Author's note: This is my first song ever written. It could also be seen as a poem with a refrain, so whichever it seems to you, I guess. Let me know what you think, and honestly. Thanks for reading! Critique freely. :D
They say that my life is a sad book,
And I roam around about in its crannies and nooks.
My life wanders about, having no rhyme or reason.
All through time I go, heeding not the season.
Not watching the clock nor the signs in the sky,
Echoing that my life is a long lie.
All my life I have kept my feet on the ground,
At times, I wonder… Is that logic sound?
To stay below, never smiling or seeing.
I am tired of just standing here, only being.
I want to go in a straight line,
To follow the right path at least one time.
Now I will try to fly!
I need to find that silver-lining way up in the sky!
To find my life and where I belong,
Not just wander about in my sad, and lonely song.
Where I belong……..
My heart yearns to feel the gentle breeze.
To coast down and around with the wind, like the leaves.
But a part of me still hangs on.
Hanging on to that slow and gloomy song.
My eyes catch sight of others flying on cloud.
And I begin to push away the shroud.
That object which kept me back for so many years,
causing so many lonely tears.
My hands become as wings and I soar.
I shall stay on the ground no more.
Nothing will hold me down!
I’ll never leave the place I found!
And now I will fly!
I have found that silver-lining way up in the sky!
I know the reason of my life and where I belong!
And I will not just wander about in my sad and lonely song.
Now I will fly, way up in the sky! ----------
Yes, now I fly… --------
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139,816 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Oh jeez...
I love this
I'm honestly REALLY jealous XD
I make song lyrics but I prefer listening to other...
This would BE AN AMAZING SONG!!!
I AM JEALOUS
If someone asks would you let them use the lyrics as long as they give you all the credit? *hint hint* XD
Yeah I really like but don't worry I wont steal it
I prefer using my own lyrics because I hate it when others steal peoples stuff.
Anyway Yeah GREAT JOB!!!
Aww... thank you so much! That is really encouraging.
well it's true XD
It's very easy to visualize as a song..
Also if you had a certain Idea of how you wanted your song to sound you could
1. use / to tell apart stanzas
2. Separate by entering
Either way it's awesome
I just wasn't sure If you wanted it to sound different than it reads...
IT'S REALLY GOOD!
And yet another greeting! *waves*
This is O.K., although I am not a big lyrics fan when I don't know the tune.
What do you mean in the last line of the first verse when you say that your life is a lie? It is a reasonably powerful sentence, but it doesn't seem right in this context somehow.
in the ultimate and penultimate lines you have little-----dashes------;why? I don't see how they add anything, and they trip up the rhythm somewhat.
in the antipenultimate verse I feel that it doesn't scan well on the second line. I can see what you are trying to do there, but it just stumbles a bit.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
thanks!
Great Song! I really like the lyrics here. I can really see it being put to a song. I like how realistic it is, but it still has a whimsical quality that really appeals to the soul in a special way.
"My heart yearns to feel the gentle breeze.
To coast down and around with the wind, like the leaves.
But a part of me still hangs on.
Hanging on to that slow and gloomy song."
I'd put a comma in after 'leaves' instead of a period because technically, you're not supposed to start a sentence with the word 'but'. I'd also replace the period after 'on' with a comma because having a period after makes the next phrase more of a well....phrase and you really want it to be part of the initial thought.
Other than that, great work and I look forward to seeing more of your pieces!
Thanks for review, sis!
Hi Timmy! wow for your first song...... this is really good. Because the concept here is excellent, also the language and the imagery here is also stunning. You've managed a line by line rhythm that makes it work even more. This makes your listeners feel that even though things can be rough a sliver of hope id still their.
Thanks!
Hey Timmy, if this is the first time you have written any lyrical poems, than I am impressed. Because the concept here is excellent, also the language and the imagery here is also stunning. You have managed a line by line rhyme, though some of it seems forced. It still conveys your message across to the readers. What I like about this poem, is of course the positive message that no matter how bad things are, there will always be that one silver lining that allows us to soar through.
However, I do have one suggestion to make. The rhythm, in this poem is very inconsistent. Is like reading a whole lot of sentences together with random breaks. Try reading it out loud several times before finding a rhythm and then try shaping your poem to it.
Overall, wonderful poem! Hope to hear more from you!
-S.s
Thank you so much! I will work on that! And yes, it is my first attempt at that.
Well, looks like you have a lot of potential down the road to greatness! xD
Any suggestions on certain parts that need changing? I'm going to read it over and work on it...
There is a lot of ands in your poem, and some sentences are too long. Try breaking down and put them together again. Like a jigsaw puzzle.
Well, I did some work on it... Don't be afraid to just tell me certain spots if you see them.
Is it any better now? 
Well, I did some work on it... Don't be afraid to just tell me certain spots if you see them.
Is it any better now? 
I can see improvements and I can still see places where you can improve. ;D but is better. I shall point it out when I get my hands on a computer. In a PM perhaps?
Hi there,
I read this over a couple of times and I quite liked it. I like the description and imagery you use, and the way you incorporated the use of the sky was a clever idea.
I also liked the way how you weren't afraid to be expressive by using exclamation marks to show your emotion. Poetry should be about emotion, and I think you've realised that and utilised it well.
As for improvements, I would probably consider reading it out loud and just articulating all the words to make sure it flows well. Poetry and song is mostly about consistency so make sure you have that when you write any piece. I thought it was nice, and it had a good happy ending.
Well done and keep writing, I think it's got a lot of potential.
H.L.P
Thank you so much for your review! I will work on that.