Young Writers Society

Hey, TimmyJake! It's Artemis28, here for a review on your poem!

Ah, so it's rhyming. I don't see much of that on here anymore. Most of the ones I read are free verse. But nice change!

I would suggest breaking this entire thing up into four-line stanzas. Maybe it would make it flow better. Each stanza is focusing on one thing, like the fear of falling, but how exciting it would be to walk on water, etc.

Okay, quick thing right here. If you were walking around on the surface of the water, would you be able to see anemone, deep down in the ocean? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think anemones don't grow in shallow water. But do they? If not, you should try to think of a rhyming word other than 'anemone.'

Also, there should be a comma after "land". Just a minor punctuation thing.

Overall, this idea was pretty cool. I mean, I think almost everyone has thought about walking on water at least once. Nice idea, and how you picture everything is fantastic. Keep up the great work, TimmyJake, and keep writing!

XOX,
Artemis28

this was amusing to read I saw the image that you that you made I felt alive reading this you are a good writer I wish I could writer something this good something that makes people feel the emotion of what I write and that's what you did which is not comman you have my respect keep writing I hope to read more of your work

Hey TimmyJake! CelticThunder's #1 fan here to review your work xD

First off I would just like to say that I loved this poem because it was cool. I have imagined what it would be like to walk on water but I haven't actually accomplished it...yet xD I don't have much to correct on here because I think you had everything down pat. I think this was a cool poem cause it reminded me off Jesus walking on water.
Imagine if we could actually walk on water...that would be amazing.
I love poetry and am fairly new to it myself but I have a few done. Poetry is pretty cool and I enjoy writing, and reading other people's poems.

I don't have anything else to say except that this was a cool poem and you have a nack for poetry. *trumpet*

Goodbye for now, you'll probably see me reviewing more of your work....

~Selina *dramatic bow with trumpets and drums*

Nice rhyming. Is this poem referring to Jesus walking on water or did it just pop into your mind like things do?

Hi Timmy!

First poem on YWS? You have quite a lot of poetry posted so it will probably take me a while to work my way through this *Wields poetry sword* Just note my poetry reviewing is not the best, but I am going to try!

One thing I absolutely loved about this poem was the rhyme <3 It actually did work in this poem and I think it made it feel more completed, more rhythmic as well. I especially loved the rhyme in the ending four lines. I guess you can say those were my favourite lines of all in this poem!

What could be done here is to break this poem into stanzas. It's more an optional and stylistic choice, but it would help make the rhyme more obvious in this poem. So maybe a split every four lines? It is completely up to you if you want to do this or not though.

My true problem with this was the meaning. I felt like it was a bit thin... for a second it seems like it has a deeper meaning as if (this is my interpretation) the question Can I walk on water? Is really the persona asking can I walk above all the rest of the people? If I doubt myself and never take a risk (lines 3 and 4) mean they will just fall and blend in with everyone else. The next four lines kind of messes it up because you become a bit more specific and actually seem as if you aren't imposing anything, but actually just looking down at what is in the sea. Ideally, if you changed line 8 a bit, then we can interpret this as it would be fun to be above all the other people, and the persona could look down and be glad it isn't them.

The poem tehn goes on to saying in lines 9 - 12 that they would feel so free being above and away. I don't really understand what you want us to see with line 12 though? I felt in that line the rhyming was a little forced and there could be a different rhyme you could use that would help make this line clearer in definition.

And then the final four lines are perfection of course <3 People would look at the persona and wonder how and why they are so different. But only they possess that secret which separates them.

Sometimes poems are good to have superficial meaning, one that is obvious, or humorous and easy to see. Some are better to have a meaning that needs to be unlocked and thought about. But this type of poem is borderline on both types, and you just need to tilt it into either one. To make this poem really good, I suggest you go for the more meaningful aspect of it!

Hope this was handy

Deanie x

Hello Timmy! me again! *waves*
(sudden thought-if you read this review first then "me for the first time! *waves")
This, I gather, is a reasonably old poem, and is pretty good. What I liked most was probably the rhymes; big fan of rhyming myself. (not "rhyming "myself"", "rhyming myself", if you follow)
But, if I didn't like the rhyming the best then it was the subject matter. So many people get so wound up in teenage depression, romance and cutting etc. practically no-one writes light hearted (and I hope you won't take offence if I say children's) poems.
Thank you for writing this,
Take That You Fiend!

I really liked this. I'm not a big poet myself, but I was always taught that in poetry there doesn't have to be a consistent rhyme scheme or correct punctuation because it's your personal view on things. Just like e.e. cummings didn't capitalize his name, ever.
Anyways, I think you're a good writer/poet. I look forward to reading more.

Hi, Welcome to YWS! This was certainly a very good poem to start with. I loved the idea behind it- it was very original. I also love your rhyming. Such well- rhymed poems aren't often available, you know. Your starting and ending were very appropriate and nice. My favourite lines are:

"And if I could walk on water,

How amazing that would feel."

The only thing I think your poem could use is formatting.

Overall: A lovely poem with a very original idea.

- Anshira; red team

Short Review.

This is cute! I liked your use of differing perspectives, and your vivid descriptions of the experience.

The way you used the refrain "If I could walk on water" was effective, but maybe you could have included a little more paragraphing? I'm a sucker for formatting, but repetition works especially well when coupled with segmentation.

Rhyming usually brings harmony, but in some places, like here:

But if I could walk on water,

How fun that would be.

I could look down and around me,

And see anemone.

Hey, Timmy! The name's Storm, and I'll be your humble reviewer this late afternoon. First of all, welcome to YWS!!! *squishhuggles you* If you need anything, Timmy, feel free to let me know. I don't bite except on Tuesdays. ... Anyways, onwards to the review!

I didn't find any grammatical errors throughout the poem, but, however, located one itsy bitsy punctuation flaw:

The fear to sink I find.

This line should instead be, "The fear to sink, I find." (Or maybe I'm interpreting this phrase wrong, and it's just worded differently?) That's about it for the technical side of your writing!

Next, I noted that "Can I Walk on Water?" felt like it had the beginnings of a constant meter, but then died away as the lines progressed. The stressed/unstressed syllables in certain lines do not seem to cooperate with other phrases from your work and lend to a choppy read. It's not bad, but the rises and falls definitely could work together more. Understand? If not, just let me know and I'll gladly explain more in-depth.

Lastly, your poem is childish and fun! If that's what you are aiming for, then fantastic job; you've created a great kid's poem. Although, if you were going for something reaching a slightly older age group, then try reconsidering your wording because it is very simple. Simple isn't bad, though, especially if one is striving for a collection of childhood poetry.

Overall, I think you have a good start for "Can I Walk on Water", so as always: Write on! Once again, if you are in need of more, please allow me to elaborate on a certain subject addressed above if you so ddesire. So glad to have you on YWS, Timmy!!! <3 See ya around.

---Stormsie

Hm, interesting poem and idea. I'm not sure if there's is deep meaning, or what it is but I can infer that maybe it's saying you're trying to be yourself although you would stand out among everyone and be different from everyone else. As it says at the end;

"People would see a strange me,

As they walked along the sand."

Over all it was a really good poem and I see no errors well except for the part

"And see anemone" I think it's supposed to be "And see an anemone." Anyway I like how you put rhyming into it and everything flows together. You did a great job on the ending and the whole thing. Keep writing!