trace our footsteps back to the river,
the swallows,
the tender blossoms.
you’d wait for the blooms to cut through their shell—
like tortoises, afraid to see what lie beyond.
But we always saw.
in time, all beauty fades into echoes of yesterday,
forgotten as the leaves of spring sliding down the chilling air of Autumn,
left to decay and die.
and yet as they fall, the leaves drape around me in a last farewell—
the last memory, the last touch.
(remain a flower in bloom, a leaf blowing in the wind)
The ground holds nothing for you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,046 Literary Works • 672,930 Reviews
Very beautiful
<3 Thank you
Hey!!
I really liked this poem and all the emotion in it. I also enjoyed the unique style; it didn't exactly follow any rules and I liked that. It was very free and open and it expressed your thoughts.
The only thing I noticed that may have been a little off was the tenses of your verbs seemed to change around a lot and not be consistent. As a fan of writing poetry, I understand that sometimes poems don't always follow all grammar rules and often beat to their own drum, however I feel like in your case there were a few times that the inconsistency may have hurt you instead of helped. I would just recommend taking extra care when selecting verbs!!:)
Overall, I really did like it and I hope you write more like this! Have a good day!
Thanks for your review! Yes, it's very free and open. xD The way I like writing poems ^^
I'll check those tenses and fix those that are incorrect. Thanks for pointing that out! Thank you.
Fantasydragon01 in the house!!!!!!!!
I am a fan of poetry and songs. I am not just any fan, but a DIE-HARD fan of poetry.
I like what you got here. I do not think I have seen this style of poetry before. But it is interesting to see. It is always fun to discover new types of poetry. This style is very cool.
When it comes to rhythm and smoothness, I think I will give you 4 stars for them.
This is also poetic and vivid, as the words are used in such an interesting and creative way. I like that. Who does not like "...all beauty fades into echoes of yesterday...?" I, for one, really like that verse.
Everything seems to be grammatically correct. I did not see any errors whatsoever. All in all, I found no mistakes. *heads to the "like" button*.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.
A dragon in the house? o.0 RUN!
*coughs* anywho
Thank you for reviewing this for me - very helpful. And thank you for the like, too! This is, um, an instant style? xD Basically free-verse, how I wanted to see it.
Hey there! Hadj here to review your poem! (thus earning his third star ^.^)
Criticism
Punctuation/Capitalization
I know that different poems feature a lot of different styles of punctuation, but the inconsistency in this poem rather bothered me, and it made it awkward to see. It might look/feel cleaner if you start either all sentences in lower case, or all of them in caps, rather than the current inconsistency.
Nitpicks
"afraid to see what lie beyond" should be
"afraid to see what lie#ff0000 ">s beyond"
"forgotten as the leaves of sprint sliding down the chilling air of Autumn"
Could use a , somewhere because right now its a rather confusing run-on, and was awkward to read.
It bothered me how your repetition was slightly inconsistent:
"a last farewell"
"the last memory"
"the last touch"
This may have been intentional, but personally, i think it would flow nicer and better emphasize the repetition if you used either "a" or "the" all three times.
Praise
I really enjoyed reading this poem. It wasn't clear at first, which forces the reader to think while reading it. The metaphors were creative and carefully implemented, and I enjoyed the broken/detached flow. The meaning behind it seemed sincere, and it was overall very nice to read.
Great job and keep writing,
~Hadj
Thank you for your thoughts, and for your review. It'll help my edits with this poem - as well as for my future pieces!
this poem is a good solid piece of art. i suggest you categorize it properly as else it lacks the attention it definitely deserves.
i like your thought and certainly this is unique however i have some doubts and nitpicks-
is the alignment of the first three lines intentional, if so then why? i don't think they help much other than making an interesting appearance.
"you’d wait for the blooms to cut through their shell—" i am quite unfamiliar with flowers that come in a shell, was that meant to be " bombs", i think ' bombs" would suit better.
"(remain a flower in bloom, a leaf blowing in the wind)", why is this line in parenthesis? you may introduce it in the poem itself. if you mean to highlight that line simply make it bold
lastly , there's a strong feeling at the end that i want to read some more. may be a ray of hope or some fear of unknown. anything that could give your poem a proper conclusion.
i really liked your poem and i apologize if i have been rude, that is completely unintentional.
keep writing and sharpening your wonderful talent
Rituparna
You weren't rude. You were honest and helped me a lot with your review.
thank you for reviewing this! <3
<3
<3
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<3 This was very beautiful
<3 thank youuu
I love the arrangement of your lines at the beginning. It's almost like you're stepping lightly downward. However, in line seven, I would find a word to use instead of "slime." This word doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the sentence... or maybe it's just me that thinks that. Still, the whole poem has a nostalgic feel that I quite enjoy. Keep writing!
Hm, you may have a point about "slime". I meant it as a sorta bible reference, but perhaps it should go? I'll read through a few more times, see how it reads with different wordage, and go from there.
Thank you for the review! I appreciate your help.