A/N: Um, it was raining outside. All I know.
standing out in the rain, the summer dust
fades away into the fall-ing drops of
yesterday's crystal mountain spring - now transformed
into swirling murky shadows overhead.
they laugh down in splashing ecstasy into your
forbidden pool, filling up and spilling over
with once-clear water
now sullied with the mud, which filters up from
the ground
once-dry.
drip
drip drip drip drip
glistening blades of grass sag down with
the sliding of the raindrops
down their bodies like children on slides
just
slipping
down
their peals of laughter contrast with the storm
billowing above with angry arms outstretched.
sending its thunderation down upon
the
earth.
splash splash splash splash splash
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140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hai Timmy!
Happy review day!
Okay, I am far behind when it comes to reviewing all of your things but I am going to come back with vengeance, you shall see ^^
And let me tell you, this poem was beautiful. Symbolic, descriptive and probably one of the best poems of yours that I have ever read. Honestly. I liked how some words were drawn out into two, and the format of it and the repetition and gosh, just it all ^^ I think you did a great job with the rhythm in this poem and even if it was an experiment with enjambment and all that, it was an experiment which I think turned out pretty well. I want to see more of the poetry like this ^^ Again, I am afraid this will be a short review because this was so near perfection, and well, I haven't reviewed poetry in ages ><
What I will say is that even though this is beautiful and symbolic... I didn't quite get what it was a symbol of? Because you were mentioning children and how everything was sliding down and gradually became a storm I thought that maybe maybe it could be about how the youth is a happy time and that rain can be happy, but it can be dangerous as it grows and has the possibility of being a storm? I'm not sure there... and with a work as great as this one when it comes to it's writing, managing to weave a good message or a great theme in there would be doubly as awesome. So maybe you should tweak this just a little bit (and not too much) so that we get more hints as to what the meaning behind this poem should really be about. I would like that
If there was ever a part of the poem that I lacked a little bit of the steady rhythm you create here, it would be that part. I don't know what it is about it in particular, but I stumble over the 'in splashing ecstasy into your'. I think it might be the whole use of 'in' and then shortly after that 'into'. Maybe you should change one of the words into something with the same meaning, and read it aloud to see if it runs smoother?
Hm. Something about this sentence and the next line after the quote seemed off... and I think it might be because for it to actually make sense it should be 'the once-clear water' instead of with? Try it ^^
Otherwise, I can find nothing else to change or nitpick about this poem. It was amazing. Keep writing magical stuff like this
Deanie x
Thank youuu so much for this review, Livvy. <3 Now I have a quessstion. What did fall-ing rain tell youuu. double meaning.
I, uh, should work on the meaning of this poem. xD Because I didn't have any hidden meanings in mind when I wrote this.
TIMMY <3333 I figured I should try and and review some of your stuff since you always review mine
So. This probably won't be as long as yours are or anything so don't expect much. And I do the same thing you do, review as I go along because think you should know where the readers mind is going as they read. And I already skimmed over this and I see you used formatting and I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT THAT. Okay instead of going off in my random thoughts I should probably start reading.
Rain <3 I love rain. perfect for writing
So I'm kind of interested into why you put the hyphen in between fall and ing. Maybe to create rhythm? It kind of bothers me but at the same time doesn't. I don't know I think it would make more sense if it meant something significant. Which, I've only read to like, the second line, but if it has no significants I will be bothered. You wouldn't want that would you?
Hee-hee okay. drip. wow. That all you got? ;p Okay. That sounded rude. What I'm saying is, yes. We all know water drips and splashes. I want something different. Something new. Is there any other sound you can relate a rain drop to? Here's some:
pitter patter
prum, prum, prum
drum drum drum
plink
Just some more unique sounds
Okay. On we go! Ohhhh I love the second stanza. Well written
I feel like you could have toyed around with formatting a bit more in this piece, make it more like an image before I read everything. I don't know, make it more creative and interesting to look at
Holy cow I'm watching The Walking Dead it's so graphic like dad, I'M TRYING TO EAT.
Randomness
But the detail in this was just perfect as usual, and I'm definitely looking out for more of you works <3 GREAT JOB MY FRIEND.
~Not Darth Timmy but Kamryn Darth.
Thank you for the revieww! <3 As always, so lovely. Ewww, Walking Dead. How are you gonna eat with that? O.O hee-hee
Thank you for the nitpicks and compliments. So helpful.
Hello, timmyjake! I'm emeraldfox, representing Team EarthBenders this Review Day!
I thought this was a beautiful poem! I especially loved the figurative languwage you used to compare the rain drops to children on slides and a storm to angry arms. Your word choice was stellar and I thought you had a great use of punctuation. You didn't have any spelling or grammar errors.
I wasn't sure why "fall-ing" was spelled that way iinstead of just "falling". But that doesn't really take away from the poem at all so it doesn't really need to be fixed. I'm just curious as to why you hyphenated the word.
I really like this poem and the way you formatted it. Great job!
"YWS is blue,
Our team is green.
We're the best reviewers
You've ever seen."
-@pendr for Team Earthbenders
fall-ing was meant to have a double meaning, but it seems as though everyone didn't see it... which means I should remove or fix it. I meant it to mean fall(the season)-ing rain.
Thank you for the review. So helpful. <3
Oh okay that makes sense reading it now
This is really cool. Have you read e.e. cummings or any of the beat poets? You should, I think you would dig. Anyway, to Business! This is fantastic exploration of the mundane. The note to detail, the personification of the inanimate, it's all there! Its a really good example of letting the mind roam in the moment, spontaneous and free. I want to see this applied to more things! There are some really lovely moments , like the storm 'billowing above with angry arms outstretched' that are just purely magical poetic imagery. And the onomatopoeia is used really well. My biggest critique would be to try and open yourself up more. Maybe not for this piece specifically but in general, just let your mind go out there wild crazy though pattern. Be as poetic as you like. Blow as deep and you want to blow. Really let the unadulterated flow of the mind come out in it's glorious unbroken curve onto the page. That would be the most fantastic thing for me. Im going to be keeping an eye out for your other writings! Thank you for posting :3
Thank you for your wonderful review! :3
Noaven here with my first ever review! I like the idea of this piece being on the spot inspiration, it makes it a little more personal like your subconscious is taking on the writing.
There is excellent use of imagery throughout this piece, I can imagine following each raindrop through its little adventure from the dark clouds above to the pools forming in the dirt. I also love the contrast of the drops personified as playful kids to the angry storm. I don't know much about poetry so finding something bad or in need of improvement to say about it is difficult for me, if anything it's just that 'thunderation' isn't a word from what I can find with google. It is however a roller coaster in Silver dollar city. Overall this is a well written poem that captures the various elements of a storm both the light and playful and the dark and ominous. It was a good read and I thank you for posting it!
Thank you for the wonderful review. For your first review, this was just amazing. Thank you for all your help.
Glad I could help! This is a pretty cool site so I may stick around.
In my opinion, this is very well written. There really isn't man things to critique about this poem. But, here are a few. First off, I'm not quite certain what the meaning of the poem is and I don't know how I feel about that. If there is a hidden meaning, that might be kind of cool, like the mystery behind it, but it might not appeal to some people if they don't know what's going on. If there is no meaning behind this, then that's kind of strange because most poetry has lots of deep meaning or is humorous. Although, if this poem has no meaning behind it, I do believe that it could pull it off because of how well written it is. I love your word choice in this and the organization of the words. Keep writing and having fun with it timmyjake!
Thank you for the review. Was helpful.