A time in the past, when we were young,
We used to play in fields.
They called us children, full of promise.
Pride in their eyes, they showed us clay.
Hope in their eyes, they showed us flowers.
And they said:
The clay that you stand on holds more than nutrients.
It holds our history, our failings and our victories.
It holds the time armies trod upon it, and the blood they spilled.
It holds the generations of people, living in war or peace.
The flower in your hand holds more than beauty.
It holds our legacy, the unspoken power of time.
Times that gives us a chance to show our mettle.
This flower will die, leaving a memory behind.
Saying this, they let us out of the fields,
And into the world.
Holding that flower and the clay,
We follow the patterns of our ancestors.
Walking over the same fields, fighting the same battles.
In the future, those fields will carry our legacy
Trodden deep into its soil, forever.
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140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
My favourite poem of yours so far...
Too good to critique ^.^
*wails*
*cries*
why???????????????????????
noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't believe this Timmy,it's not fair!!
you're so good!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks!
Hi, my promised review that I promised you this morning.
I have just one single word that I can use to describe this and it is: Amazing. This is well written and holds a powerful story, behind the lines. Imagery is use in this poem, and the usage of it is well done.
(Now if I could figure out how people have the quote things it would make this easier)
"The clay that you stand on holds more than nutrients.
It holds our history, our failings and our victories.
It holds the time armies trod upon it, and the blood they spilled.
It holds the generations of people, living in war or peace.
The flower in your hand holds more than beauty.
It holds our legacy, the unspoken power of time.
Times that gives us a chance to show our mettle.
This flower will die, leaving a memory behind."
~These two stanza's are amazing. Emotion is used in the lines, and it also uses imagery to convey the message that you want to get across. I loved these lines not only for the emotions and imagery that you use, but for the powerful sayings that you have put. Years pass, but the Earth doesn't forget what has been done upon it's surface, though as more and more happen upon it, it just adds to the rich and diverse history that the soil "clay" holds.
A job well done.
~GreenTulip
Thanks for your review!! Since you mentioned that, I will just tell you how!!
With no space there either... It took me 100 reviews before I figured it out. lolThanks again!
Awww dang. I did it so well, it worked! lol
So you do this:
don't forget the slash in the end one. It won't work without it...
Oh that is very useful. thank you.
And your welcome.
You know what? This is terrible... I have tried to do it, but it won't let me show you! Here it is again. [*quote] and leaving no space paste [*/quote]
When you actually do it, leave out the * thingys.
I managed to do it.
I feel happy.
Yayayayay!!! You can do the same thing with bold and italics!! Just put I or b instead of quote!!
Yay, learning new things everyday.
What did I tell you, huh? Absolutely amazing.
This is amazing, Timmy.
Keep it up!
Thanks!
Hello oh Pompadour-spamming assosiate!
This is a lovely poem, and well worth the most liked list! The rhythem and everything are amazing! Therefore I shall reveiw this EVIL.
In the segments:
"holds more than nutrients."
and "holds more than beauty."
I disagree with the use of italics, as they make it a little choppy.
I also think that there should be three, rather than two, objects. In all tales and legends three are always three; Three little pigs, three wise men. And as you have been succesful in your epic saga-like feel to it, it think three would benifit this.
To end on a possitive note, I realy like the last paragraph, and particularly the last line, and particularly the last word!
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Thanks for your review!
Back again! I didn't know that you write poetry
...
So, as previous reviewers have indicated, this is a truly wonderful poem. And a truly wonderful title. Your repetition ties everything together, and I'm so happy that you didn't use rhyming, as it wouldn't fit your theme. Wonderful theme, as well. I'll never look at soil the same way.
Favorite lines:
You've only left me with two nitpicks:
Dirt sounds a little blunt next to "full of promise" and "pride" and "hope." Soil, on the other hand, has a mysterious-ish ring to it. Not to mention that soil is commonly associated with plants, and dirt is commonly associated with worms.
A bit abrupt in contrast to the rest of the stanza. And when you address the reader, the enigmatic atmosphere you so carefully crafted collapses. Kinda like the "discussion reading questions" at the end of some young adult novels, but woven through the text. I'd recommend just cutting those two lines out.
I can't claim to be the best poet, but I can claim that I enjoyed this. Definitely keep writing!
Thanks for your review!! Very helpful
Ok, so why I chose clay was because it is something you build on. Soil and dirt could be anything, but clay is very specific. People build with it, so I chose that for a good part of the piece. And why do I have that line in there? It is "they" talking to us, the children, so that whole part of the poem is like that... Perhaps it is too much headed in that direction?
Again, thanks for your review!!
I took out the What will you leave behind? line. Does it help?
Yes, definitely helps
. In my review, I only suggested that you replace "dirt." "Clay" sounds great; keep it! And no, not too much headed in that direction!
Great!
Thanks for being an awesome reviewer! Always...
Hey, Timmy! Cheetah here to review as requested!
I don't know what to say. This is gorgeous, absolutely beautiful. I loved the images it painted in my mind of a field, soil, and flowers. I also love the concept, of how the ancestors teach us how to live.
The metaphors you use are perfect, there's just enough to be able to understand without it being too hard, but enough so that you have to think a little. Good job! Also, I like how you tell us that the clay holds more than nutrients, the flower more than beauty. The one thing I would alter here is get rid of the italics here.
When you talk about the flowers, you don't have any italicized words, so I would either get rid of these italics or add italics to this:
Your choice, either way works.
No wonder this has no reviews, it's practically perfect!
Thank you Cheetah! Consider us Even now!!
Great!
Glad I could help!
Wow. This is beautiful, and has left me breathless - I'm not really sure what to say. Your writing is brilliant as always - flows like someone just talking languidly, not contrived in any way.
I was just confused about one line -
What, exactly, do you mean?
Thank you so much for writing this. It made me think. You should consider getting published!
Hmmm... I should explain that! Thanks for the review!
The line means that it gives us a chance to show our metal... Perhaps I should change the line to that?
You're welcome
What do you mean by "metal", though? *googles* Ooh, it's in fact spelled "show your mettle"! That's cool. I haven't heard of that saying before, but I love its meaning, especially in this poem.
I think you should change it to what you said.
Thanks! I have changed it to that. i thought it didn't look quite right! xD
Philosically perfect, poetically entrancing~
This going to be in the spotlight.
-S.s
Thanks, SubtleSanity!
Although you said it's not a poem, it most certainly felt like one to me. I like how you focus about the legacy ypur ancestors left you with.
i really really liked this one line!
This is great! I think I have overused the word like.
Thank you!
Good Work! I like how it focuses on our ancestors preparing us for the world ahead.
Thanks!
this is perfect.
Thanks, Iggy!