Author's note: I wanted to make this longer, but I didn't know how... Please criticize freely.
The clothes are tattered and stained,
His face bearing the sweat and dirt of time.
The shoes that hit the pavement are worn down,
He walks without reason nor purpose.
People walking down the street see him passing,
But they don’t shun his outwardly dirty appearance.
Because there is something inside his heart,
Something that is different from many.
It is the glow of peace and love.
And so instead, they smile.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hola, Jakey! *attacks innocent looking poem*
Hrm, this is a tough one to review, mostly because it's pretty short and simplistic. There's also the fact that I stink at reviewing poetry anyway, but let's not go there. I think the best way to give you my opinion on this is to dissect every line as thoroughly as I can.
I'msosorry.I like the tone you begin this piece with. It's dark and melancholy and makes me think of monsoon rain--clouds covering the sky. And even though the description is so simplistic, I can totally picture what you're trying to say. While I don't think you should expand on this, I do think you could make the tone a little more ... personal. Like, instead of saying: "The clothes ..." you could start off with: "His clothes ..." It engages the reader and also helps us create a connection with the narrator, and the person the narrator is referring to. You don't need to do this with: "The shoes ..." though, since you've kinda sorta personified the shoes as they stamp on the sidewalk.
Consider replacing the comma with either a semi-colon or a period. Personally, I think a semi-colon would work better; a period makes the reader stop, while what you want here is to develop a flow, albeit a detached one.
All right, so I won't quote the entire next stanza to you, but one thing that I feel this bit is lacking is a spark. You could really expand on this, I feel, and instill a bit of "show" instead of "tell." Give us an insight into who the man is; use a little imagery! Show us the cocoa-brown lines etched onto his withered, old, raisin-y face. Show us the love and the compassion with which people look at him, and the respect that they give him despite the way he's dressed. If I can go all cliche for a second, then think for a second about judging books by covers. Dog-eared pages and fading print, yet the words never lose their ability to influence and empower others. Show that to us through your writing. Show us how and why the man is so respected, and how it is this purity of spirit which makes everybody in the vicinity smile whenever they see him approaching. Better yet, let your reader be a part of this scene by having a more active insight into the scene. Like, I can picture the man walking through mud-puddles, his sandal-clad feet sploshing as he walks, without an umbrella. And then maybe a sprightly youth splashing through the torrential rain with an umbrella in his hand ...
Yeah, sorry, got a little carried away.
Anyway, I'd definitely say you re-write this because the idea is really, really good. You could even develop this into a kind of poem-short-story thing where you depict different scenes, showing us that maybe there's some hope for humanity after all, and that it is the inside that really, truly counts. But that, of course, depends completely on you!
Key question: How? How do they not shun him? I'd like some imagery here, maybe a couple of stick-your-nose-in-the-air-and-strut metaphors. Think peacocks. Think pride. Think of stick figures in black-and-white, caught in a spiderweb of society. Show us how to untangle this web, and show us that pulsating rhythm of hearts that glows within and makes people who they are. Show us--remind us--how actions are judges by intentions, and how it is what people behold in their hearts that shows through their faces and through their glances. You can make so much of this, Timmy! You can expand on this and build it up and turn this into something absolutely amazing. I admire this about your poetry, your brevity, but I feel that it's really standing between what you can accomplish with this single idea. Expand on it, work on it, write, re-write and when you do, let me know, because I'll definitely be reading!
Another suggestion that's completely unrelated to the actual content of your poem is this: Consider capitalizing sentences instead of lines. See, over here, you've capitalized every line regardless of the fact whether it's the middle of an actual sentence or a new one. While that's perfectly fine, I do think that it doesn't really let the poem flow. You can take a look-see at this if you want, too: Capitalization in Poetry
Spoiler
I just think it looks nice, is all. How you keep the formatting totes depends on you, after all!
I hope this helped. Keep writing! Keep up the brilliant work!
Cheers,
~M
Hi Timmy!
I command thee to!
Hm, I am not sure what I think of this poem. I half like it, half don't. That is probably because I really like the first stanza, and then not so much the second one. Apart from the ending. You seem to be very good with endings when it comes to poetry you know
What I like about the first stanza so much: It has a beautiful description that creates really strong imagery from a simple usage of words. I can really imagine the man just walking down the pathway, head hanging, exhausted and defeated.
Now the second verse: My problem is that the first two lines are a little repetitive. The same words are repeated. And for a poem this short it's not really a good idea to do that. Really, you should think of changing them around a bit. The third and fourth line in that stanza seems a bit boring >.> Nothing spectacular to see. I think there needs to be more than just a 'something' that is what they notice. Maybe get the to see him shimmer, a glow, more magical than anything they've ever seen although he is human. And then finish with those lovely last two lines I wouldn't change for the world <3
I gotta run (this was a short review). And you should go back and edit your poems
Deanie x
Thank youuu!!! THank youuu!! Thank you!!!
Hello! *waves*
Right, I aggree with the point you make about the length, a good thing you included the authors note, or this review would be pointless.
O.k. a negative and positive point in one paragraph. I really liked the title, and it is perfect for drawing the reader in. I don't know what it is about the title, but it just seems really good. My complaint is you don't really refer back to it in the poem. Yes, it is the subject and all that, but you could have really explored this inner "man", literally and metaphorically, which would also lengthen it.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Thanks!
Yo yo yo, Timmy. Subtle here for a review, yes again! I know I'm probably creeping you out so let's get on with it.
I love the idea behind is poem, is a very typical, cliche idea but you have made it unique by the way you have written it. And I like how is short but effective poem stresses that we all need to see past what meets the eye, and see the goodness of people instead of all being cynical and sarcastic.
And though the language isn't exactly flouncy or flat, is something in between. But I think you could use some figurative language into this, some smilies or metaphors. But I do like the last line, because a smile can say so much things that words can't. So well done, once again! You have a knack of seeing the good in everything, it seems. Keep calm and keep on writings,
-S.s
Thanks for the review!
I think more people need to be able to see the good in people. I love the fact that you captured the essence of the people who do. I like the brief, simple structure, and the way he's described. Only thing off to me is the fact that "he walks without reason nor purpose", I feel like if he has obvious peace and love, he has reason.
Thank you!
Heya, Timmy! Cheetah here to give you a quick review.
I totally agree with this. When I first read your title I thought this pome would be about a man who was rejected because of his outside appearance, but this is quite the opposite. I enjoyed it very much.
Beautiful.
I couldn't find anything wrong with it! Great job and keep writing!
Thank you!
Welcome!
Hey TJ! Sis here for a review!
Happy? I smiled... :3
First off, this a really great poem! I loved the concept of it! Now for the content itself:
The clothes are tattered and stained,
His face bearing the sweat and dirt of time.
This part implies that this is going to be more of a sad poem. Eh, no. I love the imagery in this part as well.
The shoes that hit the pavement are worn down,
He walks without reason nor purpose.
First line still has imagery, and that's nice. The second line is more informational. Maybe is you added a little "spice" to it. It's a bit boring, but necessary. It's a nice flow.
People walking down the street see him passing,
But they don’t shun his outwardly dirty appearance.
This part is nice. It changes the poem and out thoughts about what it might be about.
Something that is different from many.
It is the glow of peace and love.
This is my favorite part of the entire poem. It's the utter truth and raw emotion that make it so special. This was very well written. I loved how you changed the entire full of the poem with this.
And so instead, they smile.
This was a nice way to end the poem, but it seems kinda like it doesn't flow right. Perhaps that was the way it was supposed to be, I don't know. Wow. I just noticed that I skipped a line of the poem. *facepalm*
Overall, this is an incredible work. I love the idea and the way you portrayed it. So, keep writing, and keep smiling!
See ya,
Sis
Thank you for your review!!
Trust me, this is the perfect length.
The lines were perfectly written and your syllables are great.
My favourite line was your final one, it ended the poem great, and sort of took the reader by surprise a bit, which is good.
There's one little thing I'd suggest, and that's to write loads more poems. I really love it! ^_^ I shall follow you at once.
I am so sorry that I can't find anything to nitpick, but I've read it through about 5 times, and can't find anything! Great job, I love it.
-CFG
Thanks for your review! I just discovered poetry and I'm lovin it!!
No problem! And I still feel I just discovered it too, but I've done quite a few poems! xD It's great fun though, keep up the fabulous work!
Though your concept is really good, it isn't quite clear in the poem. Nor is this very realistic, you need to have a sound example to support what you are writing.
Why don't they shun his outwardly dirty appearance? Just because there is something inside his heart that is different from many? It needs to be clearer than that or else the reader is left confused as the title holds promise.
"His clothes bearing the sweat and dirt of time." Now that's a good line!! Sweat and dirt of time, it holds some meaning but the second stanza doesn't live up to it...
My advice would be to go over this again, yes make it longer. The theme is really good, there's a lot that you can write. Good luck!!
Thank you fro your review!! I will work on that...