The hand that writes is weary and dejected,
Moving the ink and pen slowly across the flimsy page.
Etching words sent to someone he loves,
Words that bring salty tears down his cheeks.
So deep into the gloom of pain and sadness,
And so the words he jots down are similar.
Bearing the same tone and message,
And his hopeful thoughts and words.
He falters as his the pen begins to write the last line,
The one word that would complete the letter.
The pen leaves a black splotch and he tries to rub it off,
But he only smears the ink across the tear-stained page.
Finally coming to a decision, he moves the pen,
And the ink becomes a word of pain once again.
For at the end of the letter was one word.
One word will change everything in his life.
Goodbye.
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140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Heyyy Timmy!
That's always the bright side!
I did mention I was in the mood to review after all. Why not another poem?
This was one of your lesser poems if I am to be honest. As usual, it did tell an interesting story, even though in the poem it was actually focused on a small fragment of time. The time it takes for him to finish off the letter and write the goodbye as an ending. What is was lacking was the imagery I usually crave and the words that make this poem original. I feel like it was a little dull to be honest. All of that, though, can be changed with a bit of editing
I actually really like the fist stanza. It was promising and a good opening. I could see the man as he was pushing the pen around, trying to form words that could express all the emotions he was feeling at the moment, and finding he wasn't able to. Then came the next stanza.
This line is missing something that goes before the 'so'. Like 'he sinks' or something that relates the man to the pain and gloom.
Reading this next makes you wonder, similar to what? It seems a bit awkward, even though when you read the later lines you understand more. I feel like it is just repeating what is mentioned in the next two lines though and is more of what I would call a filler sentence - only there because we need four lines for the structure. So maybe change this line to make it more meaningful?
Should the and be an as? Also, since when did his words and thoughts become thoughtful? A moment ago, even in the same stanza he was wallowing in gloom. We need to see the transition and maybe what caused it? To do that you might need an extra stanza in between this one and the first.
Imagery opportunity! "He falters as his pen aches to finish the last line.'
I wouldn't repeat 'the pen' here. Maybe just say, a black splotch falls and he tries to scrape it off/ as if he could scrape away the tears on the page, but instead smears it all together.
Or something. This whole stanza just needs to upped on the imagery to make it better, in whatever way you choose!
I would leave the last stanza as it is, because you have continued your streak of always making the endings the best. I loved the word that was chosen because it kind of sums up the fact that he is letting go of his relationship. The reader doesn't need to know what the relationship was like, what was wrong with or anything. We just need to know how hard he struggled to let it go, and that he managed it in the end. :')
Keep on improving
Deanie x
*winces from awful poetry*
Thank you for this review, no matter how late I got it. <3
Flame here! 101st review! It's snowing here in central NJ, so I've spent the day digging around YWS...
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When I saw this title, I was expecting something similar to You want to be a writer? No you don't. A few lines about what writing a novel costs you. Turned out to be wildly mistaken
I couldn't help noticing that your poems stick to a specific format. Kind of like a ballad without the rhymes. It suits your style. And to read this and know that you only started writing poetry recently...
The meaning wasn't wrapped in layers, but you still had to dig to find it. And your descriptions...they truly bring meaning to the word "bittersweet." Armoring a bitter theme in sugar.
Wait, before we move on, I need to ask something. Was this whole poem a metaphor? A man sketching out his love life? Or was he literally writing a good-bye letter?
This line is dependent on a cliché description.
But I've used "salt-crusted cheeks" and "diamonds trailed by saltwater rivers." I've seen twists off "the tears burn my eyes." Lame examples, but you get the gist
The ideas are disconnected. Similar? The gloom of pain and sadness? And what's so deep into the gloom? It's like offering multiple words when one will do; your sole intention's to impress the reader with imagery. I'd recommend just jotting down your ideas first, and then fleshing them out and connecting them.
According to Word, "tearstained" is one word. Not sure I believe it, though. Change it or keep it?
I'll be honest; I'm not suited to your style. But you're a fantastic poet and have lots of potential...and hey, this really tugged at my heartstrings. As Sophie wrote, authentic. Very authentic. I can't fathom where you get your ideas from
Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your amazing review! I will work on that!
This poem is really whatever you want to make it as... A letter? Sure! Just sketching it out? Sure! It wasn't written as the whole piece being a letter, but more like describing how hard it was for him to write it.
Yeah, my meaning got a little twisted there. The review was no problem! I always try to review those who review me.
As do I! Kind of like a buddy system.
TIMMYJAKE ANOTHER POEM YES SO YOU'LL GET A REVIEW IMMEDIATELY!
First of all the title is very well chosen and made me so curious...
I really enjoyed your phrasing as in ,,salty tears'' or ,, tear-stained page'' !
There isn't any grammar or typos to complain about so let's move on!
What really got me in this are the emotions. It's so true, if you get what I mean, authentic very authentic! Myself have struggled with writing a good bye letter recently and this was it, You caught it all. Especially the last verse made me tear up. (The last word indeed made me cry oops) A fantastic end to a fantastic poem. This is a masterpiece Timmy, I told you you are so so so talented. Please keep up the fantastic work and keep me updated from now on!!!! Or I'll be very angry!!!!!!!!!!!!
-sophiewrites
Thank you!
This was a very sad but lovely poem and it honestly made me tear up a bit. This was an extremely sweet poem that I believe really portrayed love. One of the major things I love about this is that it is a letter being written and not an email or text message. I just think letters are so romantic and it added greatly to the tone of this poem.
I really loved how in the poem he tries to erase the word goodbye. I think this really shows the love between him and this other person. I also really like the line " and the ink becomes a word of pain once again. " I just think it is beautifully heart-wretching. This poem captures the great emotions that a person has when they know they need to say goodbye. I really enjoyed this poem.
Thank you!