Say something.
Sitting here alongside you in this gloomy room, the frigid
air settles like clouds, drifting into unknown corners of space, falling into
minds with blurring effects, freezing my unsaid words in the silence. i watch
them dissipate like vapors, while you
watch them in the emptiness, your face a mask of hidden expressions.
Just say something.
The twilight hours used to be filled with superfluous talk,
words taking form for the small things in life. Now a word is greeted with cold
stares, filling the void with harsh expressions and bitter flames. The flames i
remember being so warming have now become heartless, the memories of
yesterday’s fireside evenings swept away with the ashes of today.
Please say something.
The waxen figure of your mind—that skeleton of the being you
used to be—cannot even be melted away with the fire of happiness. Empty rooms
echo with the fragile laughs, breaking into pieces as the peals shatter against
each corner. Silence can kill anything, it seems. The pressing dawn of quiet rises behind the
happiness, blocking the feeling out with a relentless glow. It feels so cold.
You won't say something.
i watch as the
whispers fall away, sinking into the
loneliness and the silent stupor our minds have fallen into. The quiet rings
around us like a shell, our cocoon of indifference closing us off from each
other, from the world. It’s a bubble of coldness, sheltering me from the
happiness. That cruel emotion which has tortured me for eons will never taunt
me again.
You didn't say something.
Author's note: I am really new at writing prose, and would like any comment you have on how to better it. This work took me for a twist I didn't know, and I just had to hang on! Hopefully it makes sense.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,874 Reviews
Hello, I magically stumbled upon this and even though it made me feel a little sad I thought it was amazing. It made perfect sense to me and it's a big fear of me at the moment. Not having someone say anything and having something just end. It struck me hard in the chest area and if I wasn't trying so hard not to cry I would've but it's okay. I really liked this poem and I kind of related which I love so much. I noticed that you didn't capitalize the "I's" why is that? Or did you not have a reason at all? Just curious I guess. Great prose writing by the way.
I didn't capitalize them because I wanted the character to feel small and insignificant.
Thank you for this lovely review. It makes me feel good when someone likes my work.
That's kind of what I was hoping the reasoning would be! You are so welcome!
Hola, Timmy! Pompadour finally here to review as promised. I know this is very, very late but I'm going to make this quick, mainly because I have a lot to catch up on. Here's to hoping this'll be of help!
Alright, so prose poetry, right? I must say you've got a knack for this, but one thing that confused me as I read this was the fact that despite your sentences all being capitalized, you've kept all the "I"s in lower-case, which really stands out and doesn't make much sense. Either capitalize everything, or keep everything in lower-case. Mixing it up often makes the reader wonder if you had any particular intent behind doing so, and if it isn't really clear then it just ends up in confusing them and ticking them off.
Stanza One:
Alright, so the first thing I thought as I read this was waaaay too many actions. I like that you've established a constant here which is " the cold," but the reader finds themselves sprawled in a marsh since all the actions are jostling against one another, and it's a lot to take in all at once. I'd suggest breaking this up and getting rid of some of the commas, so the reader has more time to appreciate the imagery as they read. Also, some actions don't link up with one another, like the "drifting" followed up by the "falling". If the air is drifting off, how is some of it seeping into their minds? I'd suggest you clarify this by establishing some sort of comparison, so it's obvious to us that while the air is drifting off into this lax state of nothingness, it's also falling into their minds and affecting them in some way. Personally, I'd edit it to something like this:
" ... drifting into unknown corners of space; yet they fall into my mind with blurring effects and freeze my unsaid words in the silence."
I've cut down on the usage of "-ing" words as well as divided it up, so it reads more smoothly. You can do this for yourself, too. Get someone to read it out to you and if it sounds awkward, re-word it.
Alright, so what are you trying to convey here? You're watching the silence as it dissipates, right? Or is the narrator and the person they're addressing watching two different silences? I say this because you've spoken of them differently, so you're watching the silence as it fades away then you mention how the other person's watching the emptiness. Okay, so if the words are fading away, being replaced by silence, then why are you establishing two separate scenes? It would be simpler, as well as easier to curl our minds around the fact that you "watch them dissipate", because the "watching them in the emptiness" bit isn't adding anything to the poem, nor is it expanded upon in any way.
Stanza Two:
Alright, so you started this stanza out with: "The twilight hours", and the way you go on to describe what was happening to those twilight hours seemed rather ... inactive. Almost passive, in fact. This might be because my focus was bent entirely towards the twilight hours at this point, not what was going on during them. So it felt kind of disconnected, at least to me. I think it'd make much sense if you tweaked the first sentence to be more direct and say something like: "We filled the twilight hours with superfluous talk ..." since that would make it more "active" and also bring our attention towards the "talk", which is built upon in the next sentence.
Try restructuring this to say: "as being so warm."
Okay, so I think this stanza could flow better, and I advise you to read this out loud to yourself and smooth out the choppy bits. Like: "swept away with the ashes of today" could be shorter and more impressive if it was: "today's ashes."
Stanza Three:
Gah, this is beautiful and deep. <3 I love it. I'd suggest reading this out loud, too, though, and massaging out any chunky, choppy bits.
Stanza Four:
~ I think an Em-dash (--) instead of a comma would make what you're trying to say here stronger.
Okay, so I felt as if nearing the end of this stanza you got a little vague, since you mention "happiness" again but never expound on it. The general tone seems miserable, and I can't help but wonder ... what happiness? Are you alluding to a time when happiness exists? But you mention it as if it exists right now, and it doesn't really fit in to what you've been telling us so far, all this time.
Stanza Five:
Hrm, I sense some repetition. Every stanza talks about whispers, or words, or voices/laughter fading away, albeit stated in a different and creative manner. It's not really taking things forward, to be honest, and it was only at the ending when the narrator tells us that he/she has also kinda-sorta given into the silence that I liked how you put a twist on things. It's like escape in the fact that he/she's given up and given in, which was really nice. Even though your choice of words was very, very pretty, and it really manages to strike you in places, I feel as though the emotion wasn't being conveyed entirely. Like, we were exploring thoughts and feelings but not really getting a clear picture of the narrator's situation, and thus being unable to connect with him/her. There was a good deal of repetition where you reminded us of the silence, of the narrator's misery, and I feel as though what you're trying to convey could be stronger. Your main stanzas were like blocks of shaped metal, and the "Say something"s their links, which also doubled as a mover-forward-er of events. While that worked out for you in the beginning, it ended up striking more of a flat chord as we neared the end. Like, you could have conveyed it to us more powerfully. You gave it some variation, but the ending: "You didn't say something" felt pretty bland after all the amazing imagery, and it also felt like you were stating the obvious here. I feel like something more precise would sound better. Like: "Silence" or you could have conveyed it through a hard-hitting, final statement? It honestly depends on you.
Anyway, this was lovely, Tim, and I'm so glad you're exploring the wonders of prose poetry! Keep writing! Keep up the wonderful work!
I hope this helped~
~Pompadour
Thank you for your review, Dory. It is sooo helpful. Each time I read one of your reviews for me, I want to break out the laptop and write a poem.
Thank you again. It helps a ton.
Ah, no problemo, Jakey! I felt horrible for being so late, so I'm glad it was helpful.
YES WRITE MOAR POETRY. XDI'm not so great when it comes to reviewing prose poetry. All I can say is that I love it. In my opinion, some of your best poetry yet
Thank you, Livvy.
Remind me to review this because I always forget~
Hey, its Sweet here to review!!
This was really good! I just want you to know that it makes total sense!
I love that its so dramatic! In some places it is relatable too. I really can't wait to read some of your work!
And to me I don't see any grammar mistakes, which is a good thing!
I didn't know you were new at writing prose until you said so in the authors note!!!
Keep Writing! Good job and keep up the good writing!!! I really want to read more of your writing!!
~SweetPete
thanks for your review!
This was awesome! Dark and meaningful, my favorite
Just a few nitpicks I saw-
Sitting here alongside you in this gloomy room, the frigid air settles like clouds, drifting into unknown corners of space, falling into minds with blurring effects, freezing my unsaid words in the silence. i watch them dissipate like vapors, while you watch them in the emptiness, your face a mask of hidden expressions
For this first stanza, I think you need to break up the sentences. The countless comma's made my eyes tired, letting the words not hit a chord. Plus there are a lot of run on's here, so that's something easy to fix. If you want specifics, I can let you know.
Also on the last sentence, you forgot to capitalize your 'i'.
I do have to say that when you said
Just say something.
In between the stanza's, is really when it got interesting and deep for me. I, along with so many others I think, can connect to that simple thought.
i watch as the whispers fall away, sinking into the loneliness and the silent stupor our minds have fallen into.
You forgot to capitalize the 'i' again.
I would also put the authors note at the beginning of the piece, because when I saw it I thought there was more to the poem, so it didn't leave off on the note that I could have. When I read it the second time and realized where the end was, it was much more powerful.
I think another thing you could do to really make this stand out, is break up the paragraphs into shorter stanzas. For example-
The twilight hours used to be filled with superfluous talk,
words taking form for the small things in life.
Now a word is greeted with cold stares,
filling the void with harsh expressions and bitter flames.
The flames i remember being so warming
have now become heartless.
the memories of yesterday’s fireside evenings
swept away
with the ashes of today.
I think if you did something like that, it would be more pleasant for the eyes to follow and not get lost.
Overall, I really liked it! I loved the descriptive wording you used, it really painted an image in my mind, and deepened the emotions. Keep it up!
Thanks for your review!
Hello.
I'm here for your review.
right off the bat i noticed that this isn't in stanzas like a poem is meant to be. It's more like a story because there are paragraphs. All in all however, i found your poem quite beautiful. keep writing..
thanks for your review!
thanks for your review!
Hi, timmyjake. This is Pinkie here for a review.
I like this poem. It is dark and interesting. It is about a character who holds his/her cruel feelings and the feelings tortures him/her from telling anyone. I like the wordings in this poem and the imagery that you gave here. It gave me the image of this poem. However, this poem seem like a short story to me. Maybe you should write this as a story, but this is your choice. Well, I love to read more from you. Have a nice day!
Awesome Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
P.S: This poem does make sense, sir.
Thanks for your review!
Hello, Sounds here, just going to say a few words.
Keep writing. I'll be sure to take a look at some of your other work, too.
This was a beautiful piece. I felt it was very powerful and got your message across clearly: say something. As you put it, silence can kill anything. To quote a Tool song: 'cold silence can atrophy any sense of compassion'.
Whoever you are wanting to speak to you is slowly slipping away. You want them to come back to you, to say something, anything. But nothing is happening. I don't sense frustration here, but sadness.
Maybe some nostalgia in the mix as well.
Needless to say, I can visualize things easily in this piece.
Great work
Thank you for your review!
Lets start out with what I liked about this poem, warning, this part could be a bit long. I was extatic by the fact that your words weren't typical nonsense that a lot if my peers write because that's what bothered me most in a story, when the words are typical. You used exquisite imadry to paint a picture with your words. I love dark writing and this poem neared perfection in my eyes. Really the only thing I can think about changing would be just a few grammatical errors and this wasn't really in poem form. Hose looked more like paragraphs than stanzas.
Thank you for your review! Its always nice to know that your writing is appreciated.