Author's note: My entry for the YWS Hunger Games. Prompt: Write a poem on a historical event, so I chose the first marathon. He fought in the battle, so I wrote it as I see him--wounded.
A lone man runs along an ancient, beaten trail,
images swirling like a raging cyclone of misery,
tumbling down in a whirlpool that draws him inside.
A beach stained crimson by friends’ heroic deaths,
lacerated by the bitter flavor of wretched battle,
destroyed by engraved scars the Persians left behind.
Lost behind him in a sea of sweltering pain lies the order.
Carry this message to Athens with all speed,
in case the Persians take them by surprise.
They need not be afraid. They need not surrender.
We have conquered them today, and will do so again if needed.
Now go.
A lone man runs along an ancient, beaten trail.
his torn feet fall heavily onto the dusty ground,
leaving a track of bloody footprints behind him.
His slashed hands shake with an intensity he cannot control,
while he grits his shattered, bloody teeth,
and clenches his icy fists till they're white as snow.
A beautiful sight of iron and stone enraptures him,
his trembling gaze meeting Athens with a tattered sigh.
teardrops mingle with the sweat and blood,
sketching a crooked line down his haggard face,
caressing the edges of his peeling lips with a smile.
A lone man runs along an ancient, beaten trail.
blooming flowers welcome his warrior grime,
watching him tumble past them in a final effort.
We have conquered, falls out in raspy tones,
and his eyes roll forward as his willpower releases its grip,
his body crashing to the ground with finality, never to run again.
Small children kneel on the warm street stones,
touching the distorted footprint he stained behind.
Footprints that began the morning in hope.
Footprints that ran the evening in war.
Footprints that ended the night in death.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
That was a masterpiece of words. Also, it was very moving when I read it. A lump actually rose in my throat! BTW, I love your picture avatar!! Calvin and Hobbes is one of my favorite comics of ALL TIME!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Calvin is the best! Thanks for the lovely comment!
Did you read the one where Calvin brings a demon snowman to life? That's my alltime favorite.
Hi Timmy!
There really isn't too much to say when it comes to this poem. I've already told you this is definitely one of your best ones ^.^ It has the story in it and such carefully chosen words the imagery just builds and builds and doesn't stop. I love it <3 Since I've last seen it as well the rhythm as improved a lot, because at times I thought it was missing those little connecting words that can make all the difference when it comes to things like this. So now it was easier to read. Also you got rid of the capitalization at the beginning of every line! Yay!
One thing about capitals now, is that you've sometimes got them lowercase when before them was a full stop. This happened about once or twice, but make sure you correct it. Because throughout most of this you distribute capitals like you would in a sentence, and I wouldn't disrupt that pattern.
I feel like you need a full stop at the end of the word 'trail'. Also, there is something missing in the next two lines that make the connection from the images swirling to how it is affecting him other than drawing him inside. Something like, 'images swirling like a raging cyclone of misery/distracting him as he tumbles down in a whirlpool, drawing him away.' I hope this is making sense, but we need the point of the images being mentioned, what they are doing which is drawing him inside.
I don't know if that makes sense :/ Shouldn't it be with haste? Or at full speed, or with all the speed or something? I just feel like again, it's missing one vital word.
These two lines need another connecting word. Whether it be 'haggard face and/ caressing the edges...' or 'haggard face/that caress the edges of his...' But there is something missing which would help make the sentence a complete one.
I would make the line with 'releases its grip' a sentence with a full stop. That means the next line is it's own sentence apart as well, which also gives it more of a sense of finality in itself.
Stained behind doesn't make sense. How about left behind? Or if you want to show the ground was stained with his footstep, just say 'distorted footprint that stained the ground.'
Other than those minor points, there is really nothing more to add. You've got a lot of works about running or war, you know ^.^ I think this one was great because we get to see the message and feel his tiredness and agony due to running while injured, and lastly see him fall to his death, and how the others react to it afterwards. We really get to see the journey as he goes along with it. I love it! Keep this type of writing
Deanie x
Thank youuuuuuu!!
I will fix those nitpicks.
Sadly, it wasn't good enough to get a good score in the games, though.
a seven.
That's not too bad at all, you know.
Nah. I was just hopin, ya know?
I love your ability to use the scene both mentally and physically. Mentally you have made people know exactly what the person is thinking. I have not seen the hunger games (yes I know I'm late, however I have other things to put my energy towards maybe I will get around to it someday) and yet I know the pain that this man is feeling. He has lost his people. He sees the misfortune of life: death. Physically the detailing is amazing. When I read a story that's what gets me hooked. How well is the big parts of the story detailed? You can move towards novels and make sure you put the two detailing in there. If your heart is in poetry (which I understand) just move the same principles into whatever you write and you'll have a good poem. I read a poem recently that had a real good connectivity to the audience. I might suggest that you write something that people may relate better to. This poem is a great poem I must say in the sense of detailing. You make me feel like the person.
Thank you for the review!
Squire r4 here to review, timmyjake. I certainly hope this helps
Here is the only nit-pick I could find in the entire text."teardrops mingle with the sweat and blood," teardrops should be capitalized. Other than this you did a pretty good grammatical job.
I like the setting of this poem. The only thing that bothered me was that the same phrase "A lone man runs along an ancient, beaten trail keeps coming up over and over again. I that once or twice would be good enough." (Note that I think this phrase would be another appropriate title for this poem).
I thought that the length of the poem was just right. It wasn't too long and it wasn't too long and it wasn't too short. I also like the historical content in it. (I am a history buff). I was glad that you didn't change history like some people do when they write historical poems. Overall I think that I would give this poem five out of five stars. XD
I hope this helps you. Well I guess that is just about all that I have to say. Happy writing!!!
Thank you for the review!
Very helpful.
Whoah! What a moving re-telling of the first marathon. I have heard the story but your version was extremely emotive. I loved the bit about the bloody footprints and his injuries from his run. It shows how much the marathon takes out of you which I also found quite powerful.
Also I love Greek (and also Roman for that matter) mythology but this story is every bit as awesome. Are you a fan of Ancient Greece too? The title intrigued me and then I just had to read it when I discovered what it was about.
Good luck with the Hunger Games challenge.
I am a HUGE fan of ancient Greece. I love the history behind those times.
Thanks for the review and wishing me luck!
I don't know what it is about it but I love astrology (I can name the star signs) and my favourite bit was always the gods and their powers. How amazing is it that those tales have survived to this day?