The Trailing Echoes

Hai Timmy

Happy review day!

Yes, it's me again, continuing on with this vengeance I promised. This is actually a pretty hard review for me to write because I have mixed views on this poem. As a general whole I liked it a lot! And the message you are trying to bring across. But there were quite a lot of little small things that bothered me. I think Lumi and Fortis nailed a lot of them, so sorry if I repeat. I am going to try and add something new though ^^

What I liked was the message behind it, and especially how you wrapped it altogether in a nice conclusion with the final stanza. I think the idea of letting the echoes of our past fall behind and everything that may have gone wrong being cast away so we can focus on the now and the future is a great idea And probably something a whole lot of us needs to do as well. You start with the poem seeming pretty depressing and dark, but then you take that and turn it around into something more optimistic and hopeful. It was a nice and smooth shift that worked well for the poem. I think that is the thing that I liked the most about this poem

I agree with Lylas though - I don't think the title quite does the rest of the poem justice. I wanted the title to more so reflect the core meaning. Yes, the echoes are important but maybe something more about leaving the echoes behind, or a more... reflective title? I am not quite sure what I want, but I am sure you can think of something more fitting ^.^

I feel like the first line of the poem is a full sentence. Because we have no punctuation in the poem to guide us, most people automatically put their own in the mind to make things flow well when spoken. I'm assuming that most people automatically put the full stop there. Because of this the second line seemed kind of awkward, because I expected it to be a whole new sentence. See how that makes the rhythm a bit more awkward? Either this poem does need some punctuation, or you need to make the first line seem more unfinished, if you can.

I also felt the bit in the second line about how we hear the clouds and never see them was a bit... weird? It kind of bothered me. Especially because I never hear clouds, the only thing I can do is see them. Maybe you were speaking hypothetically or something, but it didn't come across like that, and more like it should be for symbolism. Which makes that line a bit... strange. Seeing as the reverse is what is true. I would change the symbol you use to something that we actually hear and don't see.

that never-ending touch of sound against your mind

some times moments become like nightmares

you wonder what they say with the slur of the tide

some where down your trail lies the bent and twisted

I can't find any of your poems that don't have like twenty reviews D:
You have to tag me every time you post a poem from now on

Okaayyyyyyy, so you know the deal. I'm gonna put some music on while I review this <.>
Apparently I'm listening to One Direction. Okay I really need to stop with my randomness.

I like the title, but It could draw me in more if you gave it a more unique flavor to it Nothings necessarily wrong with it, but there's always room for improving. I take titles very seriously, because I feel if it doesn't draw readers in, no one will want to read my poem or story.

Done with 1D, skip.

I GOT ONE LESS PROBLEM WITHOUT YA.

LINE LENGTH >.> Make sure to kind of keep your lines the same length. Unless you have a pattern where all the first lines are short the rest long, or you just sneak a long/short line in there. I find it comes easily to me, but most people it doesn't. Just work on that

SAM SMITH JUST CAME ON.

Ugh I just realized @Lumi reviewed before me, he probably covered everything. He's magic when it comes to poetry <3

This is lovely once again, and I was actually about to repeat something Lumi said until I read his review. Covered the rest >.> HE NEVER LEAVES ANYONE ANYTHING TO REVIEW.

Okay. So I hope this helped, even though most of this is randomness. Can I steal some of your descriptions? *sigh* kidding. Beautiful <3

~Not Darth Timmy but Kamryn Darth

I wasn't going to review this, but I have different qualms with this piece than have been given out so far.

What you have over your poem is the debate of abstraction. Is it good? Is it bad? It's all about execution, and I feel like you both over-abstract and under-abstract areas at different times--but this is not without repair. My ultimate issue with this piece is the blatant delivery of the metaphor of shells in stanza two. It's already in this stanza that the speaker is haunted by the past, so any reader with two seconds worth of slow-down time can piece together that the hollow shells represent moments of life ill-spent.

Plus, that line's flow really sucks as it is. There are other areas that suffer, but for different reasons. I'm not a fan of the word cacophony in poetry as it so rarely flows smoothly. You literally have to tee up to it with alliteration or some intense momentum to pull off the way it pops and locks on its own. Consider it an advanced challenge for which I'm unsure you're prepared.

On the other end of the spectrum of things that belong and don't belong, I feel as though the titular image of echoes could benefit from insertion just one more time--particularly in stanza two, as you ditch this motif to move onto waves and beach imagery which, while it works, doesn't quite deliver the pungency of the nice audible imagery you had building in stanza one: echoes, whispers, the feeling of wind between clouds. It was all very haunting, but the transition to stanza two shut down the motif before it could really deliver a pleasant ache.

For this point, I wonder if you would benefit from downsizing a bit. There's certainly some excess verbosity here and there, and oftentimes while self-editing, I find that the more compacted my poetry, the more potency I place in the hands of the reader. This isn't always true, though, when your focus is on narration, but I feel this is not the case in this instance. So on your own, ask yourself: where are my redundancies? which ideas may compact well together? how can I smooth out my product so that it is both pleasing and effective with the reader?

Beyond those exercises, read aloud for flow.

Hope this helps,
Lumi

HI TIMMY

So let's jump in.

cacophany

some where down your trail lie the bent and twisted

I don't read too much poety but this was pretty good. I definitely think you have what it takes to hit the big-time and don't let others stop you from trying to turn the dream into reality.
Back to the poem, I loved how it had this eerie dread once it built up to that. And that final line?

"the echoes straggling behind"

A very nice visual and creative explanation for haunting memories. From a standpoint of experience, this makes total sense.

Good word choices, too. I love words like 'stagnant', 'cacophony' (I think you spelled it 'cacophany'), and your similes and imagery.

One thing that caught me off-guard as a grammar police, "some_times" and "some_where" are one word in these cases. Unless, maybe, you wanted it to be this way to match up with the beginning of your first stanza.

Cool and meaningful poem. It's a topic quite often chosen by poets. I've written multiple on subjects similar. Remember to bring a unique quality to 'over-used' writing, especially if it's close to your heart!

hope I helped!
~iron.n