In this world filled with sadness,
It’s easy to become downcast,
Dreading to see the sun rising.
It’s easy to trip and fall,
Bloodying your hands and knees.
And the darkness overwhelms you,
Clouding out the sunlight and warmth.
And then the rain comes down,
Like tears falling from the sky,
Soaking your heart in pain and loneliness.
Do you realize that if you asked me for help?
I would shelter you from the rain.
Do you realize that if you told me about the dark?
I would show you the bright light.
There was a time when you asked for help,
And I would hold you close to me.
But you became different inside,
Turning into a cold body and spirit.
And not the one I knew so long ago.
So I keep my light within me,
And wait for the day when you look up…
Wait for the moment when your eyes fill with tears,
And see the dark around you once more.
Did you know that you once asked me for help?
And I sheltered you from the rain.
Did you know that you once told me about the dark?
And I showed you the bright light.
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140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
This poem should be lyrics xD
It works very well as a poem too, but I could really imagine someone singing it as well...
Hey Weather here with a review!
As always I like how your poetry has a spiritual mood and centers around darkness becoming light. I liked the emotions that developed throughout and the simplicity.
However I do have a few suggestions which may be of help to you.
"In this world filled with sadness,
It’s easy to become downcast,
Dreading to see the sun rising.
It’s easy to trip and fall,
Bloodying your hands and knees."
Loved this opening I just had an issue with the last line, the word, "bloodying" didn't seem to quite fit, perhaps something along the lines of scarring, bruising etc..
"And the darkness overwhelms you,
Clouding out the sunlight and warmth.
And then the rain comes down,
Like tears falling from the sky,
Soaking your heart in pain and loneliness."
Just a nitpick but in the third line, instead of rain just simply coming to you could replaced the word, "comes down" to something that is descriptive and will link in to the emotion of of tears in the following line, e.g. shattering down, flowing, sprinkling, flooding etc...
Overall a nice piece, keep writing.
--Weather
Thank you for your review!
I could be completely mis-reading this, but I saw this as a religious poem. I am a Christian, and this could be Christian, but I don't know.
Anyhow this is a very nice poem, in your normal writing style. I like the poem as a whole, so it is impossible to pick out a favorite bit.
The only criticism I will give is that the word bright in the last line doesn't help, and I think it breaks up the rhythm a bit.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
you know what... I didn't write it as that way, but looking at it now, it could be seen like that. Thanks for pointing that out! It is now a Christian poem.
you know what... I didn't write it as that way, but looking at it now, it could be seen like that. Thanks for pointing that out! It is now a Christian poem.
Hello there, timmyjake!
Happy Olympic week to you.
RachelLeeAnn here to review.
I really liked this piece! I found it very easy to relate to the sense of protection you portrayed here.
Just a couple grammatical errors.
Also, you may be unaware of this, but it's not required for every single line to be capitalized in a poem. It makes it a bit choppy/hard to read when each line is capitalized. It's perfectly fine to use capitalization as you would in any other writings.
That's all I have for you, this was an excellent piece! I especially love this stanza:
Great job!
Keep writing!
-Rae^^
Sorrrryyyy!!! I didn't see this until now! Thank you for your review! It helped a lot!
This is really great. I like this poem. I could really see, in my head, all the images you were trying to get across. You used to rain to construct a narrative about helping a friend, which made it interesting, and made me want to read more.
"Did you know that you once asked me for help?
And I sheltered you from the rain."
I liked the change in tone there, and I got the feeling that you were feeling a great loss. I wonder what you were getting from this relationship with this person. I usually don't like it when people ask questions in poetry, but you made it work.
Thanks for your review!