A Smile of Light

Hello there TimmyJake, me again

Just reviewing some more of your work, this tittle caught my eye so I decided to come see what it was about. Personally I find this poem really cool and inspiring. I liked how you had two different ways of writing in it, poetry and paragraphs. That was cool and it kind of gave it a mysterious feeling

The story itself that you were writing about, I found very interesting. You kept me on the edge of my seat wondering how it was going to end, which is good for a writer, and I enjoyed it.
It was also kind of realistic in a certain sense. It is kind of hard though not to go into a state of depression when you see the world around you like it is, but its not good to stay in that depression. Everybody needs someone to help them remember how to smile =P I think everyone has been in a state of depression before and some have been lucky enough to have someone else to pull them out. Sometimes its friends, other times it family, sometimes its even your Faith in God.

Loved your work once again <3 I don't think its possible not to enjoy your writing. You have a very big imagination

Gotta go move on to your next poem xD

~Selina

Hi Timmy!

I am afraid this is going to be a short review because Pompadour has stolen the majority of the words right from my mouth, so I will write what she has left that I can keep for myself

I have to say, I guess this means I drew my name in chalk isn't the first prose poetry thing you've written I liked this one, because it was a really helpful story of how even through the darkness when you feel like you've lost all sense of hope, there is always one last thing that can redeem you once again. I think I also liked how this seemed more poetry than prose as the other one (I know, sorry for all these comparisons!) Because it has more stanzas in it as well, as the narrative was being shown in between them.

My only problem with the poem is that you have a lot of the prose bit saying the same thing. Save for the last one where it's about coming back up after it all, I feel like it spends a lot of time going on about the darkness, just describing what it is doing in different ways. The darkness this, the darkness that, and then the same thing again with the light. But really, in the second prose-related paragraph I feel like you cover all that really needs to said about the darkness being suffocating and horrible and so on. I would suggest you cut the second paragraph of the first bit, and then move the middle bit up. I like the repeat a bit in the third prose part because it's leading up to the conclusion. Then you have the middle free.

Again, this is just a suggestion and would be drastically changing your poem. But if the middle free maybe you could be more specific as to what is bringing on this darkness in this persons life? I understand if you wanted to remain generalized for the sake of then more people being able to relate, I suppose, but I think we lose a certain essence of the poem which could be good for bringing across a more detailed message.

Either way, this is all very much your decision ^.^

Deanie x

My god this was excellent, I have no other way to describe this poem, I have read a lot of poems and this is another of my favorites. The imagery is flawless, and i have a hard time trying not to feel the same way that is described here. It's one of those poems, that what you read you feel everything that is described and i love that about this, because it makes you feel hopeless and then just as there is nothing left to grab there is that one person that drags you back. I loved this poem, it was very deep and intense, emotional wise. This made me think about my own life, because mine is very similar to this, i had the same problem for so long so i can relate to this on a personal level, and i love how you put the twist at the end and had someone to show the light and bring them back to the light because for me, i had to find it myself but as soon as i reached it i had help getting further, but this is better because instead of finding the light themselves, they had someone else lead the way. I feel deeply for this poem because of the correspondence to my own life and i love poems that do that for some reason. It reminds me that everything isn't all bad and that it will only ever get better if you don't give up, you know? I truly loved this poem i did, i did, i did. I probably sound like a broken record, but i cannot say this enough. You did an incredible job, and i love that i can relate to this because it reminds me of what i had been through and it always ends the same. Flawless, it was perfect.

Great poem here! Keep on writing! Gosh, I need to stop using so many exclamation points. It's been a habit for several years now. I even go to a support group for this. What am I going to do?

Timmy!! I decided to pop by for a review 'cause that's what cookie ninjas do!

So let's get cracking!

OK, so I loved how you finished this piece off. It was subtle, dramatic and just -- just riveting! (I've been wanting to use that word for a long time, lol.) The title really caught my attention, and I've always been drawn to the-journeys-of-life-and-finding-your-way kind of poems. The format is very different, I guess, and that's what made this fun to read. Your writing style is emotional and honest, and the imagery was just amazing! There are a few places where I suggest you reword this so it doesn't sound choppy. I'll go over it bit by bit, then?

Technical

My face is so much different from others.

The "much" isn't needed here.

All I can do is lie prostrate, succumbed by the darkness. Destroyed by it.

There should be a semicolon between "lie" and "prostrate." On a side note, the language you have used here is so powerful! Have a thumbs-up for that!

The darkness is overcoming.

The darkness is overcoming what? Your hold on the world? Your senses? The readers don't know, but they want to. So tell them!

I see others walking around me,

Their aura shining radiantly.

Like torches, lighting up the darkness,

Like angels, riding on stars in the sky.

The light in the distance comes closer,

Drawing nearer with each fleeting moment.

You're sort of redundant here, since you've already mentioned how the light is "coming closer," and then you open up the next line with the same thing. How about you talk about it shining brighter as it moves closer or something? Just a suggestion, here. As the writer, the decisions you make completely depend on you!

The light stays as far from me as possible, seeking a brighter home… But in order to look welcoming, I need some light! I need happiness inside me.

OK, so you're kinda contradicting yourself here, since you mentioned in the stanza above how the light was "drawing in." Now it's backing up? Maybe you could elaborate on how the light is mocking you, and how it evades you every time you reach out to it? Plunge a little deeper into the darkness! Go on; you know you can do it!

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Hi Timmyjake, GreenTulip here to give you a review.

First of all, I loved this poem. This is amazing. Okay, maybe I should I get to the actual review part.

I love how you formatted this poem. The paragraphs really helped to explain the stanza above. The paragraphs didn't detract any meaning from the poem, yet it added extra value into the poem. It is well done, and it is amazing. Nothing else would make this poem better. I loved it, good job.