the fading echo of silence falls
behind you in an endless stream of fossilized moments,
cast back by shattered glass on marble floors.
("watch your step.”)
reflections distort,
"embrace the stillness. embrace the silence.”
flung out in an endless cacophony
of
sweltered moments and arid tears
sense
the world fall to a screeching standstill,
unseen smoke rising from sullied memories.
tantalizing perfumes sift through broken thoughts
like shrouds of fog
(“close your mind.”)
to darken happy moments
"feel the haze. feel the darkness.”
and fashion black dreams
never experienced
never
imagined
balanced
on a pinnacle of torment,
look down into that abyss of loneliness
("don’t give in.”)
discover the only escape to this despair,
“embrace the sensation. embrace the chasm.”
standing beside you on the brink of your inevitable destruction,
countless
numbers of measurement below your quivering feet.
("just
take the hand.”)
Author's note: I wrote this in a spur of the moment... Is this confusing and makes no sense?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Blergh, another one of your poems I can't write a proper review for! I like how your experimenting with new styles in your poetry. It's churning out your best poems yet, including this one ^^
Experimentationnnn... so much fun.
Hi!
I absolutely love this poem; the muse, vocabulary and structure are all perfect. It flowed incredibly and it wasn't confusing in any way. I love how there are small interludes of dialogue, it seems to break up the poem and how they stuck out from the rest of the poem was unusual.
Overall, an amazing piece of writing, i have no criticism for it at all.
Emma
Thanks for the review!
Hey there Timmy! Imma return the favor of you reviewing my chapters
So I read this and loved it. Honestly, your word choice is phenomenal and I'm really unsure of how to pick out anything wrong. XD
Hmmm, I will stress on the words you stand out.
Why do you include them in italics and parenthesis/brackets?
It is a bit overkill, like rhia said.
I suggest just making it italics because that will still make them stand out
The format of this poem is rather interesting! I've used a format like this before on a poem I wrote. I'm only curious when I ask why did you use the format? Is there a specific reason?
It's perfectly fine, I'm only wondering
This is a poor review, isn't it?
I think you did well this poem.
9/10
Keep writing!
Why I used this formatting is because I wanted to do some experimentation with my poetry... I love trying different places!
Short and sweet
I was trying to isolate the different parts, hence the brackets and the other things, trying to make it seem like there were two different voices in the characters head.
Thank you for the review. It was very helpful!
Nothin wrong with that.
Oh my God I love this poem.
It's great Timmy. It's not that confusing and whether it makes sense or not is a matter of opinion. It has a great flow to it, especially if read aloud. The title is great though I forgot it while reading. You lived up to it using the little dialogue line in parenthesis.
Thank yo for this wonderful review!
Hey, timmyjake! Since this is still reviewless, I thought I'd return the favor and do a bit of reviewing for you! Let's see what I can come up with.
I think your enjambent here is very interesting, but you could also start the second line with behind. I think that the flow will sound better that way, and it also would leave on a more powerful, tense verb. Leaving a line on words like "falls" makes you wonder. However, I think you can almost form entirely different images depending on where you choose to break this line. I almost prefer the imagery of it in the state it's in now. I see silence in the distance, which I suppose would mean sound is starting again. I see myself isolated, remembering. I love the imagery. Basically, what I'm saying here, is that whichever way you break this, it will be great. I just wanted you to know what the potential that I saw in each, so that you could decide which best conveys what you want said. That was a lot of words to say very little. Pardon me.
Alright, basically with all these bits, I like that you're making them stand out, but I think it's a bit of overkill. You have them spaced differently, in italics, in quotations, in parentheses, and in brackets, depending. I think you could pick one or two, not all. I think your most impactful and aesthetic approach would be to space them as they are and put them in italics. Maybe in quotations too, but honestly, even that's a bit much. Typically, italics is understood as being either speech or thought, so the reader would get your point. Mostly, I just think it would be more aesthetic if changed.
Otherwise, I like this a lot. Nice words, nice imagery, nice flow. It was interesting. I think it makes sense, but I do get the sense that this was written more spur of the moment, because I don't feel the emotional connection to the author. But that's okay, sometimes I have poems that just come to me and I write them, even if they don't hold a deep personal meaning for myself. It's almost more impressive to be able to write something that comes across as being very powerful so spur of the moment.
Thanks for sharing, keep writing!
With the parts in brackets and such, I was trying to make the reader understand that there two people who were talking inside the characters head, hence the two different forms of isolation... Is there any way you couldn't think of to achieve that, but without the confusion?
Thank you for this review. It was very helpful and encouraging!
I like the way you have it now. However, are the ones that aren't in italics a different voice? Maybe put those in parentheses instead of just quotations, it'll look more like it's a private thought than a spoken phrase. I think the italics ones are good in italics and quotations, though
Yusss! I will do that!
Thanks, Rhia! You've been an amazing help.