Young Writers Society

Hi there!

One of these days I will actually catch up on your novel. One of these days.

I totally didn't forget who Dalki was. Nope. >.>

I have to say, this is one of my favorite chapters. I don't want to say my favorite because all of your chapters are great and I can't just pick one. It's very well written and you describe this scene well. I enjoyed reading it and really read it all the way through, every single word. Not that I don't normally do that, but I did it on the first try this time.

One thing I love about your novel is how you keep switching between characters. Each chapter it seems, is a new character and a new way to look at the story. I haven't read many novels, here and otherwise, that follow so many characters. I mean, sure the characters are in there and we know what's going on with them, but you really focus on them all. Like this chapter where we're seeing things from Dalki's point of view. We barely know her (right? My memory is terrible xD), but we're getting to see her here. I just think that's cool.

I do wish you would've shown us the kidnapping. We're getting the memory of it. And of course Dalki isn't going to tell us everything because she was nervous most of the time. How well can she really remember it? How much is she going to want to remember? You could also show us a lot about Dalki's character with the kidnapping scene. We'd get to see her in action.

Despite this not being the actual kidnapping scene, you did a good job with the emotions. I have a good idea of what Dalki was feeling and how she reacted to everything. That's always important in character development, as you know. I'm a huge fan of character development through actions and by putting them in tough situations. It's my belief that people show who they really are when faced with adversity. It's the same thing with characters. When you push someone to the limit, they have no time to think about how they're going to respond. They just do it. That's when their real character comes out. And it's interesting in this chapter with Dalki because I didn't imagine her to be like this when I first read about her. 'This' being: nervous, anxious, making sure she did a job for the good guys. It was a pleasant surprise to me.

On the other hand, that's exactly what would've worked well in the actual kidnapping scene. Take those same emotions and place them in the actual situation and it'll be a lot more effective. Plus we'll get some more emotions I'm sure, because we'll watch her go through it. Not to mention, it's been a little while since there's been any action. Sure there was the scene just last chapter where the guards invaded Obi's house, but you can always add more. You've been focusing so much on these characters and their relationships that you can afford to take a break and throw some action in here. This would be a perfect chapter to do so.

Your flow has been a bit inconsistent throughout your novel so far and you've had some grammatical/spelling errors. I blame that on having to write it so quickly though. Once you get to the editing stage you'll have more time to sit and really find your flow. Your writing style is on point though, and I can definitely tell this is your novel whenever I read a new chapter.

Overall, another great chapter here. I finally realized why I like your novel so much. It's because of the characters. You've showed us so much about them and you really focus on who they are. Not to mention this story is just superb. Seriously, not kidding.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hi Megsug!

I'm glad to see this chapter has a few more reviews than usual Your work is so good it could use some more attention and loyal reviewers as well. ^^ So, this chapter was one I am a bit on the fence with. I liked it, but to be honest it disappointed me a little, and I am going to explain why later on. I think it was cool that we were seeing things from Dalki's perspective again, but unless something comes up I believe this might be the last time we are going to get to see things from hers! It was interesting to be back at the palace again and you did a great job of conveying her sense of shock at what she did through the way her thoughts started to process. I think the thought process and the conclusion that she wanted to be doing good and sticking to her morals was what I liked most about this chapter in particular.

But when it comes down to it, I was a bit disappointed. This is the great kidnapping moment that we know happened but have not been able to see yet. We already got the impression that it was successful, so I wasn't expecting any drama or anything, but I would've liked this if it was a bit more embellished or something. Maybe a close shave somewhere, or something that would've made the kidnapping moment more substantial and memorable. It just seemed a little too easy, even if it was all planned out accurately. I felt myself wanting more.

As well as that, this chapter was all narration! I like a bit more of a mix when it comes to my chapters. You could easily slide in some dialogue here in so many places earlier on. There was a bit of dialogue at the end, but I wanted more. For example, how did Dalki manage to calm the princess down? What was the princess saying in her panic? Was she saying that they would all be killed for treason? And even though Dalki was reassuring her (I wonder how she did that) did she start to prickle with worry that the princesses rash words rang some truth to them as well. Did she start to doubt whether or not she should've risked her life for this particular job?

I know we have only just met the princess and are probably going to see more chapters with her in there. But I don't think we saw too much of her here, and I wanted some more. She is going to be an important character, in my opinion and this is the first time we really get to "meet" her, so to speak. So make sure you make this a memorable moment for us! You had an awesome description of her appearance, but we didn't see any side to her personality except a bit of panic. I wanted more here as well :3

Also, the biggest problem I have seen with your work and keeps coming up in each review is the flow. I think you had a good job of it at the beginning of the novel, or at least I didn't notice it then. But now in the later chapters I can see that this just doesn't read as smoothly as I would like it to be, and in a lot of chapters that is the only thing keeping it from being perfect. For example, you wrote:

Getting into the palace was surprisingly easily if one knew where the back door was. The army of staff a palace needed for everyday maintenance made it easy for one more person to slip by.

She had lived through trying times most of her live,

She understood Lord Smug’s paranoia when she had donned a maid’s garments, supplied by Mr. Surly as Lord Smug outlined the plan.

All she took in what was right in front of her.

Hey, Gravity here for a review.
This is going to be short and sweet since I don't have a lot of time and nor have I read the rest of this novel. Hey meg! *waves like a maniac*

Getting into the palace was surprisingly easily

Hey there. Overall, this was a nice, clean, read. It had nice suspense and flow. Excellent job.

That being said, it's a little short. It was nice for reviewing, but it made the chapter feel a little rushed, and it was hard to keep track of what was going on. A lot happened in very little time. My advice is to slow down and explain more about what's happening.

I also think you need a little more description. You have some nice physical descriptions of people, but I want to know more of what the castle looked like, and the tunnel. And not just what things looked like, but what they physically felt like, smelled like, tasted like, and sounded like.

You don't want to overdo it with description, bit just a little bit here and there makes the story come alive and helps us feel like we're experiencing it along with your character.

Right, on to the nitpicks:

She understood Lord Smug’s paranoia when she had donned a maid’s garments, supplied by Mr. Surly as Lord Smug outlined the plan.

The mission had suddenly gained importance, and the plan had been simple enough to make her nervous.

Dalki felt nauseous.

There is enough money here for you to disappear. I suggest you do so.” His voice an urgent whisper, she can’t seem to take her eyes off of his serious black ones that bore into her.

“You’re helping her, aren’t you?” she whispered, and the answer was important.

Hullo!

I've not read the previous chapters so please ignore me if I point out anything which you feel is covered earlier!

Specifics

1.

Dalki wrung her hands. [This isn't a very captivating first sentence and it stands out because you've made it short and snappy but the words aren't interesting enough for that to work. You need to either go the descriptive route or if you want a short sentence, it should be something a little more dramatic. Like 'Dalki's nerves were tighter than a hangman's noose'.] She had lived through trying times most of her live life, but her nerves were pulled tight, vibrating with the strain of the past few hours. She understood Lord Smug’s paranoia when she had donned a maid’s garments, supplied by Mr. Surly as Lord Smug outlined the plan.

Getting into the palace was surprisingly easily easy if one knew where the back door was. The army of staff a palace needed for everyday maintenance made it easy for one more person to slip by. After a heart pounding forty-five minutes where she had to weave her way around the palace after taking the wrong turn, she had found the princess and showed her the note Lord Smug had given her.

A glance at the girl had made Dalki wonder if Lord Smug was up to anything evil. The blonde’s fair face had been splotchy with passion and her eyes still wet with tears. There had been a bruise that barely peeped out from under her dresses collar, an ugly purple.

Princess Ihyana had been silent the entire time, her face disturbingly pale, her blue eyes wide, her lips set in a determined line. She hadn’t seemed to like the faint smell of tobacco and expensive cologne. Her nose had wrinkled when nothing else moved, and finally she had jerked in a delicate sneeze. Dalki couldn’t seem to stop watching this girl who she did not know.

“You will go straight home. You will not return to Mr. Condrieve’s employ. There is enough money here for you to disappear. I suggest you do so.” His voice an urgent whisper, she can’t couldn't [Careful not to change tense.] seem to take her eyes off of his serious black ones that bore into her. Suddenly he softened, put a kind hand on her shoulder. “You’re finished. You made it. You did good. Just make it back home, and you’ll be safe.”

This was really interesting! I love the character development through the story. I can't wait to see what turns the story takes next, and you can trust that I'll be following it. It's very intriguing and I love the story. I can't find any mistakes, either!