Our Vision of Change

So many reviews O.o nothing useful to add...
Just passing through...

Hello! *waves*
O.k. I find this kinda hard to read as poetry, but I will try to review this without prejudice.
In the whole piece I could find but two things that struck a discord of sorts with me.
-First verse, fourth line. Here I disagree with the word worst. it seems wrong and misused. Rather I would write.
-The other place was between the last two verses. You have split the sentence, and that jarred a little for me. Perhaps you could juggle with that a little?
Other than that, it was fine. The imagery in places was probably your strongest asset, but in general it worked well.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Hey TJ! Sis here for a review for you (as promised)!


The world is a busy place,

always moving, always changing.

Throughout the ages it has transformed,

sometimes for the better, but also for the worst.

I love how you start out the poem realistically, and give a legit idea. Yes, the world changes and for the better and the worse. Great start!


Looking through unfocused binoculars, you see a blur,

the same you see with an uncaring mind.

Our world is constantly changing throughout our lives.

We can sit and watch it flash by, buckling up to watch

or we can stand and make our own change.

I like the imagery in the first line. It adds to the overall effect. The second line backs up the first and compares unfocused binoculars to someone who doesn't care. I thought that was a really cool idea! The 3rd and last lines are okay, and they flow alright mostly, but the 4th line is kind of random imagery thrown in.....I love it!


Everyone makes his or her own marks,

Columbus discovered a New World

and brave Settlers journeyed across the perils.

Magellan sailed ‘round the globe,

waiting for no man and no time.

Hmmmm, adding the bit of history didn't really flow right to me...I didn't particularly like it, although it was really interesting....hmmmmm









Many men have changed our lives.

We always hope and strive to make a change ourselves,

but what really happens?

What changes do we really make?

Do we rule mighty empires or paint beautiful art?

Or, are our changes lowly, being confined?

I'm assuming you also meant women, not just men have changed our lives lol. This stanza is honestly kinda sad. It's almost saying, "I'm not important and you aren't either."


They say that we are here to leave the world a better place,

A place better than the one we came into.

But many sit and watch,

Waiting for something to happen.

Perhaps for that someone to come into their lives,

To come and help them make that decision.

To come and give them the nudge they need.

The first two lines go along with the last stanza, overall mellow and kinda depressing. From then on, the rest of the stanza reminds me of those who are giving up having that non-existent flicker of hope in their eyes. It's really good.


Coming down to the wire,

As our age comes upon us.

Will we wonder what happened to our lives?

That fragile reality we know as earth sinking away.

Sinking into black, leaving it forever behind us.

And now I'm sad again. *cries* This. Is. Difficult. Although this stanza confused me a bit, I think I got the gest of it. Might I suggest making it a bit more.....understandable?


Will we leave sweaty and tired?

Our hands coarse and brown,

Wearied by the days of time.

Or will they be white,

Softened by those many days of idle wandering?

Looking back, I think we will find

Find what??? The stanza just abruptly ends. That might be your style, but it's a bit like, THERE'S A CLIFF HERE!!!!!!


That what we did was not in vain.

For, if no one left the world a better place,

Then it would wither and die,

Leaving the next person’s fragile reality that much weaker.

After this, you think, and it's over...*sadness* But then you see:


What will you change?

I'm going to be completely honest. If that line wasn't there, I probably would write this review. I probably wouldn't have really liked this poem. I would've thought, "Eh, it's okay. Not his best." But I disagree with myself. This was AMAZING. I loved every part except for the parts I didn't. (obviously)...Hope this review helps! See ya around!

-Sis

Yo Timmy, Subtle here to scarp up a review here for he third star! Since about there is none grammatical mistakes for me to pick out because everyone else has beat me to it. I think I will ramble on about how good and positive this poem is.

This poem is so powerful, and dynamic because what you have said is very true. The world is always constantly changing and we cannot always change it. And many, many of us just sit by and watch. The language in this poem is simple but it really conveys what you want to say through similes and metaphors.

This is really amazing! Awesome work!

-S.s

Tip: don't mention Columbus... He was a psycho and never discovered anything XD

This was a very powerful, insightful, and emotional poem for me. Incredible wisdom shown, and you're sure you're only 16? What amazing imagery and what huge feelings this brought to the surface. If you keep writing like this, I am certain you've got a bright future ahead of you. Fantastic work, and I look forward to reading this in a book of poems published by you someday.

Heya Timmy! I've finally popped by for a review! ( Sorry for the lateness. School's just knocking the wind out of me. >.< )

OK, so first off, this has turned out wonderfully! The questions you ask throughout the poem are blunt, focused and really manage to strike the reader hard. This might not be classified as poetry exactly, because it treads just a smidge beyond the border-line of free-verse. Let's call it a Perpoem, then? (A persuasive poem! )

Your imagery was just right. There wasn't wads of it everywhere, which really works out in this case since it balances what you're trying to say with a slightly artistic feel. Simple yet striking. I like that!

There's this bit, though, that I feel you could tweak a little bit:

Looking through unfocused binoculars, you see a blur,

the same you see with an uncaring mind.

Our world is constantly changing throughout our lives.

We can sit and watch it flash by, buckling up to watch

or we can stand and make our own change.

Wow. I love it. :')
This is really beautiful and inspirational.

Crap! Timmy you did it!
I love this, I'm not in review mode but i felt I had to say something about this.
This is an article in poetic formation, how you did that successfully, i might never know, *or you could just teach me*
I like the fact that every single line seems to have a very strong feeling. It was not confusing, tangled or uneasy. It felt...........*can't find the exact word*............almost soothing to read, soothing and inspiring.
This would surely make for another great "I have a dream" speech, what do you think?
Ooooo, and if you agree, I'd like to be the one to say it!*that's just my way of saying, "I've copied this down for use in future"*
I love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<Bee>

This is a simple poem but heartwarming. It's truly brilliantly written. You have taken a sensitive subject that the people tend to brush off and mark unimportant and have brought forth the urgency of needing to care for the world. I like how you have used simple diction and have not made your poem difficult to understand. This piece is straight forward yet possesses a poetic essence. Very touching and compelling, well done.

This is a really great bit of writing on humans and our legacies. I like the allusions to different historical figures, definitely solidified the idea of leaving a mark. It definitely wakes you up to the fact that you don't want to go through this life without anything to show for it, without making a difference.

Will we leave sweaty and tired?

Our hands coarse and brown,

Wearied by the days of time.

Or will they be white,

Softened by those many days of idle wandering?

I really like this verse, making you see that it's better to be worn with time, but have memories that were worth making, than to be soft and beautiful, but nothing more.

"Or are our changes lowly, being confined?"

I think this line could be improved by adding a comma after or, right now it's really jumbly sounding, it breaks the otherwise nice flow.

"Or, are our changes lowly, being confined"

I liked the rest, nice job.

hey timmy
so i'm here to review your work
ok , first of i agree with aechronicle that this work isn't realy a poem , but it works as a defferent style of essay .
second , i found that your title is very comprehensive and good
now , for the part that i didn't like :

''Our world is constantly changing throughout our lives.

We can sit and watch it flash by, buckling up to watch

or you can stand and make your own change. ''

in this part , i think that when you talk in '' we '' , you sould continue with it , and don't change it to '' you ''.
it kinda breaks the meaning and tbe idea .
from another side i think i'll not mention the punctuation , because i don't think it's a poem as i said before .
my favourite part is
''.Will we leave sweaty and tired?

Our hands coarse and brown,

Wearied by the days of time.

Or will they be white,

Softened by those many days of idle wandering? ''

i think that this part is very attractive , i liked the idea of two defferent choices as two questions very good

so keep writing

Well, I wouldn't really call it poetry. It's more like a poetically formed essay. Actually, it pretty much is an essay, but not a five hundred page boring one.

The topic of change is good, since many fear it, and others embrace it. The most endearing part is probably;

"Coming down to the wire,

As our age comes upon us.

Will we wonder what happened to our lives?

That fragile reality we know as earth sinking away."

I like the last line. You point out a lot of good and important things to ponder on, so this poem is definitely a thought evoking thing, geared towards deep thinkers. All in all, it's fairly good in the right setting.