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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Death That Happens While You're Eating

by acm


They sat at the big, polished table together.
and the youngest whined for her food,
she of course, was no younger than twelve,
but her parents still allowed her to be rude.

The middle child was absorbed in herself.
She checked her eye shadow in the mirror
before reapplying her sparkly lip gloss,
then turning her head to see the other side clearer.

The eldest could only be described as a snob.
She knew that she was, of course, the best,
she knew no other prettier girl in the world:
She was the cutest, and the very best dressed.

So they waited for their meal together.
The youngest got pizza and french fries.
Her parents knew it was bad for her,
but they couldn't resist when she batted her eyes.

The middle child was calorie counting.
All of her food was for her diet,
And getting her that special low fat food
was the only way they kept her quiet.

The eldest was a vegan,
(though she cheated once in awhile).
She had dieted before like her sister,
but now veganism was in style.

Outside their house, a few blocks down,
was an old man, lying dying on the street side.
Starved and malnourished, he shook in the wind.
Just longing for a warm place inside.

Finally the three sisters got their food,
The youngest grumbled about why it took so long,
the middle talked about her chicken-only diet,
and the eldest said that eating animals was 'so wrong'.

And after they'd finished their gourmet dinners,
and were satisfied and well fed,
the man lying out on the sidewalk
was dead.


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Tue Jul 05, 2016 6:01 pm
ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



The title of this poem really drew me in as eating can be associated with survival, nourishment or even life itself, so death happening in an act that is seemingly life-giving was an interesting concept which set the scene for this narrative.

"The middle child was absorbed in herself.
She checked her eyeshadow in the mirror,
before reapplying her sparkly lip gloss,
then turning her head to see the other side clearer."

The commas at the end of these sentences, I felt were not necessarily needed as there is already enjambment used to create a pause.

"So they waited for their meal together."

I would've removed the word, "So", here.


"Her parents knew it was bad for her,
but they couldn't resist when she batted her eyes."

"The middle child was calorie counting."

"The eldest was a vegan,"

I liked they way you portrayed how the parents treat their children according to their behavior, no sense of discipline. This may imply the parents had a role to play in what they became. I also like the way the dynamic and characterisation of each sister is different, the way they each have a different relationship with food; the reader learns a lot about this family from the dinner table alone. I think this poem would also work very well as a short story.


"Outside their house, a few blocks down,
was an old man"

I thought the introduction to the "old man", was a little late in the poem, however, I understand there are other interpretations of why you may have chosen this, I particularly like the interpretation of the reviewer below of the old man being an after-thought, or forgotten about. This represents many people in society who are forgotten and die without acknowledgement because people mainly only look at their own lives, which you captured brilliantly in the final stanzas.


I enjoyed reading this and I hope to read more works like this. Hope this review helped.


-Chips




acm says...


Thanks for your review! It was very helpful.



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Fri Jun 24, 2016 5:26 pm
rainforest says...



This will forever be one of my favorite poems on YWS.




acm says...


Thanks you so much! I'm glad you liked it!



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Thu Jun 23, 2016 7:29 am
Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hey there! I really like the message behind this poem, you've portrayed this family as the centre focus of the poem - the man is only mentioned briefly and I interpreted that as almost saying that this man has been forgotten about . Furthermore, I thought the last line was very sudden and effective in giving a definite and shocking ending. Although one thing I would say ... You've put " once and awhile" , shouldn't it be "once in awhile" . Overall, this is awesome so well done ! :D




acm says...


Thank you for the review! I'll fix that.



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Thu Jun 23, 2016 7:29 am
Laurenh6 says...



Hey there! I really like the message behind this poem, you've portrayed this family as the centre focus of the poem - the man is only mentioned briefly and I interpreted that as almost saying that this man has been forgotten about . Furthermore, I thought the last line was very sudden and effective in giving a definite and shocking ending. Although one thing I would say ... You've put " once and awhile" , shouldn't it be "once in awhile" . Overall, this is awesome so well done ! :D




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Thu Jun 23, 2016 1:18 am
felistia wrote a review...



Hi acm, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Title: It took me a little while to work out what your title meant. Now that I've realized what you meant to say, I'd say that this is the perfect title for your poem. :D

Theme: I really liked the theme you had going through out the poem. I completely agree with the message of not taking thing for-granted and to give to others who don't have. I wish more people would read this poem. :D

Description: The description in the poem was great. It gave me a clear picture of what you were trying to say. I really liked how you gave each of the three sisters a personality. It gave the poem more emotional weight and got me really invested in the poem before you delivered the really important message. I do feel like you could have given the old man more of a personality though. :D

Grammar and Punctuation: I couldn't find anything wrong with your punctuation or grammar. :D

Overall this was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D




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Wed Jun 22, 2016 5:19 pm
ticktock123 wrote a review...



Hi Acm!

I just wanted to say that this poem is amazing! It is so true, and everyone can see themselves in at least one of the 3 sisters. You presented them as the stereotypes for each age group in our society today and then the twist with the old man at the end was amazing. He represented the other half of our society that so many people ignore.

This poem was so powerful, and the rhyming made it even better. If there was one thing, maybe add a "she" to the line: "but they couldn't resist when batted her eyes" after the "when" so it's like: "but they couldn't resist when she batted her eyes" - I think it would flow better - just an idea though.

Other than that, amazing poem! Please keep writing :-)

Tick Tock



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ticktock123 says...


just realized Wunderbar said the same thing as me about the "she" - sorry ;-)



acm says...


Thanks for the review! I'll fix that.



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Wed Jun 22, 2016 5:15 pm
Werthan wrote a review...



The last line needs to be a little longer to fit the poem like "was now lying there dead". Also any poem that ends on "was dead" is just going to make me think of Erlkönig. This poem also has the exact same rhyme scheme and meter as Erlkönig, and has 9 verses while Erlkönig has 8. Have you read Erlkönig by any chance? I mean besides that your poem is not much like it at all so don't bother if you haven't read it. Also, "but they couldn't resist when batted her eyes" is missing a "she".




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Wed Jun 22, 2016 12:44 pm
RadiantShadow wrote a review...



Hi I am here to leave you a review.

This poem really made me tear up because it stung in a way. I do realize how I in particular tend to forget what is happening around me. I am the kind of person that loves living with the phrase "ignorance is bliss" but I never do not competently. I am aware of things around me but when I help it feels like I have done only a minor thing so I tend to close my eyes and walk away. Reading this poem made me realize, I am not the only person who does this, WE ALL DO THIS, and it is a shame. Shame that we allow there to be poor people around when we throw away our food and all we do is complain.

Your poem was written beautifully. It captured the scenario perfectly, the family dynamic displays all the hypocrisy in this world. The parents seem to do nothing as they are the older generation who couldn't care less. The twelve year old is in her own little world (not that u can blame a twelve year old) The other two daughters are unfortunately how most of the people live today. We think of ourselves primarily, then we think about animals when in all honesty most do not become vegan just for the animals but for themselves and to seem to be in trend.

The last three stanzas came full circle as they captured the lack on empathy. The fact you only gave a little importance to the homeless man made the message more clear.

(sry if this seems like a ramble) I can't find anything to suggest to improve on. A star well deserved.

~RS




acm says...


Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked it.



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Wed Jun 22, 2016 4:16 am
EverStorm says...



:( That was beautifully sad. Great writing.




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Wed Jun 22, 2016 2:21 am
mihaivisan wrote a review...



At a first glance, the title made me believe I was about to read some sort of vegan propaganda. I don't like vegan propaganda.

I pushed through, though, and was rewarded with a poem dealing with a (surprisingly) serious theme. Right off the bat, I give it a star for tackling something other than love or depression (something that I read a lot about around here; also, something that I write about a lot).

I read it thrice and I still find so satisfying the way you painted the picture; actually, it's more like a two-way mirror. On one side, there are three girls at the table; on the other side, it's us, the people who often scoff at our plates full of food, forgetting about the ones who are less fortunate than us.

The changes I would suggest:

"They sat at the big, polished table together. / The youngest whined for her food," - The first line ends with a period, as it serves the purpose of introducing the characters. Also, ending the first line with a period would go hand in hand with the next two stanzas. The adverb 'loudly' disappears, for adverbs are unnecessary; how else would she whine?

"She checked her eyeshadow in the mirror, / before reapplying her lip gloss" - 'checked', instead of 'checked out'. The adjective 'sparkly' disappears.

"She knew of no other like her in the world, / She was the cutest, the very best dressed" - I feel that it has a better rhythm like this.

"So they waited for their meal together. / (...) / but they couldn't resist when she batted her eyes" - Again, the first line ending with a period. Re-writing the last line of the stanza gives it a better rhythm.

The seventh stanza has a strong concept, revealing a new character, one that had been sort of hidden behind a curtain all long. His presence is at the core of the contrast between the ones who have too much and the ones who have nothing; that being said, I did not enjoy much this stanza. The idea behind it was splendid and I think it would benefit greatly from a rewrite.

The poem ended (for me) on a simple, almost comical note. The man died, simple as that. It was a fitting end to a poem that, despite the numerous suggested changes, I enjoyed quite a lot. I see you have published a lot of works, I hope you keep at it, because you have it in you.

It, The Force.
Kudos.




acm says...


Thank you for the helpful review! I will make those changes.




Writing is the geometry of the soul.
— Plato