I loved the emotion behind it; because it was so simple I think that made it even more elegant and not over complicated. It was short, sweet, and directly tells the emotion. I really liked this and wouldn't honestly want this on a Valentine's Day card with a little spaceship on it.
(I am a sci fi dork if you hadn't figured it out yet XD)

acm says...

Thank you for your review! I'm so glad you liked it.

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200 Reviews

Points: 60
Reviews: 200

Wed Nov 30, 2016 2:46 am
kman134 wrote a review...

Hi. this is kman134 here. I'm here to review your work.

I enjoyed the scifi romanticism of the poem. I can see the protagonists' want to save the one person he/she cares for. you mentioned a lot of apocalyptic scenarios, which is perfect. the realism of it made it better. the spaceship building to save that one person reminded me of superman, for some reason.

Anyway, i like the poem. hope you write more.

acm says...

Thank you for the review!

Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill