Two pairs of footprints etch a line down a sandy beach,
Walking in time to crashing waves that pound the shore.
And we would talk about how things should be.
How we would change the world to our colors and our light.
Things sounded easy with your hand in mine.
You would laugh and talk about the stars,
And I would offer to pick one for you.
We both knew that was impossible,
But that made no difference in my eyes.
One pair of footprints etches a line down an sandy beach,
Walking in time to the crashing waves that pound the shore.
Things used to seem so easy when I was with you.
When I am alone, the sand doesn’t sink beneath my feet..
It is a gravel road beneath them, cutting deep into me.
The waves still crash onto the shore,
But not with the same rhythmic beat I used to love.
Perhaps I just don’t hear it anymore.
The only thing that I see is the tide,
Which rolls up the stony beach until it pulls me under,
Where without you I am lost and drown in mind.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Heya Timmy, I have come to bother you about your poem
I first have to say, it tells a really beautiful story. I love how it is about two people walking together and how when their paths cross, it is the perfect moment for them, but whenever one is walking without the other they lose their ground and start to slip. So sweet :') It also kind of reminds me of a poem called 'Footprints' that I see around everywhere. Although that is quite different.
I'm going to take this line by line and comment on it okay? The first line (and kinda also the title) is beautiful ^^ Not a thing to change there. It's the following line that could do with a little bit more work?
For some reason I don't really like the 'walking in time' at the beginning of this line. It would be really awesome if you could mention the word rhythm instead, so we know they are in total synch musically as they are walking. And maybe move pounding up along the line because that is essentially 'the rhythm' they are working with. (Example: Moving to the rhythm of pounding waves that crash into the shore.)
Maybe this shouldn't be a closed sentence. I would suggest you use a colon instead of a full stop so then you could go on to list what things should've been like instead of adding in all the necessary little words like 'how we would' and so on.
More like: And we would talk about how things should be:
The world spinning to our own beat, filtering
through golden rays of colour and light
*Ahem* excuse the horrible example, but something like that. This was you can get more than one example in there and you have a chance to add more poetic sounding language in there as well, some description. I really want to know what should be different in their world.
All the other lines in that stanza are perfectly until the last two again.
I would change the last 'that' into an it because you use the word that a lot in this poem. I felt there should be one more line in this verse saying something along the lines of 'I would do anything for her, or it made no difference in my eyes because all I wanted to see was her shining smile or something complimentary to whoever the voice is talking about.
NEXT STANZA
I think you mean etch here, instead of etches. How sad that it is only one now :'( As for the second line, again the same thing stands as I mentioned before, for stanza one.
Ooh really? How were they easy. Describe the feeling of walking on clouds, never needing to think only relishing in the moment, or whatever it is that seemed so easy
I think you either mean When I am with you, or the sand sinks, in this line. I thought things were supposed to be bad when you are alone!
'Them?' I think you mean us, since this poem is in first person. Also, do you want the gravel road to be cutting into him, or do you want their paths crossing and cutting into each other?
Because the pain is too deafening? Because he is buried in his memories of when he didn't walk alone? I wanna know!
The last line seemed a bit awkward to me because it doesn't really roll on with the previous one much. It seems like a concluding sentence instead of the end of the sentence. So, the plan is to make it both. Something like, without you I am lost and down in mind, or without you I give up, losing myself and sinking away. The 'where' won't be needed. But make sure it completes the sentence, whatever you do!
I think this was a good story-telling poem. It just needs a bit more description in it to make it ultimately perfect.
Deanie x
Livvy Livvy Livvy. Thank youuuu!!
That review was amazing.
I like this, and how you explain and use imagery. I can't find much not to like about it,even. You tell us feelings, and show the difference once one person in a relationship is gone. The title is rather long, but I like it. Some lines are different, but they show conflicting thoughts.
However, instead of
"Things used to seem easy when with you" it could be,
"things used to seem so easy when I was with you."
But, all in all, I can't see much else wrong with it.
I really liked this poem, but it seems kind of foggy. What I get out of this is someone lost their love and commited suicide. They used to enjoy walking down the smooth sand of the beach, wich is life, but now it is Gritty and hard and not worth the pain. So you decided to stop the torture and roll under the waves of death. Or not. Maybe you feel lost to the world and without anything to do.
And the title is kind of long. Good poem though.
~Kyddikat