Curled up in a ball, I sleep.
Alone in the darkness I weep.
As the muffled shouts echo,
and wind me up like a cello.
~
I hold my little brother close,
And whisper literary prose.
To salvage his intelligence,
And say goodbye to innocence.
~
I cannot stand to see,
The pain in the eyes of Lee.
So I take a rusted knife
In order to save his life.
~
Wide wounds of whispers
Not so silent, as screams
Are heard from the not so,
Silent Riot.
~RS
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
heya, Radiant Shadow! Casanova here for another review! Again, I will be taking this piece by piece, so I hope that's okay.
I feel like these were just for rhyming purposes, andd felt like you could do without the rhyme. Reconstruct, and try to find better ways of expressing yourself. There's nothing here to tie me to it, except the rhyming that I don't particularly like.
Although I don't like the rhyming, this was a rather good stanza and I really did enjoy it. It's not poetic, but it's rather sweet. Especially the part about,"And whisper literary prose." I for one know that means either prose poetry, or you're reading him a story, and that's really sweet. I did enjoy these lines.
Here the rhyming is really prominent, and I really do say skip it and do something else. I do like the last two lines, however, just because of the self sacrifice message behind them.
These lines seem to be important, but I felt like you could have left this stanza off and just left it at the previous lines. They were the best, and that was a perfect ending.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about this one, and I hope it helped at least a bit.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
You were right, this is one of your good ones. I'm not a fan of poetry that rhymes, but yours feels very natural. It's almost lyrically smooth. There's some pretty nice use of alliteration in the final stanza, especially involving the 'sss' sound which makes the poem fun to say out loud. I've always considered it an accomplishment when poetry intrigues its audience to vocalize it. I feel as though the poem lacks something of an arc, but I think it was a really good introduction and conclusion.
Great work!
Thank you
Chilow for the review, here we go :0
Poetry on hard topics can be hard to read and harder to write, so I'll start this review by commending you for your ability to do well in both areas- clearly, you are a magnificent writer, and the readability of this is just flawless. The rhyme and structure takes the words through the poem so seamlessly that I as a reader was more able to immerse myself in the story being told. Well done.
"I cannot stand to see,
The pain in the eyes of Lee.
So I take a rusted knife
In order to save his life."
^ ^ ^This stanza I think was the peak of your poem before it wound back down, though the ending was certainly just as well written (more on that later). In terms of actions though, this stanza holds I think the main climax, as the persona makes the executive decision to spare Lee from a life that almost isn't really worth living. Using a "rusted knife" also really adds to the air you've so elegantly crafted.
"Wide wounds of whispers
Not so silent, as screams
Are heard from the not so,
Silent Riot."
^ ^ ^ You replied below that you used the sudden departure of rhyme to really accentuate the end, to even more clearly define the finale and the "Silent Riot" finally becomes heard. This was simply expert in how it was carried out, so again, my commendations. You've got yourself a new follower!
Keep up the fantastic work, and know that I'll be reading your pieces in future! Cheers
Awesome! thank you for the review
For once, someone's poem rhymes! I have seen lots like this one, but none had the lines rhyming and keeping me attached to them. It does tell the sory well too.
So I take a rusted knife
In order to save his life.
Those lines got my attention. Do you kill him, or take a knife for him?I am hooked to know whats going on. Then you spoil it by finishing with two words at the end that do not rhyme at all! I wish you'd added something to the silent riot phrase to make it more convincing and have it add something to the stanza.
Also, when you whisper literary prose that takes away your brother's innocence, i am left wondering what that could mean? Otherwise, its one of the good ones so far. Really.
Hello! I had a review here, and I'm not sure why it cut it all off so this isn't a review anymore. I just want you to know that I really like you're poem.
Thank you
That's... Weird. I wrote out an entire review and it cut off like 1/8 of it!
Hey dear!
Though its sad and horror piece but I like it because it seems original . What i mean is it shows that the poet is writing and the words are coming out in a flow. Means ditect from heart and brain. And this is the real thing. May people criticize and say whatever but for me you are a star. As you are true and original. Keep ot up fear. I'll wait to read more n more from you. Have a very nice time ahead. Stay blessed !
Thank so much! I really needed to hear that.
Look when I write in a flow. So many typing errors. So be clear , confidante and write. I appreciate your skills.
This is a good start, and I am the first to admit that I love something saturated in metaphors, but I did have a couple of issues with it. To start, even though it was good, I think that your message would have been better received if the poem actually didn't rhyme. One of the greatest things about poetry is that there is that ability to make your writing freestyle, especially as the poetry world becomes more modernized. Of course, this is YOUR writing, and you can do whatever you want with it and to it, but I feel like you might have lost some of the power and the conviction of the piece by trying to force your rhyme scheme.
Overall, I think it's alright. Again, this is your work, and you are under no requirements to listen to me, but I do think that you would be better off just writing rather than forcing yourself to fit your idea into a planned out rhyme scheme.
Thanks for reviewing. However I disagree I did not force anything it just flowed out when I write I lose myself in the image I don't even realize what I'm writing. When I got out of the what i call trance this is what was created. I love traditional poetry, I did the rhyme scheme because it gives a sense of symphony and time to the poem. A poem with no rhyme is a poem with no direction unless it is thought out to be without a rhyme just to emphasis the chaos.
Dear God, never have I ever read such beautiful contradictions.
This piece is filled with metaphors. Actually, the whole poem is based on a play on words. The "Screaming Whispers" in the title really grabs the attention of the reader! Great word-play throughout the poem.
I do have some questions though. Like, who is Lee? (I'm guessing it's your brother? Or someone you know very fondly. I'm also sort of having a shaky perception of what the poem is really about. It seems like halfway through the poem you change moral. It seems like you know what you're talking about, but the way I read it, it looks like there is a change in what you're aiming at. I would change that, or maybe edit it so that it hooks the reader longer.
Great use of words throughout the poem! You kept the theme (silence) the entire way through with words like "silence" and "whispers". You placed those words very carefully, too. Each line made me want to read more. Outstanding job!
Very emotional piece, as well. I could "feel the vibes". I sensed a very distraught and yet restrained sadness throughout the poem.
Exemplary work, and I hope to see more from you Rachel!!! Keep writing!!!!!!!
-Payds
Thanks so much for reviewing! yes Lee is the brother (this has nothing to do with real life ) This poem has a lot of depth to it, it all in the readers perspective. I wrote this with the intention that the persona actually killed the brother. It did come more clear to me in the 3rd stanza and thus I tried to make it more vague to help the reader interpret more.
This is a pretty sad poem. Nevertheless I liked it (which is unusual. I tend to avoid sad poems, but this was too good!)
The rhyming scheme is very good, although I had to adjust a little to the couplets of couplets, but it worked very well.
The poem was pretty easy to answer, but I had to infer a little. The rusted knife sounds like a knife she found, that hasn't been used in a long time. But did she kill her brother with it, of fight off the riot?
Why was the riot coming to them, what'd they do?
Lots of unanswered questions, but I like it
Overall, good poem. It'd be very easy to make a sister poem for it too.
haha thanks.. actually the persona committed the silent riot by killing her brother.... or abuser depending on how you see it.
After going back and reviewing it that makes WAY more sense!
Hello!
first poem i saw today, and its just awesome mate! Just awesome!
i have no criticism regarding your poem. Just i was unable to understand the part "rusted knife " part. I am sure that is my ignorance but i would love you for explaining that to me.
To appreciate your poem-
1) I love the rhyme scheme, so perfect!
2) The last stanza is epic! Alliteration and oxymoron just left me enchanted.
"Not so silent, as screams" what a phrase! marvelous!
3) Imagery in the very first line is a very good opening, keep it up!
Basically, i am just enchanted by your poem.
Just bother to explain me the third stanza please, and then surely i will be waiting for your autograph!;)
Omg thank you so much for your review! Yes I would love to explain it. The third stanza is the part where all the controversy takes place. The persona cannot stand to see the abuse happening in her home and the pain in her little brothers eyes. So she grabs a knife. The knife implies death thus she will kill someone to protect her little brother. Now who will she kill, the abuser... or her brother? That is all up to interpretation!
And I would gladly give you an autograph even if it is worth nothing haha!
Hey radiantshadow!
I seriously loved your poem. The idea behind it was wonderful. Silent riot- smart choice of words! I like the flow of your poem and I've also got a couple of suggestions for you. Not that your poem isn't good but I believe that even the best could be made better. So here it goes
"As the muffled shouts echo,
and wind me up like a cello."
Maybe if you take out "as" from the first line it would flow better.
I guess that's all I can pick from your poem. Anyway overall I really liked it . keep up the good work!
Never quit writing
Fangirl~
Thank you so much! I would remove the as but it would ruin the syllables in that whole stanza!