Nobody knows why the world falls quiet while we are in pain.
The very essence of sound fading into the background,
Coming to a full halt, so that we can feel it forever.
Feel our heart breaking while the world remains silent
to our cries, silent
to our pleas, silent
to our tears.
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139,811 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Very deep with only those words. Nice job.
<3 thank youuuu
<3 thank youuuu
You're welcome.
T'is pretty deep..
thank youu
Hai Timmy!
It really draws the readers attention to the silent and the sufferings the person is going through.
Here to review the last piece to your portfolio! Which... I can't really review because it's so short and perfect already. I remember reading this in the pad and I think I gave away most of my feedback then. So >< This will be short!
I love this because it shows how the silence is as much a friend as well as an enemy. No one is reaching out to you and speaking to you when you are in pain, but then again, sometimes you don't want anyone to talk to you either, and you could want nothing more than for the silence. I think this just makes this poem all the more interesting. I liked what you did with enjambment. You know, in the three lines before the last one. Nice touch
One thing that would be interesting might be to add some sort of form to this. It's a bit awkward with such long lines in the beginning and later it just drops suddenly and becomes so much short. Maybe take the first four lines and have the sentences on different lines? Like:
Nobody knows why the world falls
quiet while we are in pain.
What I like about that with this line is that you can read it in two ways now. Almost as if the world is falling, and secondly as the meaning you first mean. You could do this with the other lines as well, making them a similarly equal length now.
I actually didn't like this last line much. I feel like it was pretty unnecessary and much weaker when it comes to the depth already in this poem. I think the poem would end off much stronger without that last line at the end, and just have it ending with tears. That's merely a suggestion though, and it's really up to you!
Now, you better hurry up and post something so I have more to review. I guess here ends my craziness xD
Deanie x
Thank you for all of the reviews you have given me, Livvy. You are truly an amazing friend.
Hello, my friend.
First, I do not usually review poetry. I am quite inept at it, so forgive me if I write something ludicrous or completely unhelpful.
I do not know much about poetry, but I am quite knowledgeable about rhythm and dramatic structure. Having said that, I believe that you should place a "that" after "so." It allows the reader more time to reach "we," which I see as the climax of the sentence. If you read it aloud, you will see what I mean. It completes the flow of the sentence and compliments the rhythm that you have already presented.
Besides that, I enjoyed your poem immensely. It was subtle, beautiful, and structured intricately. Keep me posted about your writing. I would love to read anything you that you publish. Happy Writing!
Thank you soo much for your review!
Wow, I didn't think I would like it to be honest but I do. I wish it was longer, because it makes me want hear more. Which is pretty ironic. You should tell us a little bit about your pain and try to spin your words a bit, meaning add some more movement. But yeah, I liked it.
Okay. I get where you are coming from. I will work on that... and perhaps I will post more to it soon!
Thanks for the review!
Hello!
BrilliantMustaches here for another review...
I like your poem and it has amazing potential. I like how you bring out what the problem is when people are in pain.
I think you should put a comma after halt and before so. Just so you can feel the drama in the pause. Just a suggestion.
I think you did a really good job.
Bravo!
-BrilliantMustaches
Thank you for your review!!
Edit finished.